I got to meet up with some of my old friends which was really fun since we are all old enough to drink and hit up the 1 decent bar in my hometown. Out of the 6 people I was with only my friend B knows about me. We never had a chance to talk just the 2 of us but I am ok with that.
This morning I woke up and checked my blogger and I read a post from a blogger that has since been deleted. He is going through some shit right now which sucks for him cause its how I have been feeling lately too. I have been really depressed lately I guess just with the whole being gay thing. I try not to get down and I try to put on a front but I just can't keep it up all the time. Most of you have probably been there before. I just get tired of being different and lonely and wish I was heterosexually normal.
When I was making one of my 2 hour drives for the weekend I had one though on my mind and it was the same as the blog I read to day: I wish I wasn't gay and since I can't help that I wish I would have kept my mouth shut and stayed in the closet so I could pretend to have normal life. Ya I would be lying to everyone else but when they looked at me it would be an objective, less judgmental look.
That being said I am glad that I have told the people that I have especially U. He has turned out to be supportive and exactly the friend that I need. I know that he will be there for me and because of that I will continue to tell people. I really can't go back now as much as I wished I could and it isn't going to do me any good so sit around denying who I am. The one thing I know is that I don't want to wait til I am 40 and come out completely, why waste more time than I already have. There is a story behind that for another post.
In my last post I set the goal of telling my mom...it is still a goal. I couldn't bring myself to do it. I don't know what it will take to get me there but I really want to tell her. I was going to do it Saturday but my family ended up going Christmas shopping and then I went to the bar with my cousin. So I was going to do do it Sunday before I left, but I was watching football with my Grandpa (GO TEBOW!!!!) and then my mom was with my cousin the afternoon. So I left feeling defeated and pissed off at myself. Then I was going through shit in my head and realized that i forgot something I needed I was only 15 miles from town so I turned around and called my mom and asked to meet me at the gas station a couple miles outside of town. On my way there I started to think that this was it, my mom was going to be alone, I could tell her and talk for a minute than get back in my car and drive off into the sunset.haha. I got the the gas station and got my shit and said bye. I thought about it more and realized that telling my mom outside of a gas station wasn't gonna help the situation at all. Then I got to sit in my car for my 2 hour drive home regretting not telling her and getting super angry at myself.
Overall my weekend was awesome in the sense of seeing my family but as for getting myself in a better mentality it wasn't as good. My cousin asked me about my love life and I wanted to tell him but we aren't that close anymore and when I asked myself "Do I tell cousin?" my gut instinct was no.
My question for any of you guys that are out to your families is how did you tell your mom? I just need help with this one. I want to tell my family and a few more good friends and once I am at peace with that then I could care less about anyone else who knows.
thanks and later
ps. i know this video is everywhere right now but I like it and have watched it a couple times. I am not an overly emotional guy but it definitely brought a tear to my eye.....and oh yeah Go Broncos! haha
I still haven't officially declared myself gay or anything, but I have spoken to my mom on several occasions about my sexuality. Most recently I talked to her about definitely having an attraction to guys, so basically she knows it's between gay and bi.
ReplyDeleteAnyways, each time I broached the subject with my mom I divulged a bit more. I guess my situation was somewhat unusual because I started "coming out" to her before I even new what I was exactly coming out as. The first time was a couple years ago. She already knew I was seeing a counselor so I told her I wanted to talk about why. Aft first I talked about concerns I had over my sexual desire, feeling it was lower than other guys. I later admitted having had some attractions to men. After talking twice she expressed discomfort with the topic, which discouraged me so I didn't attempt to talk to her more for quite some time. Finally recently I decided to bring it up again and told her about discussions I've had with a friend that led me to start thinking I might be gay. The most recent conversation with my mom was actually really cool, we were staying in a hotel together for a family event out of town and I had a very frank discussion with her. We even agreed on the hotness of this one guy who we saw at lunch, LOL. Let me tell you, when you're bonding with your mom over hot guys . . . that's a bizarre day.
Other than her the only other family members that know are my three cousins. Father, sisters, nephews, nieces, brother-in-law, uncles, aunts . . . those actually have me more nervous. I have a rather conservative family.
Best of luck with figuring out how best to do it. Sometimes "the right time" isn't going to just come around, you have to make it happen. And I really don't think you'd be happier if you could take back coming out. Living a dishonest life is not psychologically healthy, as I'm sure others could attest to. I think reaching out to the blogosphere like you are doing is a positive step, it certainly was for me. Let me know if you ever want to chat or anything.
From personal experience your gut instinct will always be "no" until you tell enough people it doesn't matter anymore. its like a catch 22
ReplyDeleteI can't help but feel super powerless to hear you talk about the same experiences I've had and been through... then I pushed past them and wished I would have done it sooner.
Just from my point of view... there is never a "good" time to come out to friends and family. Your gut will always tell you no because you've been conditioned to hide it. If you're closeted this long (like I was) we become the world's best actors. But really I realized I just masking my fears and insecurities. If I stayed that way I would have always been unhappy and to be honest probably suicidal. I couldn't stay there any longer.
I've tried to grow and move on and it's been fucking hard. But it's totally worth it. I try to own my own success and own my own failures. If I feel uncomfortable with friends/family bringing up gay issues it's only natural, but if I repeatedly refuse to open up to them it's nobody's fault but mine. It's my choice. I can choose to be happy or I can choose to be sad. Who's life am I living anyway? Yea there will be hurdles but everybody's life has them. Ours can be particularly painful but those were the cards I was dealt.
Wish you the best man. Really hope you are able to work through things because I promise you they will get better real soon.
-Tyler
i wrote a letter to my mom just cause it was the easiest way to get everything out. i knew if i said it face to face, i wouldnt of been able to finish or clearly explain my thoughts
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