It has been an insane amount of time since my last post and I apologize for that. Its not that I'm never on blogger, I usually check it daily, I just haven't found time to write. To start with it seems like nobody blogs anymore, not that I have room to talk, but besides today my feed has sat unchanged in 3 weeks...
Half of this post is going to be from a good place and the other half is going to be angsty emo stuff, so sit back and enjoy the ride.haha
Firstly I was right. Lea and Jake are a couple. I was over at her place drinking with her and Jake and they were all touchy which I thought was weird since I was in the room and they usually try to hide that stuff. So when I got the chance I asked Lea if they were dating or smashing or what and she said we are dating I thought you knew....I told them I didn't and then called them out a little bit for being sneaky and essentially both become so involved in each other that they forgot my existence. And then we got into an hours long conversation about my being gay. It was mostly between me and Jake with Lea contributing occasionally. It was really awesome to talk about stuff. Jake apologized for any of the shit he might have said that could have been offensive before I told him, and then apologized again lol. They wanted to know who I found attractive at work and what famous guys I though were hot, not Brad Pitt which he couldn't wrap his head around, I'm a Ryan Lochte guy.haha. Then he asked if I was attracted to him ever, I lied a little bit and said no, I just saw him as a friend, didn't want to risk any awkward since things were going so well. I also told Lea about the half-ass attempted hookup with "Morgan" from a couple years ago, she knows him and it pretty well blew her mind. Overall it was pretty great to just hangout out and verbalize my actual thoughts and feelings. When that was all said and done we broke into the pool at Lea's place and swam for a bit, It was a 5am night that was well worth feeling like shit in the morning.
Now lets bring the tone down a bit darker.....kidding, its not that bad. Now that I live on my own I have even less human interaction than before and feel a little bit cut off from the world. I am trying really hard to work up the courage to go down the street to the bar by myself, I don't know why I just feel like it would be weird to go to a bar alone. People do it all the time I understand that but I just haven't been able to bring myself to it. I am thinking about getting a part time job in the bar district here just to meet people and get out of the house, money doesn't hurt either. Also during our talk Jake was talking alot about me just coming out, he obviously can't grasp just how stressful and important a decision that is to make but again verbalizing that stuff and being able to have an actual conversation has me thinking alot about it ever since. See nothing too bad just usual closeted bullshit that I think I am really ready to dump forever.
Did you guys watch the Olympics at all? I have no idea what I am going to do to occupy all my time now that they are over. Although I discovered reddit yesterday and have killed a few hours over there since. haha.
Later
This last week my friend Jake (purple belt) came over and we decided to walk around my new neighborhood to see what was within walking distance and how far I was from all the bars.haha. It was pretty cool we walked for probably a couple hours and stopped and got ice cream and stopped in an art gallery which had some pretty sweet nature pictures, if only I had a few grand to buy one. Anyway we were walking back and he just started a question and I knew exactly where it was going. He said either Lea is a really bad liar or I just believe her but I have a question to ask and it might be kind of awkward but are you gay? I just started laughing and simply said yes. It was really easy and it felt extremely freeing to get it out in the open with him. He actually asked questions about it too, which was cool and sort of a way I knew that he was ok with it and didn't just want to know and then never mention it again. Then he started talking about how his parents told have talked to him a few times about it being ok if he is gay and he could tell them...add that to the list.ha.
So he makes the 5th person that I have told and it really is getting easier. I kind of like when people ask me it takes the pressure off and takes away all of the work of starting/segueing into the topic.
Also not sure if I made it clear in my last post about moving but me and Lea "broke up" in roommate terms, were still cool she just wanted to live alone and "grow up" as she put it. I was a little weary about it at first but I think living alone will be good for me after living with a roommate or my parents for pretty much my entire life.
And I am also very excited for the school year to start, I live close to a college campus!
And I finally watched shelter..it was really good.
later
I recently moved from my suburban apartment to an apartment downtown in the city. Its really close to all the happenings here in town and I have always wanted to live in a city. Plus I figured the chance of meeting a guy would be easier in a place where everyone is more progressive, and less redneck. haha. So far I have chatted with a few guys on Grindr but nothing too major.
Until last night. This guys chatted me and asked if I wanted to come over. I usually would have said no, but for some reason I really just wanted to go out on a limb and see what it would be like. He only lived a few blocks away and I stupidly went. I got to his place and he let me in the building. I tried to make some small talk about his apartment and how nice his place was and all he wanted to do was get me into his room. Which was the ultimate reason for my visit, but conversation never killed anyone. We went to his room and started kissing. We ended up just messing around for a bit and sucking some D.lol. That was all we did but it wasn't for a lack of him trying.
