Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Big changes

In the last 6 weeks or so my life has changed dramatically. To start with I just moved in with my brother and his girlfriend. We are all renting a house together and I was really excited at the opportunity to live with him because I have never been super close with either of my bros. Obviously I knew that I wanted to come out to him if I was going to be living with him I just never found the right time to tell him, not that I was looking very hard-I was pretty content with taking the easy way and not telling him. A piece of me figured that if I told him before hand that he would change his mind and not want to live with me.
    Anyway a couple weeks after we moved in I was drinking one Saturday night and I got this message on Grindr. The dude didn't have a pic but I always reply because I'm not as much concerned with looks as I am getting to know the guy mostly because I never think I will ever meet the guy and I don't hook up anyway. We hit it off and are chatting he sends a pic and is outrageously fucking hot and he gives me his number to text him. We text for a couple weeks and set up a date. I go down to meet him, about 40 minutes from where I live, and we had a great time at dinner and a few drinks. I, being the inexperienced chicken shit that I am, do not attempt to  make a move of any sort and the night ends with no kiss. He also had fun and we continue talking and I go back another night to go out, it was a late night date of only drinks and no dinner as he had to work late. I planned to go out for a bit and then stop drinking and drive back home, he is not out to 2 of his roommates so staying with him was unfortunately not an option. Well it turns into a bit of shit show and we end up going to the gay club in town so that we can be more outward with our affection. We get there and are instantly touchy and grabby. He finally makes the move and kisses me and we make out for a bit and he decides that he is getting a room for me at the hotel a few blocks away.

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We get there and the plan was to cuddle and sleep....... Instead I had sex for the first time! This was not at all what I thought would happen and we got very little sleep that night. It was awesome and I would have done it had I not liked the kid a lot. I end up having to go back to his city for work for a few days the next week and we meet up and eat a couple times and we decide he's going to come up and visit me.

I decide that its not going to end in some hotel and I really want to wake up in my own bed spooning this kid. I get super drunk one Saturday (bottle and a half of wine and some beers) and come out to my brother while we are outside at our fire pit. He was super cool about it and asked questions and told me there was nothing wrong with it, pretty much anything you could want a coming out to be. I told him about the guy I was seeing and he was cool with it. With that done my guy comes up for our date I had planned and it went really awesome; nice dinner, walk around the park, and sitting out back drinking wine listening to music and holding hands. We went to bed at like 11 and woke up at 4:30 and made out some more and talked until 7 when I had to get up and get going. Again it was awesome.

Then it turned to shit. We talked like normal all week and I planned a date for us this last Saturday, he had to work but when he got off he was going to come down and we were going to get sushi and a couple beers and come hang out at my house again. Then Friday afternoon I sent a text and got no reply which was ok he was probably busy at work. Then another when he was off and still nothing. Then Saturday a verification text with yet again no reply. So I said fuck it and went to a music festival and got shitty with my friends mostly cause I felt like I got stood up with no reason.

I am still super pissed that I haven't heard from him. He said he dropped his phone in the toilet on Thursday but was texting fine up until Friday. I really want to give him the benefit of the doubt but I know I'm dumb for doing so after 5 days of no contact. I just keep holding out hope that every time my phone vibrates its him with some excuse or apology because honestly I would accept it. He was the first guy I ever dated and I liked him a lot in only a months time.

Sob story over now I need opinions, if anyone is reading this still. I want to text him and just figure out why the fuck he cut me out of his life so quickly and abruptly. I don't want to look overly clingy and desperate I just an answer so I can stop thinking about what I did wrong. And of course a part of me still holds out that he lost my number while getting a new phone so my text will bring everything back, give me a few minutes of acting like a 15 year old love sick teenager please, pathetic I know. Question what do I say to him? This is my first semi-relationship and my first real dumping?

Thanks again,
and sorry for the lack of hot man pics

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Anyone there? I hope so because this song needs listened to.

It's been awhile to say the least. This post is going to be kind of short and yet still manage to go 20 different ways.

 -Everything is pretty mediocre on my end. Still single, still too afraid to talk with dudes.

-I have gotten over the whining (which is what I felt was all I was doing here) and accepted that nothing is going to change until I grow a pair and takes steps. Once I do that and shit is still sucky then I will complain because I did what I could.

-I'm late to the party with this one but DOMA and PROP 8 are dead!!!!!!! Super pumped about that, I sat at work on SCOTUSblog on my phone waiting for the ruling. I have kind of decided to give -Nebraska a couple years to let me get married and if it looks to distant of a law then I would move eventually, probably to the north east.

-Random story that made me super happy but I was watching Catfish last night on MTV with my brother and it was about 1 dude getting catfished by some other asshole dude. Based on past comments I was expecting him to constantly drop the F-bomb and make fun of them but he didn't. Not once. Maybe he's growing up, or has developed gaydar and doesn't want to offend me.

-I have to go take a nap now, I worked early this morning and have to back tonight so I can have off the 4th. I hate my job.

-Here is an awesome song:

Finally have a safe and fun 4th. This country was founded on the principles of freedom, happiness and equality and I think this year it means a little bit more with the SCOTUS rulings last week, to me at least.


