Merry Christmas!

Hey guys hope everyone is able to spend today with you families and loved ones. I am at my parents house in the middle of nowhere and couldn't be happier. I got off work early enough last night that I made it here intone to open presents with my family. A couple years ago we had a blizzard on Christmas eve an I was trapped out of town for 3 days. Worst Christmas ever.
Later today we are going to my Grandmas to have extended family Christmas which should be pretty fun.
So far this has been the best Christmas in awhile. And not because I got good stuff but because I got my family good stuff and I like when I am able to give something to them.
On a gay note last night my brothers were arguing and one of them called the other a fag, right away my mom yelled at him and told him to watch his mouth. Which I thought was pretty cool because I have never heard her get mad for anyone using that word. Now I just need to make it through this week when I get asked 77487437 times if I have a girlfriend and why not. And my mom has been in a kick about me getting married lately..... But it shouldn't be to bad. I'll just hang out with my little cousins, they have less expectations. Haha.
Anyway regardless of what you guys are up to today and whether you celebrate Christmas or not I hope you get to enjoy your day and time with your family.
Thanks and have fun!!

A new me

The past year has been the roughest, toughest, best year of my life. First off I accepted who I am early in 2011. Which was huge for me because I have been denying since I was about 15. In April, the 16th to be exact, I came out to Lea. On August 20th I came out to U and finally on October 15th I came out to my friend B. Way more coming out than I planned on a year ago.
Recently I decided that I am going back to school this spring. I feel like I am incomplete with out a degree and a less sophisticated human being. I'm not sure why I feel that way but its a goal that needs accomplished so I will do it.
One thing I really wanted to focus on was my physical changes recently. The week before I came out to U I was really depressed and couldn't do much of anything. Eating included. I lost a little weight that week and I felt good once I came out so I decided what the fuck I am going to keep this up.

One thing I do not like to talk about is how I look. I don't think that I am attractive, when I see myself I wouldn't expect anyone to look twice. I am not ugly (I think) just overweight, which by definition is unattractive.  I do not find fat guys appealing so why would anyone find me attractive???That was my thought process so I decided to change that in August. And I am actually doing it. Here are some pics......I have no idea why I am posting these. I have this fear that you guys will see what I looked/ look like and will stop reading. I know I haven't set up some false image if myself that I am shattering but that is pretty much the only reason I haven't discussed myself til now.....anyway here is a picture of me on vacation in Chicago a couple years ago.

Disgusting I know.

This is me tonight.

A little bit better in my opinion...actually 30lbs better since August. I know I still have some work to do. My goal is to lose another 30lbs by this summer. Sounds petty but I want to swim with my shirt off, something I have felt to uncomfortable to do since I was probably in the 3rd or 4th grade in Colorado.

And finally one more

This one is my favorite.. In the past 4 months I have gone down 5 notches in my belt. Now my belt is too big and I only wear it because it halfway keeps my pants up.
 In 6 months I turn 24 and I want to say that I am happy with my life. That I am fulfilled with pursuing my education and knowing I am doing something that will help me long term. I also want to feel comfortable with how I look and have guys look at me.

later guys--watch my previous video from tonight.haha

I want this

Hey guys,
 I saw this video and had to post it. Warning though, if you watch it your going to cry or at least come very close, or if you don't have a heart you will be fine.

Now watch it again.
and again.
That is my goal. I just want to be loved and more than anything love someone in a way that I never have before....now I am getting sappy.
Anyway enjoy the video, I am watching it again. And will do so until I go to bed.
good night.
ps- my broncos lost yesterday, fuck tom brady

screw settling

I have come to a 189% sure conclusion that I am starting school again this spring. I can not settle for my mediocre job with my less than pleasant life in the place where I live. I need to change all of the above and the first step on this path is to better myself with am education to get a better job that I will enjoy and want to go to everyday. I have always been interested in law and politics and am going to get my bachelors in political science. I have always thought I wanted to teach and that might be a fall back but I want more from life. I want to have a job with responsibilities and have an influence, obviously both qualities of teaching just not what I think I want anymore. I had some issues while I was in school before and come January I will be in good standing on my loan and after and come fall semester I will be eligible for loans and grants again so I will be able to get shit rolling for real, until then I will take classes at a community college.