One of the weirdest things I have ever seen was when he came he would lift his right hand above his head like he was a bull rider....I just stared at him. I have watched some porn in my life, I mean I am a 24 year old virgin, and I have never seen anything like that.haha
He was really insistent that I fuck him. He asked, I told him no. He asked again and I asked if he had condoms, he said "maybe". We messed around for a few again and then he told me to "do him" (this is a little weird for me to write so excuse any awkward language.haha) I told him no I didn't want to and he told me just to stick it in... I said no again. He got off again. YEEHAW. And then we were laying there and he wanted to cuddle. I told him I would stay for awhile. And just kept moving around and he started to run his finger across my face.
I left.
Went home. Blocked him. Cleaned up. Went to bed regretting my decision to go over. I guess I am glad that I took a step I just wish it would have turned out better. I really wasn't that attracted to him nor did I feel a connection so I found myself disconnected from the situation and staring off during the whole thing.
I know I managed to make this into a random ramble but I wanted to share.
Also I think I received the toothiest blow job ever!! haha.
No more random hookups, dates only for this guy.
At this point in time I should be doing my homework... but this seems much funner. I started a couple online summer classes a few weeks ago so I cold get in some credits and still work full time.. I have got to have the worst timing ever. We are doing our annual inventory at work and I have to fill in where needed when people call in so I am in the middle of a 17 day in a row stretch at work, I'll have had 4 days off this month. I have spent so much time at work I already fell behind in one of my classes. Not how I saw things starting off but I'm sure Ill be back on top of it soon.
I have also become increasingly more active in the last couple months. I did Warrior Dash a couple weeks ago and did relatively well. Placed in the top 1/3 out of almost 10,000 people, which I was happy with seeing as I had never run in any type of race. This past week through work I was in charge of putting together a group of us to do a couple legs of the "torch run" for the state games here. Kind of like the Olympic torch carry but with much less importance. haha. I ran a total of about 6 miles in 2 days, which is a lot for me. I don't know if I'd go so far as it was fun but I always love the sense of accomplishment I get after running a distance. I haven't played tennis or lifted in a couple weeks but am supposed to start with Jake again soon (more on that in a minute). I also got a soccer ball for my birthday a couple of weeks ago and am taking applications for a coach since I haven't played in a few(15) years. haha. It will take a pro
To go with that since August when I started my challenge to lose weight and get in shape I have lost 55lbs. I am pretty happy with the results thus far but I have kind of hit a plateau and really want to lose another 20lbs. When I look at pictures of how I used to look versus now its kind of disgusting.
On to the Jake issue. Since I wrote about him last we very rarely hang out and conversations are almost a little awkward. But not because I made a move on him or went to far, if that happened I would be ok with it.haha. Its actually because him and my roommate Lea have a thing now. Which I am 100% ok with but they have pretty much lied to me about the whole thing and snuck around my back. I know I sound like a bitchy cheerleader so let me explain. Jake would come over to my place to hangout and one night I went to bed because I had to work the next morning, and he stayed and watched TV with Lea. Soon he would text me to hangout and come over and then come over late and stay and hangout after I went to bed. So I felt like he was just using me just to get to hang out with her. After then I went on vacation came back and we lifted once and it was slightly awkward-much less muscle touching- and they both acted a little weird. Now he's at my place all the time with her and they go on walks and go driving around for a couple hours. Essentially they same things we used to do but with sex.haha. They are always playing footsie and wrestling and one night they passed out on the floor cuddling and then as soon as I went to my room they got up and went to hers. All those clues would lead me to believe they are hooking up, I think its pretty solid evidence. But the thing is neither one of them have came out and said anything to me and they both act really guilty and weird after he stays the night....So while I know I should jealous, I hate being lied to more than anything.
Whining complete. On a positive note I put in my 2 week notice at the bar. While I will miss the money I won't miss the people and their narrow-minded views I had to sit and listen to for hours at a time.
here are some summer pics
This is a time that I am going to ask that everyone leave a comment. I only have 29 followers and probably a few non-followers who stop in and read. 5 people know that I like dudes. Lea, U, his fiancee, B, and the girl from the bar. B, U, and fiancee all live in other towns, none of which are close. Lea is not a person I have come to put much stock in when it comes to gay things and girl from bar I don't really talk to. So my question out of all of this is: Do I go out alone to meet guys??
I know I sound like a friendless introvert but I don't see the point in going out with people who don't know and trying to catch a dudes eye while avoiding the attention of the people I'm actually with.
