Whats up guys?? Sorry for the slack in posting. My computer took a shit but I'm gonna try to stay up to date. I have a lot to throw out there but I don't think it will be all at once.
So I guess right now I will talk about U...I don't know how I feel about him anymore. I used to really like him which made talking to him leave me with false hopes that he was in the closet (which to be fair he gave off some weird vibes) and wanted to be more than friends. We have ended up hanging out every weekend for the last four weeks. It has gotten easier to talk to him about "gay" stuff and I think I have come to realize that all I need from him is friendship and he has become my best friend over that last month. When I think about guys to date or someone I would want to date i end up comparing them to him. Or just wishing they were just like him. He really is an awesome guy and I'm glad he is my friend and only a friend.
Next... I went to my first gay bar. And to make the experience more awkward it was someone who doesn't know I'm gay. haha. I was at a bar and my friend wanted me to go to the birthday party she was at. I decided to stop by cause #1 I wanted to go to a gay bar and #2 it was on my way home, I wouldn't have gone if it was out of my way. My only complaint was that it was a dance club and they went a little overboard on the fake fog, it was stuck in my nose hairs in the morning. Overall it was a really good experience. I'm not much of a dancer anyway so its not like I was restraining myself to stay in the closet but everyone seemed to be having fun and it was cool to see a place where guys could dance and kiss in public in the midwest and people not make comments under their breath. I was the one who had to go to the bar and get drinks because my wait in line was much less than the couple girls who went.lol. I didn't get hit on at all, at the same time I didn't try either. And I don't think I looked the most inviting. I was kind of just taking it all in. U is supposed to be coming to town for a bachelor party this weekend and when they go to the strip club he is going to ditch them (cause he's "not a fan of titty bars") and I think we are going to head to the gay bar again, and hopefully it will be a lot more comfortable.
And last but not least..........................................I think I am going to come out to my mom over Thanksgiving. I don't know why I just feel this need to do it when I am home. I only get there once a month and I don't want to do it over Christmas because I won't be home more than just Christmas Day, and I don't think I will be able to keep it in much longer. Its not that being gay is always on my mind its the fact that I am lying and keeping a secret and it is consuming me. I just can't think about much else. It's kind of dragging me down and I have been edgy towards people and I have a feeling that once I tell my mom I can tell more and more people and I will feel "free". I don't know maybe its wishful thinking. I don't even know how to bring it up to my mom, I have decided that it doesn't ever just come up naturally.lol. I don't want to do it in a letter, or a text, or facebook. I need to see that snap reaction from a person to see how they honestly feel about it. Where as if it is through text/fb/letter than they can hold back and sugar coat it or something.idk
anyway I have to go and watch Tebow and the Broncos kick the Jets ass. Ill write soon this time
You're right, coming out almost never comes up naturally. Or you have to do/say something VERY obvious before people start questioning. It has been my 'strategy' for some years to answer honestly if people asked me something about being gay, but that just never happens. And sure telling 'live' really is the best, but I doubt it's a good idea to do that when there's festivities going on. I don't know how you celebrate things but people can be stressed about making dinner and guests coming, wich can make it rather awkward. Just telling, idk how that goes in your place.
ReplyDeleteBefore I was with my bf he once visited a gaybar with his best (straight) friend too, but the poor guy wasn't that much at ease with all those guys checking him (and his sick body)out he told me haha. So it sounds fun to me if U does feel comfortable to go with you. Have fun!