Tuesday, February 12, 2013


Hey everyone(which is only a few I know),
As stated last to e I want to get back to this blog again so I'm here to hold up to that.
I joined the gym a few weeks ago...so what right? I have not ever belonged to a gym so signing up was a big step to getting more in shape for me. I have also never been naked/showered in front of people before. I can count on one hand people, besides family, that have seen me with no shirt on. So I wasnervous about this whole thing. I did take gym class when I was a freshman but it was a quick change in the corner while everyone else showered. I'm sure I smelled wonderful the rest of the day at school.  Anyway for the first week or so I just went to the gym, worked out, and left. I didn't like being all sweaty in my car and getting my jacket all sweaty so I said fuck it and decided to shower at the gym.
   Only problem is my bodies natural reaction to knowing that I'm showering next to a hot dude---erection.  Haha. It's like I'm catching up on some puberty things I missed by skipping showers in school. It's not that I'm necessarily attracted to the guy in the stall next to me, I can't see him, it's just the excitement of being that close to a naked guy. Today was my second boner-free shower...haha. I was having to finish my showers in cold water and picturing vaginas(:/ ewww). But I think I finally got flaccid showers figured out. lol.

Now in reference to my title. You all remember this. Well I had to get a new phone since that hookup thing happened and apparently my blocks didn't transfer on Grindr. So guy messages me and we talk for a couple days. Then we start texting and he seems a little off but not so much I can't keep talking and see where it goes. He seems really needy when he drinks and is always crazy insistent that i go spend the night with him even after we have talked about seeming to hit it off and wanting to go out on a date or 2 before it gets physical. However I am too big of a wuss to pull the trigger and meet up with him so we talk allot. He tells me about his work and school which are not the same as original shitty hookup, the pic is also much more attractive.
Then I get messages from a different profile on Grindr that has a similar picture but its hard to say for sure if they are the same. They never message me on the same day and some conversations switched from profile to profile so I figured they were the same guy.  Then the other day I log on and see that one of the pics has changed to original shitty hookup and I instantly get pissed and block/delete both profiles.
Not that me and original shitty hookup talked allot that night but from what he told me then vs. now it was all lies one of the times. The schools were different as was the amount of time he lived in the city. I see no point in conversing with a liar. I had also told him this time around about the shitty head I had received this summer which is kind of funny now. Lol. It was nothing like the show Catfish, I don't know how those people date for years with no physical contact or actual seeing of a person.

That's all of the time of yours I will waste. Thanks and I hope those of you with boyfriends have a good Valentines Day.....as for the rest of us we will have a lonely beer.
Haha. Later

Thursday, January 31, 2013

Sorry :(

Hello life.
 I'm drunk. ish right now. I would like to apologize for taking an insane break and not writing. I wish I had a cool video blog like socrkid17. He's kind of my hero for doing a video blog....and being so good looking while doing so. :)
What's new with me is nothing. I have come out to no more people since last post. My Loire has had very few changes worth telling. I'm not really friends with Lea and her bf right now. And I'm ok with that. Anyone who can so easily dump thief friends of 5+ years without batting an eye isn't really worth the effort so I'm moving on with trying to make new friends. It's taking some time. I spend a lot of free time on Xbox, ESPN, and at the gym. Did anyone catch the Canada v. USA match the other night? It wasn't too great, we have some work to do to make the World Cup.....
I am currently down 70 lbs since I started keeping track last August. I need to lose 20 more for my vacation to Jamaica this May!! It'll be hard but I'll get there.
I have also been getting to be better friends with my little bro in the last couple months. His GF lives in the same city as me so he visits and we all hang out. He's also pretty toasted right now and I may have to pick him up from her house. Sometimes he acts too much like our dad, which isn't a good thing.
I'm rambling and am sorry. I hope you all are doing well. If I had more to tell I'd update more often. I reallllly want to try to blog more and get shit off my chest so look for a resurgence. Lol.
I guess the one thing new is this guy I met on Grindr. I know I know. Grindr. But he seems pretty legit and cool and wants more than a hookup. The only problem is our schedules and the fact that I'm too big of a bitch to pull the trigger and meet up with him.... Idk why but outgoing is something I've never been....
Anywho glad to be back and I have to wake up in 3 hours.

Monday, August 13, 2012

Anybody there??

