***This post is lengthy***
For a while since my last post I was thinking that there was nothing going on in my life worth putting out there, and I was actually troubled because that meant I have let myself get into a comfortable routine and if I stay in that comfortable rut then I am not going progress in my coming out at all. I have reached the point in time where the absence of another gay person in my life is irritating. I have a few friends who I know I can talk to but at the same time there is no way that they can 100% relate 100% of the time. So with that thought in mind I started talking to this guy online with the understanding that it was for friendship only and nothing sexual would ever develop. It was all good for the first few days and then through some freakish coincidental circumstances it turns out we have a few Facebook friends in common and a picture was posted online of him on a friends page. I wasn't really concerned with what he looked like, as friendship was my only goal going in, but what I saw online was not at all how he described himself. I was looking for other masculine normal dudes and he presented himself as such in his emails, in his picture he looked anything but (the shaped eyebrows were a slight indicator). That lie along with the fact that he started to ask for pictures a lot were enough for me to give up on him. So now I need to figure out a time to head downtown and meet some people in person.A couple weeks ago 2 co-workers were talking and looking at me and called me over, I knew on my way over that my sexuality was going to come up, its a 6th sense. haha. Anyway I get over there and am almost immediately asked "guys or girls?". Fuuuuuck. As I stated in a previous post I don't want to lie anymore when asked the question, but at the same time I really didn't want to come out to these two. I did everything I could to avoid answering the question and joke about it with them, but they didn't relent and I lied.... I walked off pissed off at myself but at the same time at them for feeling the need to talk about me at all.
About a week ago I was trying to call one of my friends to let her know I was on my way over to pic her up so we could go hang out and I accidentally called one of the girls who works at the bar. I apologized for calling the wrong person and she laughed and said yeah right you really just wanted to talk to me deep down thats why you misdialed. I laughed and made small talk about the bar and work and that was it. Later that night she called me back and I swear to you she pulled the 8th grader wait til he answers and hang up cause I am too nervous. Damnit. Let me tell you about this girl. She is very, very attractive (for a girl.ha) and very a very confident person. She is also 36 or so and has a son who is 19 and in college... Anyway she called and it went like this:
me-hello
her-hi
me-whats up
her-...(silence)
...
...
...what are you doing?
me-watching tv
her-...
...
...
...
...
CLICK
I tried to brush it off and hoped she was just drunk and redialed me accidentally. A few days later I was bartending and she walked in and knew it wasn't going to be good. Her and her friend kept throwing one liners and pick up lines at me and I tried to comically deflect them, i.e: "Your tall, dark, and handsome" "I'm not that tall".haha I don't get hit on ever so I was just trying to roll with it. Then it happened. The girl I work with pulled me into the back room and tried to do so by holding my hand, which I twisted out of. I got a 6th sense flash and got nervous. She said she had a question to ask me but she didn't want me to get mad. I told her I wouldn't and she said she wanted to ask me, then she didn't, did, didn't. I told her I don't get mad and she just needed to ask me. She said that she thought I was "really adorable" and she didn't want to make a fool of herself by flirting with me followed by an "are you gay?" I stared back at her for a minute and a million things ran through my mind. Lie, tell the truth, who will she tell, can you trust her, you really don't know her, you'll probably lose your job if the people here find out, it was a million thoughts in 2 seconds, I stared at her in the eyes and said "yes, but don't tell anyone".
I just wanted to be honest for once so I did. We talked for a minute and she said again that she liked my but didn't want to make a fool of herself by being turned down and said "to each his own" and that she wouldn't tell anyone. Then she went back out to the bar and I went into the kitchen and was shaking like crazy and needed a minute to breath and relax. All I thought about til close was that conversation and tried to bring myself to be ok with it, and I am. Its got to be better than turing down a chick that looks like model in front of everyone weekly.
I have wanted to tell someone that for about a week, so let me know what you think I like feedback.
On a much, much sadder note, U is engaged :( haha. I'm really happy for him and his fiancee but of course my heart is broken and I have to come to terms with that fact that he might actually be straight. haha, oh well.
I also get to play volleyball again this summer. Volleyball is one of my favorite things to do in the summer. I am competitive and so is most of my team so winning is always enjoyable.
Here is one of my favorite bands to go running to. The music has a slight anger factor and is good to get the mood up and juices flowing. This song has actually been on the radio lately too.
