Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Set ups

What's up???? I just wanted to talk about something that has happened alot recently. I am a manager at my job and am only 23 which means I supervise quite a few people that are older than me. There is one lady who keeps trying to set me up with her daughter. Her daughter doesn't seem like a bad person but I am obviously not attracted to her. I just laugh off the suggestion and tell her I am not dating her daughter. Her daughter recently got a job really close to where we work and is in there all the time. I always here comments from people that know about how good she thinks I look. Lol. And that she likes me. She tries to flirt with me and I do my best to just let it fade out. I don't feel the need to explain myself to anyone but at the same time I don't want the weird situations.
Then there is another girl a few years younger than me who is trying to we me up with her friend. Have never met the friend but she has seen me before while at my job and told her friend to set us up. The girl I work with has tried to show me pictures and stuff but I just laugh I off. I am glad I come off as straight but I really wish people would let me be me and keeps private life mine.
On a better note the other day at work I saw this hot guy wondering around my store. Than a little later I backed up into him on accident an he smiled and said "a little butt bump never hurt anyone". I was in a hurry and had to walk away but I was smiling. Haha. No that I would have made a move but if he would have said something I would have been ok with it even if I was at work.
That's all for now. Peace out and hope everyone is doing ok.

Monday, November 28, 2011

families reaction to gay stuff

I am at the stage where I need to come out to my family. I just really don't fell the need to tell anyone else unless they are related to me. even when it comes to family I am more focused with telling my moms side. I already know my dads side will be put off by it but who cares I rarely see them. Here are some things that my family has said/done when gay stuff has come up.
 To start off with here is a story that I mentioned in my last post. My moms first cousin Ann got married to Gene 30 or so years ago. They had 3 kids together and bought a house in a small town close to where I grew up. One day about 7 or 8 years ago Gene told Ann that he wanted a divorce cause he was gay. One thing I will never do is get married to a girl, I know it isn't what I want and its not fair to her. So in this aspect I think Gene was in the wrong, however my cousin Ann is a fucking cunt. It is amazing to me that Gene was so concerned with being shunned and disowned by his family that he hid himself for so long with such a horrible person. He does get props for that, I want to punch her in the throat after spending 30 minutes with her. Anyway he went about it the best way he could. Ann and her parents successfully turned the 2 youngest kids that still lived with her against their dad. They told him how disgusting he was and a whole bunch of wonderful things any teenager would like to hear about their father. Gene's parents even stopped talking to him for awhile. They are very religious and couldn't handle seeing him so he would only be invited to family gatherings if his kids were going to be able to be there. Ann's mom is just as big an idiot as she is, now I get that she would be pissed off that her daughter spent so much of her life on a guy who left her, but she would talk mad shit about Gene at any opportunity. Everything is alot better for Gene now, he is still with the same guy he started dating after he left Ann. All of of his kids are back to loving him and he is included in his own familys functions.
Now family reactions. Ann and her parents are verbally anti-homo. I understand their anger with Gene but they don't have to talk about homos so negatively. They are people who I avoid so I could care less what they say. Ann's 2 siblings still talk to Gene when they see him and have no problem with him.lol....like I said Ann is a bitch. The same goes for everyone in my moms immediate family, we all talk to Gene still when we see him and they keep in touch online. No one in my family has a problem with him being gay, or so they say which I am glad for.
This weekend I was talking about Christmas decorations with my Grandma and she said that Gene's "roommate" had decorated the apartment and put pictures on facebook (yes my grandma has facebook.....). here is our conversation:
gma-Genes roommate decorated the apartment with Christmas
me-Grandma they are not roommates
gma-well what do you want me to call them
me-boyfriends
gma-but they live together
me-yes, cause they are dating
gma-but I'm old and am supposed to say roommates
me-but they aren't roommates
gma-but they share a room
me-so do you and grandpa
gma-well fine then

haha. I don't know why I said anything it just bugged me a little when she said roommates. And then I told my aunt the story when my grandma was sitting with us and she laughed and she didn't really want to say boyfriends either and than her and my grandma went on something to the extent of "to each his own, and whatever makes him happy". Which I suppose is a good view, but when I come out and don't want brushed off to "each his own" status, I want included. I want asked questions, I want to bring my "roommate" to Thanksgiving and Christmas. It might seem immature but I am fine holding my presence at family functions ransom if it means not being able to go to stuff with the person I want.
Also I can't even recount how many times I was asked this weekend about my girlfriend or any girls or blah blah blah. I have seriously worried that I didn't play straight well enough. Now I wish someone would say "hey are you gay?", if it was in the right setting I would say yes. It would be easier then trying to figure out when I make that switch from lying to someone and go to telling them something they never would have assumed. It would be freeing if I could just go on facebook and change my interested in to guys, and update me status to "I like D, get the fuck over it"...haha someday.
another thing quick. I still have grindr, I don't know why, maybe I am holding out hope. Anyway I checked it when I was back at my parents just thinking that some how there would be another gay guy to graduate from my town in the last decade or so that would know what grindr was....Fuck was I wrong.lol the closest guys were always 35 to 40 miles away. Maybe my town has to much "straight" in the water. While I was typing tonight this guy started a chat on grindr, he had no pic but I like to give a chance and he was responding really quick but his grammar was horrible, as in 3rd grader with the capabilities of a 1st grader. I understand people don't always use perfect grammar, myself included, but this dude was bad. Then he sent a pic and I didn't respond after 4 minutes so he went crazy clingy and sent 3 messages in a 1 minute time frame......blocked. Dude, we have been talking for 6 minutes calm the fuck down. Not that I was expecting alot from grindr but he was crazy. haha
I always feel a little better after writing. good night all