The reason I am writing this is because I got "lectured" at work today. Not because I did anything wrong but because I am a positive person......exactly, what the fuck. There was an issue with some people I supervise and my natural reaction to everything is to see the positive in everything. So when I was told about the issue I gave a sarcastic laugh and said "ugh why do people say stuff like that". I knew the situation was serious and warranted a serious response but my laugh was a laugh of disbelief and frustration. Even when someone puked and it blew into my mouth this weekend, I laughed. Its just what I do. There is no reason to not try and be positive and upbeat about a situation once it has happened and nothing can be changed. I know that when I blog I vent allot of sadness and frustration, but this is my only outlet to do so, I have no living breathing person to vent this kind of stuff to, so this is a benefit of my blog. Don't get me wrong I am not the type of guy who is peppy and runs around with a huge fake smile plastered on all the time or anything like that, but there is no reason not to laugh at life, who will benefit from me walking around like an asshole yelling at people being serious all the time??? No one. So why would I want to continue to work in a place where having a personality is grounds for getting lectured. I would also like to point out that 85%  of the people I am over are older than me. I am 23 and in charge of 40 year old children.
This was not a tipping point to my decision, it was already made. I was just super pissed off after the whole ordeal and it cemented my decision and I wanted to vent.

One random thought. After watching the Real World tonight I think I want to go on to the show. 5 of the roommates became really good friends and were genuinely sad to see each other leave when the show was over. I have never had that sort of random people meeting and becoming awesome friends. And I really would like to meet people and be straight up with them as gay and them be ok with it and treat me as a human. And I would love to get away from life for 3 months and just hang out and have fun.
Until I make the cast, school here I come!!!

no more gay bar

Here are some highlights from my weekend when I decided to be responsible and be a designated driver, and how I will never do it again.

First off my wisdom teeth are gone. It only took 20 minutes for the surgeon to extract them. Afterwards I was coherent enough to not come out to my mom (I don't know why this was a fear, but it was petty and I was worried), I was however talking like I was drunk and my mom got a kick out of it. Today was the first day I was able to eat something solid and it was the best cheeseburger I have ever had. On Saturday morning I was still passed out from my drugs when I got a call from one of my old roommates. He was calling from jail and he needed someone to go pick him up. I went and picked him up and he told me that he got a DUI, pretty much for being stupid and taking the longest possible way home from the bar on the busiest streets, not that drinking and driving isn't stupid in itself. Anyway I went and picked him up and took him to his get his car out of the impound and then went to work.

When I got off work I went out with some friends for a birthday and volunteered to be DD since I was on pain drugs and didn't want to drink while on them. We went to a few bars and then ended up going to the gay club, as its the only legit dance club in the city. I'm not much of dancer, it looks fun but I'm not one to put myself out there..someday I will. Anyway while at the bar I was on "purse patrol" and watching the purses while everyone else was on the dance floor. I was ok with it as it gave me a chance to look around the bar and gauge the gay scene here. And I came to the conclusion that it isn't for me. I don't dress in drag. I don't wear super tight clothes. I don''t drink pink, sugary, blended drinks. I don't have any feminine qualities. I just don't fit in there. And I am 100% ok with that. Don't get me wrong there were a few hot guys in there but not as many as I would like.haha. One guy came up and started talking to me while he was getting a drink, he seemed liked a decent guy but once again I went to the gay bar with no one who knows that I am gay so there was another level of awkward added. I wish my area had a gay sports bar. I know there are a few of them in bigger cities around the country and they sound like a place that I could fit into pretty well.