I really want to go to downtown even if its alone just to be in the area of town where everyone goes out. But at the same time I don't want to be "that guy" who goes to the bar alone and sits there alone just drinking the night away. alone.
Yes the simple solution is to just tell all my friends and family I'm gay and live life....but shit isn't that easy and "happily ever after".
Let me know please! If I get enough responses soon maybe I'll try and savage the night.haha.
A couple off subject things. What happened to RJ? Maybe his life is just going so well he didn't to to vent, if so thats awesome.
#2. I cannot fucking wait for the College World Series in a few weeks. I have gone every year for the last 7 years and it is one of the funnest things ever. I highly recommend coming if your team makes the tourney, or if your just bored. There are also a lot of hot college dudes there to see their schools play, and it gets hot, and they get shirtless, and painted.haha
Once again I have fallen for a straight kid. I know, I know I shouldn't but I can't help it. Essentially all I need is a straight guy who likes penis. This kid, Jake, works with me and he recently started hanging out with our small group of now disbanded friends. We were talking about working out and he said he needed to start running, which I already do, and I needed to start lifting, which he already does. So we started working out together. Than we would just hang out a lot and we ended up spending a lot of time together. Now I am sure it is just me deep down desire to have a boyfriend that is reading into stuff too much, but this time I thought this kid was legitimately gay. I will now present the evidence for you all to come to a verdict. Exhibit A: He wears a purple belt and on some days purple shoes to match....
Exhibit B: While working out he will come over and have me feel his muscles...
Exhibit C: One day we went out to eat and then went to a park and walked around the lake stopping and talking and taking pictures, for a few hours. It would be the perfect date in the future.
(there might have been a little
less-no touching but you get the idea)
Those are the big ones that stick out in my head. He also has an exact count on not only the number of girls he's had sex with, but a narrowed down number on the actual number of occurrences, and he says he regrets each one.
I think in the past 3 weeks we have not, not hung out outside of work 2 days. Also one day he grabbed my phone to look something up and he opened up the Safari browser and towleroad was up. He said "why are you looking at this page" I asked "what page?" and he said "just kidding I wanted to see what you would say" and that was it.
He also jumped on my xbox to get on my netflix, where Brokeback Mountain is in my queue right on the front page. I don't think he is clueless I'm sure he just has no idea how to approach it. I want to tell him I'm gay anyway just because he has become such a good friend. And I also want to tell him that what I really want to do when I see him is grab his face and make out for 6 hours at a time....babysteps. Haha. I tried to really hard not to fall for him but come on, he's really fucking cute and...well he wears a purple belt.haha.
I guess thats it for now, just needed to get my thoughts out.
Anyone get to catch the solar eclipse last night?? I was doing P90x, which still kills right now.lol.
later
I know I am probably not going to find many opponents to my views on marriage equality reading my blog but its still something I want to talk about. Obviously 2 days ago North Carolina passed Amendment 1 which solidified the law in place to ban same sex marriage and not recognizing partnerships or unions of any kind from anywhere. That fucking sucks. It doesn't affect me here in Nebraska but for those who live in NC it blows. Than 1 day later Obama comes out for equality, which isn't some big political action, its just where he stands and I think where the Democratic party is going this year.
This statement will probably be interpreted in a couple ways but who cares. I think that there is always going to be problems with the fiscal side of the government. There is never going to be a time when the country unanimously looks at the budget and the deficit and says "hey, this looks good great job everybody"(sorry Paul Ryan fans). Thats just not how the system works, there will always be alienated and pissed of people trying to get what they want. Of course jobs and the economy are important, is the recovery slower than anyone would like to see, yes, but is it recovering, yes. It has always taken longer to build something up than it has to tear it down.
With that being said when I look at politics social issues are more important to me, barring some outrages shit on the fiscal side. Think of it like this, If I was told that I had 1 year to live would I want to spend it being as happy as possible trying to fix something that will arguably always be flawed and will somehow always continue to chug along anyways??? I am sorry if this makes no sense at all.
So in November I will be voting the same way I did 4 years ago, for Barack Obama. Not just because of his stance on gay marriage but I also agree with many of his foreign and fiscal policy stances. My vote will essentially not count based on where I live, which sucks because If I lived 10 miles further North than I would live in the district the Obama won 4 years ago when he split the state..
I just registered for classes for this summer, one of them being current social problems, I think I should do fine. Haha. That and all the news coverage had me thinking about all this.
__________________________________________________________________I also like to read the blog towleroad, if you don't you should, I feel somehow more connected to the gay world.. There was a video on there I watched this morning that was sad as fuck but it is an important reminder of why we need marriage rights.