wasted weekend

How was everyone's Thanksgiving?? Good I hope. Mine was awesome I don't get to spend time with my family alot so anytime I get to I enjoy.
I got to meet up with some of my old friends which was really fun since we are all old enough to drink and hit up the 1 decent bar in my hometown. Out of the 6 people I was with only my friend B knows about me. We never had a chance to talk just the 2 of us but I am ok with that.
   This morning I woke up and checked my blogger and I read a post from a blogger that has since been deleted. He is going through some shit right now which sucks for him cause its how I have been feeling lately too. I have been really depressed lately I guess just with the whole being gay thing. I try not to get down and I try to put on a front but I just can't keep it up all the time. Most of you have probably been there before. I just get tired of being different and lonely and wish I was heterosexually normal.
    When I was making one of my 2 hour drives for the weekend I had one though on my mind and it was the same as the blog I read to day: I wish I wasn't gay and since I can't help that I wish I would have kept my mouth shut and stayed in the closet so I could pretend to have normal life. Ya I would be lying to everyone else but when they looked at me it would be an objective, less judgmental look.
            That being said I am glad that I have told the people that I have especially U. He has turned out to be supportive and exactly the friend that I need. I know that he will be there for me and because of that I will continue to tell people. I really can't go back now as much as I wished I could and it isn't going to do me any good so sit around denying who I am. The one thing I know is that I don't want to wait til I am 40 and come out completely, why waste more time than I already have. There is a story behind that for another post.
          In my last post I set the goal of telling my mom...it is still a goal. I couldn't bring myself to do it. I don't know what it will take to get me there but I really want to tell her. I was going to do it Saturday but my family ended up going Christmas shopping and then I went to the bar with my cousin. So I was going to do do it Sunday before I left, but I was watching football with my Grandpa (GO TEBOW!!!!) and then my mom was with my cousin the afternoon. So I left feeling defeated and pissed off at myself. Then I was going through shit in my head and realized that i forgot something I needed I was only 15 miles from town so I turned around and called my mom and asked to meet me at the gas station a couple miles outside of town. On my way there I started to think that this was it, my mom was going to be alone, I could tell her and talk for a minute than get back in my car and drive off into the sunset.haha. I got the the gas station and got my shit and said bye. I thought about it more and realized that telling my mom outside of a gas station wasn't gonna help the situation at all. Then I got to sit in my car for my 2 hour drive home regretting not telling her and getting super angry at myself.
     Overall my weekend was awesome in the sense of seeing my family but as for getting myself in a better mentality it wasn't as good. My cousin asked me about my love life and I wanted to tell him but we aren't that close anymore and when I asked myself "Do I tell cousin?" my gut instinct was no.

My question for any of you guys that are out to your families is how did you tell your mom? I just need help with this one. I want to tell my family and a few more good friends and once I am at peace with that then I could care less about anyone else who knows.
thanks and later

ps. i know this video is everywhere right now but I like it and have watched it a couple times. I am not an overly emotional guy but it definitely brought a tear to my eye.....and oh yeah Go Broncos! haha


Thursday, November 17, 2011

its been a while

Whats up guys?? Sorry for the slack in posting. My computer took a shit but I'm gonna try to stay up to date. I have a lot to throw out there but I don't think it will be all at once.
So I guess right now I will talk about U...I don't know how I feel about him anymore. I used to really like him which made talking to him leave me with false hopes that he was in the closet (which to be fair he gave off some weird vibes) and wanted to be more than friends. We have ended up hanging out every weekend for the last four weeks. It has gotten easier to talk to him about "gay" stuff and I think I have come to realize that all I need from him is friendship and he has become my best friend over that last month. When I think about guys to date or someone I would want to date i end up comparing them to him. Or just wishing they were just like him. He really is an awesome guy and I'm glad he is my friend and only a friend.
Next... I went to my first gay bar. And to make the experience more awkward it was someone who doesn't know I'm gay. haha. I was at a bar and my friend wanted me to go to the birthday party she was at. I decided to stop by cause #1 I wanted to go to a gay bar and #2 it was on my way home, I wouldn't have gone if it was out of my way. My only complaint was that it was a dance club and they went a little overboard on the fake fog, it was stuck in my nose hairs in the morning. Overall it was a really good experience. I'm not much of a dancer anyway so its not like I was restraining myself to stay in the closet but everyone seemed to be having fun and it was cool to see a place where guys could dance and kiss in public in the midwest and people not make comments under their breath. I was the one who had to go to the bar and get drinks because my wait in line was much less than the couple girls who went.lol.  I didn't get hit on at all, at the same time I didn't try either. And I don't think I looked the most inviting. I was kind of just taking it all in. U is supposed to be coming to town for a bachelor party this weekend and when they go to the strip club he is going to ditch them (cause he's "not a fan of titty bars") and I think we are going to head to the gay bar again, and hopefully it will be a lot more comfortable.
And last but not least..........................................I think I am going to come out to my mom over Thanksgiving. I don't know why I just feel this need to do it when I am home. I only get there once a month and I don't want to do it over Christmas because I won't be home more than just Christmas Day, and I don't think I will be able to keep it in much longer. Its not that being gay is always on my mind its the fact that I am lying and keeping a secret and it is consuming me. I just can't think about much else. It's kind of dragging me down and I have been edgy towards people and I have a feeling that once I tell my mom I can tell more and more people and I will feel "free". I don't know maybe its wishful thinking. I don't even know how to bring it up to my mom, I have decided that it doesn't ever just come up naturally.lol. I don't want to do it in a letter, or a text, or facebook. I need to see that snap reaction from a person to see how they honestly feel about it. Where as if it is through text/fb/letter than they can hold back and sugar coat it or something.idk
anyway I have to go and watch Tebow and the Broncos kick the Jets ass. Ill write soon this time