                                                                    none of this

                                                                 more of this

Now here comes the humorous/disgusting part of my weekend. After the bar closed I had to fulfill my duties as the DD and take one of my friends home. She only had 5 drinks in the 4 hours that we were at the bar, and she was burning some of that off while dancing. I had a few drinks in the same amount of time and I felt 100% fine when we left. Once we got started down the interstate she told me she felt sick and to pull over. I had just passed an exit and wasn't going to pull over on the interstate, as I said I had a little to drink and cops usually stop when there is a car on the side of the road with a vomiting passenger. So I told her to go ahead and roll her window down and have at it. I want too concerned wit having to wash my car the next day. What actually happened was a disaster. **this is not for the faint or easily sickened** My friend started vomiting out the window as instructed. However, being inebriated, she forgot some laws of physics and momentum. Instead of looking towards the back of the car while getting sick she looked straight ahead...I was driving 65 down the interstate, needless to say it all went back into her face. From her face the wind pushed it back and the shit literally started to fly, everywhere. Everywhere includes my shoulder, my hair, my cheek, IN MY FUCKING MOUTH. I am not the type of person to get sick easily, I can see or smell all kinds of considerably disgusting stuff and be fin, however vomit is where the line is drawn. Puke evokes puke for me. I don't know what came over me but I was able to contain myself and just gag in between my laughs of disbelief and disgust. I dropped her off at home and felt bad for her cause all of it had blown back into her face and she looked sad and gross. haha. 

I got home took a picture of the side of my car and went to bed cause I had to get up and work early. When I opened my door the next morning I gagged instantly. I didn't realize that this girl practically totaled the interior of my car with her stomachs contents. I drive an SUV and there was shit all the way in the cargo area in the back, not to mention everything in between. Enough details. Obviously I needed to clean it up so i went to the car wash and power sprayed the outside for my full minute thirty my quarters paid for, and then I had to add a few more to finish the job. 

I spent my lunch hour with a pair of rubber gloves, carpet cleaner, paper towels, a scrubbing brush, and febreeze. It all cleaned up relatively easy, except the ceiling. Yes you read correctly, my ceiling was destroyed and took quite a bit of effort to clean up but I got it. I had 3 "new car" tree air fresheners in there for the past few days so the horrible smell is gone. 

I wasn't even mad at her which is weird cause when I think of someone else telling me the story I would have told that person they should be pissed and make the other person clean it up, which is what everyone has told me, but I don't feel like getting pissed over stuff if I don't have to for some reason lately.

I just wanted to share that with anyone who wanted to hear about something disgusting/humorous. Someday I hope I have a guy to tell you about but until then you will have to deal with my asexual existence. 

I found a Christmas tree today that I thought was awesome so I bought it and decorated it. It is the ugliest thing in the entire world but I love it and glad that I will have something to put up every year. Here is a pic:

Ugly right......If anyone knows where to get a Tebow tree topper please let me know.haha

I will leave you with this pic. I would rather watch guys make out and show actual affection for each than just watch 2 dudes paid to go at it with each other, just throwing that out there.haha

later

Blog vomit

This post is just a few random thoughts I have in my head today so please bear with me.
1st off I have to get my wisdom teeth "extracted" on Thursday. They are growing in at a forward slant and smashing into my other teeth which is causing some insane pressure in my mouth. I am really fine with all of this my only issue is that my mom is coming to take me to the dentist, yes I am still slightly a mommies boy, and I hear that people say some pretty ridiculous things when they wake up from being gassed for surgery. I just don't want my subconscious to get the best of me when I am high and just blurt out to my mom that I am gay....not really how I would like this conversation to happen. I am probably just being paranoid but hey what's new there.
Next up. Tonight Lea was watching teen mom and was in the room and we started arguing about parenting styles, as you can imagine there is some room for improvement from some of the people on the show. Apparently I would be to honest of a parent when letting them know they have made mistakes. Lea said "I am glad you will never have kids". She didn't say it in a mean way it's just the fact that she thinks gay guys can't have kids that git to me Obviously there are some differences in getting is we get them, like lack of ovaries, but it happens. And it will happen for me, I will have kids and me and my husband will be damn good parents. I'm not a huge fan of kids now but I know 117% that I want kids when I am ready.
And lastly sorry if I seem to whine on here. I have acquaintances on Facebook who constantly bitch about petty things and it irks the hell out of me. So I want to apologize if I portray myself in that way. I just come here to get out what I can't to anyone else. Blogger has become one of the best things in my life right now. I am able to get stuff off of my chest and I love the feedback. I check it regularly to see if any of they guys I follow have posted because I feel some weird similarities to them. I have never met any of them in person. But when I read what they have I feel less alone.
So thanks again to whoever reads this.
Peace out and the next time I write I will be down 4 teeth, but just because I'm in the Midwest doesn't mean they will be front ones.