Hey guys it has been waaaaay to long since I have blogged a post. If I had actually posted every time I thought about actually doing it I would have spent a lot of time on my computer. I have no idea how to write this post so that it has some sort of readable format so here goes my usual ramble.
***This post is lengthy***
For a while since my last post I was thinking that there was nothing going on in my life worth putting out there, and I was actually troubled because that meant I have let myself get into a comfortable routine and if I stay in that comfortable rut then I am not going progress in my coming out at all. I have reached the point in time where the absence of another gay person in my life is irritating. I have a few friends who I know I can talk to but at the same time there is no way that they can 100% relate 100% of the time. So with that thought in mind I started talking to this guy online with the understanding that it was for friendship only and nothing sexual would ever develop. It was all good for the first few days and then through some freakish coincidental circumstances it turns out we have a few Facebook friends in common and a picture was posted online of him on a friends page. I wasn't really concerned with what he looked like, as friendship was my only goal going in, but what I saw online was not at all how he described himself. I was looking for other masculine normal dudes and he presented himself as such in his emails, in his picture he looked anything but (the shaped eyebrows were a slight indicator). That lie along with the fact that he started to ask for pictures a lot were enough for me to give up on him. So now I need to figure out a time to head downtown and meet some people in person.
A couple weeks ago 2 co-workers were talking and looking at me and called me over, I knew on my way over that my sexuality was going to come up, its a 6th sense. haha. Anyway I get over there and am almost immediately asked "guys or girls?". Fuuuuuck. As I stated in a previous post I don't want to lie anymore when asked the question, but at the same time I really didn't want to come out to these two. I did everything I could to avoid answering the question and joke about it with them, but they didn't relent and I lied.... I walked off pissed off at myself but at the same time at them for feeling the need to talk about me at all.
About a week ago I was trying to call one of my friends to let her know I was on my way over to pic her up so we could go hang out and I accidentally called one of the girls who works at the bar. I apologized for calling the wrong person and she laughed and said yeah right you really just wanted to talk to me deep down thats why you misdialed. I laughed and made small talk about the bar and work and that was it. Later that night she called me back and I swear to you she pulled the 8th grader wait til he answers and hang up cause I am too nervous. Damnit. Let me tell you about this girl. She is very, very attractive (for a girl.ha) and very a very confident person. She is also 36 or so and has a son who is 19 and in college... Anyway she called and it went like this:
me-hello
her-hi
me-whats up
her-...(silence)
...
...
...what are you doing?
me-watching tv
her-...
...
...
...
...
CLICK
I tried to brush it off and hoped she was just drunk and redialed me accidentally. A few days later I was bartending and she walked in and knew it wasn't going to be good. Her and her friend kept throwing one liners and pick up lines at me and I tried to comically deflect them, i.e: "Your tall, dark, and handsome" "I'm not that tall".haha I don't get hit on ever so I was just trying to roll with it. Then it happened. The girl I work with pulled me into the back room and tried to do so by holding my hand, which I twisted out of. I got a 6th sense flash and got nervous. She said she had a question to ask me but she didn't want me to get mad. I told her I wouldn't and she said she wanted to ask me, then she didn't, did, didn't. I told her I don't get mad and she just needed to ask me. She said that she thought I was "really adorable" and she didn't want to make a fool of herself by flirting with me followed by an "are you gay?" I stared back at her for a minute and a million things ran through my mind. Lie, tell the truth, who will she tell, can you trust her, you really don't know her, you'll probably lose your job if the people here find out, it was a million thoughts in 2 seconds, I stared at her in the eyes and said "yes, but don't tell anyone".
I just wanted to be honest for once so I did. We talked for a minute and she said again that she liked my but didn't want to make a fool of herself by being turned down and said "to each his own" and that she wouldn't tell anyone. Then she went back out to the bar and I went into the kitchen and was shaking like crazy and needed a minute to breath and relax. All I thought about til close was that conversation and tried to bring myself to be ok with it, and I am. Its got to be better than turing down a chick that looks like model in front of everyone weekly.
I have wanted to tell someone that for about a week, so let me know what you think I like feedback.
On a much, much sadder note, U is engaged :( haha. I'm really happy for him and his fiancee but of course my heart is broken and I have to come to terms with that fact that he might actually be straight. haha, oh well.
I also get to play volleyball again this summer. Volleyball is one of my favorite things to do in the summer. I am competitive and so is most of my team so winning is always enjoyable.
Here is one of my favorite bands to go running to. The music has a slight anger factor and is good to get the mood up and juices flowing. This song has actually been on the radio lately too.