It has been an insane amount of time since my last post and I apologize for that. Its not that I'm never on blogger, I usually check it daily, I just haven't found time to write. To start with it seems like nobody blogs anymore, not that I have room to talk, but besides today my feed has sat unchanged in 3 weeks...
Half of this post is going to be from a good place and the other half is going to be angsty emo stuff, so sit back and enjoy the ride.haha

 Firstly I was right. Lea and Jake are a couple. I was over at her place drinking with her and Jake and they were all touchy which I thought was weird since I was in the room and they usually try to hide that stuff. So when I got the chance I asked Lea if they were dating or smashing or what and she said we are dating I thought you knew....I told them I didn't and then called them out a little bit for being sneaky and essentially both become so involved in each other that they forgot my existence. And then we got into an hours long conversation about my being gay. It was mostly between me and Jake with Lea contributing occasionally. It was really awesome to talk about stuff. Jake apologized for any of the shit he might have said that could have been offensive before I told him, and then apologized again lol. They wanted to know who I found attractive at work and what famous guys I though were hot, not Brad Pitt which he couldn't wrap his head around, I'm a Ryan Lochte guy.haha. Then he asked if I was attracted to him ever, I lied a little bit and said no, I just saw him as a friend, didn't want to risk any awkward since things were going so well. I also told Lea about the half-ass attempted hookup with "Morgan" from a couple years ago, she knows him and it pretty well blew her mind. Overall it was pretty great to just hangout out and verbalize my actual thoughts and feelings. When that was all said and done we broke into the pool at Lea's place and swam for a bit, It was a 5am night that was well worth feeling like shit in the morning.

Now lets bring the tone down a bit darker.....kidding, its not that bad. Now that I live on my own I have even less human interaction than before and feel a little bit cut off from the world. I am trying really hard to work up the courage to go down the street to the bar by myself, I don't know why I just feel like it would be weird to go to a bar alone. People do it all the time I understand that but I just haven't been able to bring myself to it. I am thinking about getting a part time job in the bar district here just to meet people and get out of the house, money doesn't hurt either. Also during our talk Jake was talking alot about me just coming out, he obviously can't grasp just how stressful and important a decision that is to make but again verbalizing that stuff and being able to have an actual conversation has me thinking alot about it ever since. See nothing too bad just usual closeted bullshit that I think I am really ready to dump forever.

Did you guys watch the Olympics at all? I have no idea what I am going to do to occupy all my time now that they are over. Although I discovered reddit yesterday and have killed a few hours over there since. haha.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

5 total

This last week my friend Jake (purple belt) came over and we decided to walk around my new neighborhood to see what was within walking distance and how far I was from all the bars.haha. It was pretty cool we walked for probably a couple hours and stopped and got ice cream and stopped in an art gallery which had some pretty sweet nature pictures, if only I had a few grand to buy one. Anyway we were walking back and he just started a question and I knew exactly where it was going. He said either Lea is a really bad liar or I just believe her but I have a question to ask and it might be kind of awkward but are you gay? I just started laughing and simply said yes. It was really easy and it felt extremely freeing to get it out in the open with him. He actually asked questions about it too, which was cool and sort of a way I knew that he was ok with it and didn't just want to know and then never mention it again. Then he started talking about how his parents told have talked to him a few times about it being ok if he is gay and he could tell them...add that to the list.ha.
So he makes the 5th person that I have told and it really is getting easier. I kind of like when people ask me it takes the pressure off and takes away all of the work of starting/segueing into the topic.
Also not sure if I made it clear in my last post about moving but me and Lea "broke up" in roommate terms, were still cool she just wanted to live alone and "grow up" as she put it. I was a little weary about it at first but I think living alone will be good for me after living with a roommate or my parents for pretty much my entire life.
And I am also very excited for the school year to start, I live close to a college campus!
And I finally watched shelter..it was really good.

Sunday, July 15, 2012

The moment we've all been waiting for....

I recently moved from my suburban apartment to an apartment downtown in the city. Its really close to all the happenings here in town and I have always wanted to live in a city. Plus I figured the chance of meeting a guy would be easier in a place where everyone is more progressive, and less redneck. haha. So far I have chatted with a few guys on Grindr but nothing too major.
Until last night. This guys chatted me and asked if I wanted to come over. I usually would have said no, but for some reason I really just wanted to go out on a limb and see what it would be like. He only lived a few blocks away and I stupidly went. I got to his place and he let me in the building. I tried to make some small talk about his apartment and how nice his place was and all he wanted to do was get me into his room. Which was the ultimate reason for my visit, but conversation never killed anyone. We went to his room and started kissing. We ended up just messing around for a bit and sucking some D.lol. That was all we did but it wasn't for a lack of him trying.
One of the weirdest things I have ever seen was when he came he would lift his right hand above his head like he was a bull rider....I just stared at him. I have watched some porn in my life, I mean I am a 24 year old virgin, and I have never seen anything like that.haha

He was really insistent that I fuck him. He asked, I told him no. He asked again and I asked if he had condoms, he said "maybe". We messed around for a few again and then he told me to "do him" (this is a little weird for me to write so excuse any awkward language.haha) I told him no I didn't want to and he told me just to stick it in... I said no again. He got off again. YEEHAW. And then we were laying there and he wanted to cuddle. I told him I would stay for awhile. And just kept moving around and he started to run his finger across my face.
I left.
Went home. Blocked him. Cleaned up. Went to bed regretting my decision to go over. I guess I am glad that I took a step I just wish it would have turned out better. I really wasn't that attracted to him nor did I feel a connection so I found myself disconnected from the situation and staring off during the whole thing.
I know I managed to make this into a random ramble but I wanted to share.
Also I think I received the toothiest blow job ever!! haha.
No more random hookups, dates only for this guy.