This is what I want to have

damn u

I thought my sexuality was confusing enough. After hanging out with U this weekend I am completely fucking lost on where he stands. As I said I have accepted him a friend and nothing more, I am not going to waste my time holding on to some straight guy fantasy that has a 1 in 1 million chance of happening. Those were my perceived odds 2 days ago, now they seem alot better.
U and his gf came up Saturday and we were going to go to the elite 8 soccer game downtown. (anyone with google can probably figure out where I live now, but who cares). We got there Saturday and sat at the stadium in the snow for an hour. They announced the lineups and we were ready for kickoff when the decided to postpone the game until Sunday. assholes. We decided to do the only reasonable thing and hit up the bar at 2pm. We sat there for a long time and it kept snowing outside. U and gf decided they were going to stay in a hotel so they didn't have to make the drive again today. He instantly volunteered me to stay in the hotel with them, even though my house is 25 minutes away. I was down with it, it just meant more time hanging out at the bars. Anyway there were alot of times where there was like awkward eye contact and weird smiles. I have no idea how to explain it. I just know that I am not going to come on to him or make a move or anything because he knows I'm gay and I don't want to lose one of the few friends who I have came out to. But it was all just weird small things going on that caught my attention. After a long 10 hours at the bar we had enough and went to the hotel. Here is what really threw me off. We got a room with 2 queen beds and obviously I would have my own bed and U and gf would share. As we were getting ready for bed U was laying in his bed talking to me and gf was looking the other way doing her own thing. As we were talking he started to pull his pants down on the left side which is where I was, like pants and boxers. He was doing it slowly and while talking to and looking at me and he just kept going until he got to right above his junk and so could see a fair amount of ass cheek. I had no idea what to do or say so I just looked away.
what the fuck??????????????????????????????????????????
Its hard enough to not want more than friendship with him. If he were gay he would be the perfect guy. And if not I need to find the gay version of him. He looked really good yesterday, with and without clothes.haha.
I think gf is a really nice and all but I don't really see how U is dating her. Her sense of humor is extremely bland and she restates everything that she hears that she thinks is funny in a less than funny way that results in a forced laugh from U. I thinks that U just really wants to start a family and make his parents proud. They really want grandkids and U has had this ridiculous schedule he set when he was younger of a timeline to accomplish certain things, marriage and kids included. I just feel that he is sticking to it because it seems easier than coming out..
.
.
Anyway the soccer game was fun today, super cold but it was worth it.
Hope you guys all had a good weekend. peace out

Stupid feeling

I just got off the phone with my mom and I feel super depressed now. I just saw almost my entire family during Thanksgiving and had a blast at home. I talk to my mom on the phone a couple times a week but it's usually just short conversations. Once every 2 or 3 weeks we have a long talk on the phone and I visit home once a month. It's only a 2 hour drive but with 2 jobs it makes getting back difficult. Anyway I just talked to her and got this shitty depressed feeling as we were in the phone. She was updating me on stuff with my grandparents and brothers etc. and all I did was listen. I can't connect myself fully with anyone because I feel like I'm not being honest with them, even in conversation. There is stuff that I want to be able to tell people and express certain things but I can't so I just hold back. I have always done it I guess even at the bar with friends. Everyone would say "hey look at that chick" "damn she's hot" blah blah blah. And I would just agree or laugh. If I can't commit myself fully then I really don't want to try. So I have always been passive in conversations rather than come out or make up some blatant lies. I have enough of those without having to go out of my way.
Anyway I just wanted to tell my mom over the phone. Just to get it out there it get over the depressed feeling. Maybe she would be ok with it and everything would be awesome or maybe she would yell at me and condemn me and hang up but at least I would know and could move on to figuring actual romantic relationships out. I don't know that I will honestly try to date before my mom knows. I don't know where this is going I'm just tired of internalizing everything and since I don't really have someone close to talk to this works.
I'm supposed to go out for a birthday tonight but now I'd rather be emo and angry at home. Its also supposed to snow here tonight and tomorrow and I was planning on going to one of the quarterfinal games of the men's NCAA tourney tomorrow. Stupid Midwest winter.
Adios Amigos