I put no faith in Grindr. It sounds like it works really well for those guys who want a hook-up, which is its intended purpose. I for some reason held out hope of meeting a guy to become friends with and a relationship possible later, foolish I know, but I can have dreams right??haha. Anyway I log on once a day to see if there is anyone new close by, usually isn't. Last Thursday I got a message from this kid around 7:30am, but I didn't get it until around 1pm on my lunch. I was in a hurry and then after work my friend B came up to stay the weekend so I didn't get around to responding until about 10pm. I made a joke about it taking so long for me to respond. His picture was of himself sitting with his arm and head resting on his knees looking down. I usually don't resound to people with out face pics, not to mention his stats said that he was 7'11 and 438lbs. I figured he left the settings at default, and if not I would like to see a 7'1 438lb person.
We chatted for a about an hour and I fell asleep talking to him. Next day we talked a little through out the day and again later at night for a while and I fell asleep talking to him again. I found out that he was closeted and english was not his primary language. I told him I was closeted too, but I have a pic on Grindr because if anyone I knew was on Grindr than I wouldn't be the only one of my friends in the closet. He said ok and sent me a face pic. He was a good looking kid and I told him so. Saturday morning he said something to the effect of me not knowing he was good looking because girls call him ugly. I told him that I saw his face pic and he was definitely not ugly.
The natural response to being told you are better looking than you give yourself credit it to block the person giving you the compliment....must have been the language barrier.
Next
Have you guys heard of warrior dash?? I am doing one in early June and I am not ready at all. First of all I still have some progress to make on my getting in shape goal. My goal is to be down to 200lbs by June. I am currently at 220, so its doable I just need to increase my exercise time by about 100%.haha. Especially if I am supposed to be running a race of sorts in a couple months. I am worried that I won't be able to finish the race as I currently don't run very much at all. Have any of you guys run a warrior dash?? Or anything similar??
I guess thats all for tonight,I hope to post again within the next few days. Have a good one.
For all practical reasons I am in what I call a functioning relationship. When it comes to me and my roommate Lea its as if we are a couple. We hang out together, we have the same friends, we work together (at both jobs), we know each others parents, we usually are just together. When we do something with friends that are couples it is expected that we will show up together, just the 2 of us, no other possible date. We were both in the wedding I blogged about recently, I as an usher and her has a bridesmaid. We received one invitation to our apartment, addressed to the both of us, no plus ones.This normally isn't an issue, I actually find comfort in not worrying about having to show up somewhere alone, as Lea is my expected "date". If you subtract the lack of "gay support" I have received from her I have mostly gotten along with Lea and been tolerant of her.Recently she has started a new job of sorts and thinks that she is better than everyone who is not on the same course as her. She has this "dream" (in her words) that she will be retired by the time she is 25. She has already put in her notice at the bar and plans on quitting her full time job within the next 2 years. Im glad she has a dream but I think there is a difference between her "dream" and a goal. She has become extremely arrogant recently and practically turns her nose up to me when I am not 100% behind her on every decision and move she makes. Anyway the other day, Monday to be exact, I was at work getting ready to hold a meeting and she called me and asked why I wasn't at work, I told her I was and that I was getting ready for the meeting, she got pissed that I didn't fold when she was questioning me and got off the phone and let me talk to my boss. Later she asked my I was being an asshole to her and nice to my boss, and I told her that I wasn't trying to be and was pissed that she tried to call me out and make me look bad in front of my boss, and that my boss writes my evaluation and gives me a raise so I was gonna be a little nicer to him. Thats when she made a comment about me not being as good as her for not having a plan to be retired in 2 years and being less than her. I was pissed and retorted with something to the effect of having a realistic goal in life. Since then we have talked once over the phone. And I am honestly ok with that. I don't really need that in my life and the really awkward part is that I live with her until my lease is up in 5 months...should be fun.haha
On another random note. One of the people who works for me died yesterday. I am normally not an emotional person, as I have stated before I honestly only cry when drunk and coming out. I can count on 1 hand the times I have cried in the last 4 or 5 years. But for some reason I can't shake this. I wasn't close to the guy but I still saw him 4 or 5 days a week and talked to him at work. And what really sucks is having to watch other people cope with everything. He was from another country and had no immediate family here so there won't even be a funeral in the states, which I had viewed as some sort of closure, so now I am unsure of how to feel. I really feel responsible. He was in a car wreck on his way home from work..... And I make his schedule. And I don't know, it just really fucking sucks. It wasn't even his fault, someone ran a stop sign and he swerved to not hit them and ended up hitting someone else head on. Died on the scene, meanwhile the car that ran the stop sign fled and hasn't been found. ASSHOLE.
