location: middle of nowhere

I am at my parents house for a couple nights cause I have a wedding to go to. I'm not sure how much I have explained the town I grew up in so I'll do it quick. "Ftown" has about 1100 people according to the census but we also have 2 assisted living facilities and a nursing home so I think that the actual contributing population is less than 1000. Everybody knows everything about everyone else. I would say it is your typical small town and in a many ways I actually like the place. Obviously everyone here is pretty close minded and has no problem saying bigoted things, because everyone is basically the same so who can they offend, right? Its not something that gets to me too much, its the way everyone here was raised and its the way they choose to raise their kids. So rather than go on a crusade to change everyones opinions and ways of life, I chose to leave the town and I rarely visit.
When I was in high school I wasn't in the popular crowd of jocks, and I didn't get along with most of them. But I was well liked through out the school and the town. Everyone knew me and knew I was a good kid. I was chosen to be president of the local FFA chapter. (for those of you who have no idea what that is it is an agricultural and leadership organization). I was a town kid and knew very little about ag but I guess I excelled in the leadership aspect and always did the right thing. I also was elected as homecoming court my senior year, which pissed off the popular crowd cause I didn't play football and they didn't think it was fair. Anyway I didn't win, I swear it was rigged cause the principals son did.haha. Anyway Ftown was an alright place to grow up, and I have alot of the "small town values" instilled in me which have helped me alot in life since leaving.
Back to what I wanted to write about, my relationship with my parents.
I have pretty much always had a good relationship with my mom. She was always the more easy going of my parents which I took advantage of growing up and argued with her alot. She has always been there no matter what the issue or situation was and I think she always would be no matter what. I remember once my brother got in trouble with the cops for drinking(happens alot) and my dad said something to the effect of not loving him anymore and my mom was pissed and said that he couldn't love his son with conditions and that her love was unconditional. Which is why I 99% think she will be ok with me coming out, but right now fear keeps me from doing it.

My dad and I have always had a very shitty relationship. For most of my high school years I would have told you that I hated him. I 100% could not stand him and would think to myself why couldn't my mom have married someone else. He had his days of being an alright guy, but it was mostly him being an asshole and he pretty much wanted us to fear him. He had no reasoning for the punishment he would give us and would not listen to anything we had to say. If he wanted something done in a week he would ground us until it was done, for example if it was Monday and he wanted the garage cleaned out on Saturday he would ground us on Monday until we got done on Saturday. He didn't give us the chance to prove ourselves to him he always expected the worst. I'm not writing this for pity or anything, this didn't traumatize me and cause long term affects. I think if I would have wallowed in how I felt about him and our relationship I would have become depressed and that is losing and I won't let him win. Just a couple more stories about him I want to get off my chest. Once during an argument my parents were have my dad came to me and said "do you think me and your mom should divorce?". "Yes" was all I could say. That is hoe much I hated him. So he packed his shit the next night while my mom was at work and before we went to bed he came upstairs to say good bye cause when he left for work the next morning he wasn't coming back. Even though I hated him I still cried at the situation and my little brother was devastated and when it came time to do it my dad couldn't and stayed.  He seemed better for a while but it didn't last. During my senior year we had to record a message about our parents that would be played overhead at a ceremony. I talked about my mom and how she was always there and helped with whatever I needed and when it came to my dad I lied and said thanks for always being there when I needed to talk. I don't even think my dad showed up for that event so it didn't matter. But thats what I felt. Since I graduated and moved out he has gotten easier to get along with, but I only see him once a month so it all works out. I do not think that my dad would accept me if I came out. When my dads side of the family was intown for my brothers graduation they were talking about a relative who had recently died from AIDS and how he deserved it and was going to hell because he was gay. It sucked to sit there and hear that because it was before I accepted who I was and it made me go way to the back of the closet.
Like I said way at the top of this post I have a wedding to go to tomorrow. My dad asked what I thought about all my friends getting to married and moving on and whatnot and all I could say is that they were stupid.lol. I do want to get married but not anytime soon, I should probably date first, and I want to wait until it is legal for me to do it in the state where I live. Than the conversation turned to who my date is-no one. And than whose hows I as staying at, with the undertone of "whats her name?" My grandma also talked about my getting married today.
I have always worried that people think I am gay. But apparently I am an awesome liar. haha not really a good trait to be proud of but its gotten me this far.

Well that is my ramble of random shit loosely related and put together in yet another long post. Hopefully I can catch a little football tomorrow in between all the wedding shit. Hope you all have a decent weekend, and if you have emailed me I plan on responding Sunday. later
something random to look at.lol