I suck in situations where sadness is the expected emotional response. But because I feel so connected to it this time my emotions are all over the place. My natural reaction to everything is laughter, whether it be nervous and awkward in this situation, but then the next minute I want to cry and find myself holding back tears.
I don't know what to do so I am off to have a few beers and hang out with a friend from work. Have a good rest of the weekend.
Whats up everyone? hope your all out having fun since it is Friday. I myself am at home reading and I decided to type up my coming out letter to my mom. It is kind of a random jumble of things I have always wanted to say and I gave it a mediocre format and am calling it a letter. Let me know what you guys think, I want to make sure I get it right. And I know this is something personal but I want to make sure I get it right and if I can get direct coming out assistance from you guys via my blog then I will be more than happy I ever started writing this. So here it is:
------------------------------------------------------------------
Mom,
I want to start out by saying that I love you and hope that you love me, which I think you do. I really wish I had what it takes to tell you this to your face but I don’t so here it goes. I am gay.
I really hope you are ok with it and still love me. That is the only reason I haven’t come out and said it is because I am scared. Scared that people will no longer want to be my friends of family. Scared that you would stop loving me if you knew. Its not something that I chose and if I could I would choose to be normal and have a wife and kids, but I can’t and I don’t want to lie anymore.
I don’t like that I have to lie or just be quiet when you bring up a girlfriend or marriage. Number 1 I don’t want to lie to people and number 2 it really sucks having to hold back what I really want to say or talk about.
I have been “different” for a really long time. I just didn’t know that meant I was gay until probably junior high and even then I tried to make it go away. About a year ago I just kind of accepted it though. This probably isn’t 100% news to you, who else is 23 and never had a girlfriend?? For the record I have never been in a relationship, of any kind. I have always felt that I couldn’t date anyone without you knowing who I was. And I still do want to meet someone and get married and have kids.
Lea, U, and B are the only people who I have told so far, and now you. I would really like if I could just be myself around all of my friends, coworkers and family. I don’t know how they would take it but it has to better than living a lie.
I don’t know how or when I will ever tell dad. When I get there I guess I will cross that bridge. And I honestly don’t think he will take it as well as I am hoping that you are as you read.
I am really scared and shaky as I type this. If I had the courage to tell you this in person I would be crying like a baby right now. I just really need you to accept me and be there for me because support is something I don’t have. Please let me know that you got this email so I am not waiting around nervously for days anticipating what will happen.
If you don’t think that you can still look at me and love me the same please let me know. I don’t want to come back home for a visit where I am not wanted.
Any input would be appreciated. I already decided I will need to send this on a night on which I do not work the next day so I can drink myself to sleep, because I don't think I will be able to do it naturally. haha.I did really good in keeping my emotions in check as I wrote this, until I got to the last 2 lines and then I almost lost it. I swear the only time I cry is when it relates to coming out. Otherwise I go years without doing so...
Skip politics for now I want to talk about something else that I think about pretty often. Religion.
There has never been a time in my life that religion has played an important role. When I was little there was only 1 time I can remember going to church before we moved to Nebraska when I was 10. My mom took me and my brothers to a church that I had only seen in the movies. We went in and it started slow and church like, then everyone stood up and sang and clapped and danced around a little bit...it wasn't for my family. We didn't go to church again until we moved and then we only went because of family that also went and wanted up to go. I remember going to sunday school sitting there uninterested and feeling out of place. Its not like my parents were bad immoral people but with 3 kids the raise they both worked full time and church and religion were the last things on their minds.
I have known since I was about 14 that I found God very hard to believe in. I remember once in 10th grade we were discussing evolution and I was asked in biology if I believed in evolution or creation, I responded that I believed in a combination of both,like God created a caveman like person who evolved into what we currently are today.
I am the type of person who needs to see something to put weight into it. I can not say with 100% certainty that God does not exist, just the same that no one can say with 100% certainty that he does. My problem with God is that I am expected to believe in something that has never been seen/photographed/proven to exist. When something bad happens the response is "it was Gods plan", or "God took him" when someone dies. And when something good happens it is "thank God" "this is all because of Jesus". It has nothing to do with all the practice and work some puts into something it has to do with what they do on Sunday mornings. If I accomplish something its because I did what I needed to do to get it done. If I fuck up and something bad happens or falls through then I know I need to try harder next time.
Now the trouble with religion is the way that "christian" or "holy" people is the way that they act. There are ideals and values that they claim to live by and uphold yet some of them are the most hateful disgusting people to walk the planet.
***I am not denouncing anyone for what they believe, nor am I naive enough to think that every single religious person acts like this*** When I see stuff on tv or in the newspaper it really pisses me off and just turns me off to it more and more.
Please don't confuse my atheism with immorality. I consider myself a very moral person. I don't need any group or book to tell me what is right or wrong, I know is good and what is bad. And yes most of these are are social mores that are derived from the bible or religious teachings but I am not arguing that there aren't positives in religion. And of course the way that homosexuality is treated might have a little something to do with this. But anyway this is post I have thought about writing for a while and now it turned into a semi-rant and I contemplated deleting it but I just want to throw it out there so I can write other stuff.
Segue.
I had a wedding on Saturday that I was an usher in. This was the bachelor party that I went to last weekend and don't remember. It went really well and was a lot of fun. My tux ended up being a little bit big since I was fitted in November which was about 25lbs ago. It wasn't crazy big so it was ok. I also got drunk enough that I was dancing :\ which is something I never do. I have no problem slow dancing with a girl but I always take a seat during the fast songs cause I am white and have no rhythm. The best part was that I remember the entire wedding and reception.
Here is my new drinking theme song:
I guess thats it for now, for the few of you who read this far in, thanks.ha. I plan on my next post being a draft of the email I will send to my mom to come out in cowardice because I can't to it face to face. And I'm tired of getting all emo when she talks to me on the phone and her constantly asking if everything is ok...........
Hey everybody its been a while, as usual I guess. This last weekend I went to a bachelor party for a friend whose wedding I am in this weekend. First of all I only really know the groom and have only met most of the rest of the wedding party a few times. One of their favorite words to give each other shit is "faggot", which I have pretty much become desensitized to because it is never used in the context that would honestly piss me off. They are all really awesome guys, all but 2 of the other 7 guys there are in the air force together so they have that bond that I wish I had with a group of friends and they are accepting of people into their group. That being said my only fear was getting too drunk and making an ass of myself.
One of my New Years resolutions was to cut way back on my drinking and only drink on the weekends if I was going out. I have done that successfully. Less alcohol=lower tolerance. Since New Years I haven't really gone all out and partied and had fun. I knew I would black out if I drank too much so my plan was to pace myself and stay away from hard liquor. I did really good until about 11 when we got into the limo to go from one bar to the strip club.......
This is where I pretty much remember about 10 minutes of spotty memories. blackout.I remember walking in and paying my $20. blackout. Going in with a couple of the other guys and paying for a dance for the groom. blackout. I remember using the bathroom and the attendant giving me a paper towel. blackout. Talking to a guy I just met that night about the stripper in front of us. blackout. Texting B and U about how much I hated vagina.lol. blackout. Putting a dollar on stage and having to standup to "motorboat" a stripper. Yes for the first time in my 23.5 years of existence I touched breasts, it might have been with my face but none the less there was contact.haha. If memory serves ? it was pretty unexciting, but a milestone regardless. blackout. Its 9am, I am in the hotel bed and I have to use the bathroom. Use the bathroom and then go back to bed. I only got to sleep for about another hour before we got up to clean up a little bit and check out to go home.
During my drive home I have plenty of time to freak out because I blacked out. I started to lose black out at 11pm. We had our limo (which was a pretty badass Ford Excursion SUV) until 2:30am. Thats at least 3.5 hours of emptiness, not to mention drive time back to the hotel and the pizza boxes that were in the room in the a.m when I woke up. I drove home and was up for about an hour and then went back to sleep til 4pm, so I don't think I got much sleep that night. If I were a normal straight midwestern guy I wouldn't give a shit about my blackout due to being in a controlled environment not having to worry about driving and the such. But for some reason drunk me feels like coming out all the time, however I am usually sober enough to restrain.....
I freaked out about this for a few days, and then I realized I am done caring. If I told someone and still haven't had an angry mob with pitch forks and torches outside my balcony then who the fuck cares right????
Some of my drunk text conversations with B and U:
me-Vaginas gross me out.--to U
me-tits. touched my face.--to U
me-I don't want tits in my face.--to B
me the next morning- sorry for the drunk texts lol.---to B and U.
They were both responding and being awesome. Until it came time for them to go to bed, and for me to be in bed long before.
Thats all for now, kind of long post anyway. Next time I hope to post about politics :) which I love. peace out
Or so I was informed recently at my bar. This guy was talking about how good of a lay he was to the only other person in the bar, who was a lady. He was upset that he got dumped and spent a few hours getting wasted and talking himself up to feel better about himself. Anyway he said he was a good lay and the lady said she hadn't heard that and jokingly asked if I knew that he was good. I just laughed and said don't involve me in this and then the guy said that he wasn't gay like he thought I was. Then the lady (who is a regular at the bar) said "Chris isn't gay!!!" And the guy said he was joking. But I was just glad that other people have me figured out.........
I guess at least all the work I have put into being "straight" has paid off. I would be pissed if people looked at me and said oh he's gay after all the shit I go through to try and assimilate with the masses. I guess it will make all the funner if I ever come out to the people around here, not that I think I will because I see no benefit, everyone is narrow minded and none of them know any gay dudes so I see no gain for myself....
I have been thinking a lot lately about relationships and how I get along with people. I have been told numerous times from a lot of friends that I am one of the easiest people to get along with. And I really try to get along with everyone and am usually the one who does what I can to keep people happy. My issue is that I don't know for sure how I would handle a relationship with a guy. After I have been friends with someone for a while I usually get tired of them or stuff that they do all time starts to annoy me. The only friends I really still consider friends and still like are all people that I do not see on a regular basis. I usually want to punch my roommate Lea in the face, I have known her for 5 years and considered her my best friend for most of that time, but now the only reason I talk to her is because I live and work with her. I usually only hang out with her because its comfortable, if that makes sense. I now consider my best friend to be U who I have seen for 5 minutes since the first week of December.
I guess my first issue is that I don't know how to talk to a guy just to see where it goes. I have always kind of avoided relationships because I was never really attracted to girls and grew up in a town of 1000 people. I have talked to a few guys on Grindr but I never know where to take it so the conversation dies pretty quickly.
I guess the moral of the story is that I don't know if I can handle a long term relationship, which I really want but I can't seem to stand people that long. I don't want to tolerate someone I want to want to be around them and be happy when I am....Maybe I just don't know that right people? And I am definetly not a hook up kind of guy so thats not an option.lol
I am off of work today, first day not having to work since the 8th of this month so I am going to catch up on some posting. Thanks for reading and thanks for commenting if you want..
Who here has a facebook?? Better question who the hell doesn't? I wanted to talk about some slightly weird/creepy things that I have the pleasure of being involved in on facebook. In the past I have talked about a lady from work trying to set me up with her daughter. Well through bad luck her daughter now works at the same place as us. She talks to me pretty often and tries to get flirty with me and expects the same back, I can tell by the look on her face when I don't play into it. Anyway I want to share her facebook status from a couple weeks ago: A***** M**** all my exes are failures at life.. cough cough no names for the main one but your different and no wonder why your not my ex. im glad to call you my boyfriend (:
When I saw this I didn't think much of it, I guess I was glad that she found a guy to date and would maybe leave me alone a little. Couldn't have been more wrong. At work I overheard one of her friends go over to her and ask why she didn't tell her she had a new boyfriend. and A.M said she really didn't and then her mother said that it was about me and A.M told her to shut up cause I was standing close and could hear them...... Apparently when I purposely avoid conversing or really even seeing you that is a hint that we are somehow dating and needs shared on the internet.... Not that I haven't ever read too much into things, as I am sure I am with U, but I don't write about it on the internet.....oh wait.haha.....on a place like facebook where mutual friends and U himself can read it. facebook incident number 2 is less creepy and more of just weird for me. As you remember on NYE I ended up hanging out with 2 gay guys. Well gay guy #2 apparently though I was "cute" enough to facebook about. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, its actually kind of flattering, but given the source I would rather it not happen. I'm sure this guy isn't a bad person or anything, he is just part of the gay community that I try to distance myself from. I don't remember what I told before but I will describe a little bit again. He likes to wear make-up and dress up in girls clothes and dance for guys online. On NYE he was dancing at the house party, alone, like a stripper. My friend told me about his facebook update regarding me so I went to look for him and couldn't find him...because on facebook he doesn't go by his name he goes by a girls name that is close to him......just not things that I like and things that in my opinion give the gay guys as whole a semi-negative image and stereotype that is obviously not all inclusive and hard for people to see around. I am not trying to piss anyone off thats just what I see and my perspective.
K*****........o how i love all of u guys and chris i gess since that was the first time i met him. pluse he was cute. :)
This is part of his status update, it was so long it took him the status and 2 comments to talk about the night..this is pretty much the only thing about me..like I said not bad just unwanted attention.
In other news I have yet to break a resolution! And I am writing this post on my laptop. I have had it for 6 years and It is about to shit out. It has taken me way to long to write this post and just trying to navigate with the mouse is shitty. So from here on out it will probably be all post from my iphone. I need to save up to buy a mac, I hear they are pretty sick, and I have had problems with PCs forever.
Hope you all have a good weekend enjoy and be safe!!!!!
