school or work.....

I haven't been in school for 2 years. I went to community college right out of high school and got a part time job to pay rent and bills. My roommate ended up bailing on me so I had to pay all the rent and shit so I went full time at work and focused on my immediate need for money in the situation rather than on the long term goal of getting a degree and a career. Not to mention that I had no idea what I wanted to do when I graduated HS. I had always wanted to be a doctor and when I graduated I had some scholarships for that so that was my declared major at first but it wasn't for me. Then I wanted to be a teacher but wasn't sure so one semester I just didn't enroll for classes again.
Now I have been at my work for 5 years and my managers approached my about a promotion. I am as high as I can go in the company without becoming a full fledged manager, which is a big commitment. I pretty much hate my job now and would have to take on more bull shit if I went for the promotion. At the same time I am ready to go back to school next semester. I am still not very financially stable but my car is almost paid off so that will be an extra 300 bucks a month I will have.
The question is go for the promotion and the 40 Gs a year to start with in a job I probably won't like at all. Or go back to school step down from my position at work so I have time for class and go into debt for a decade or 2. I tell myself the obvious answer is to go back to school and have a degree in 3 years. And its what I really want to do and always have wanted to. But the thought of the money right now and being financially stable is a little enticing. I really think that I will go back to school but there are repercussions at work if I do that because it will look like I "gave up" when I step down from my job to make time so going back up wouldn't be easy if I wanted to. fuuuuuuck. Too much going back in forth in my mind. I don't even know why its a choice I know what I should do plus I want the experience of meeting people at college....
On a lighter note I think I am going to Mardis Gras in February down in New Orleans so that should be fun and I can't wait to party.

Grindr and unrelated junk

Seems like its been forever since I posted. This is post 20 and I have 1500 page views. Thank you all for making this worth it.
 I have this weird love/hate relationship with Grindr and I guess I want some input. I used to have a droid phone and I downloaded grindr and chatted to a couple guys but nothing ever came of it. I'm not ready for random hookups so I didn't really pursue anything or really put much effort into flirting back. I decided that I didn't want to have a random hookup be my first time so I deleted grindr and stopped checking out craigslist.
When I got my new phone I downloaded it again, then deleted it, download, delete, download, etc. Then when I went to my friends last week I wanted to check out guys in the area I guess so I downloaded it. Since then I have kept it and had a few guys send the usual "sup" and "got a pic". I didn't upload a pic because I don't think I'm exactly attractive, not that I'm completely ugly. But I didn't even put together a profile its just a name so its not like these guys are into my personality. But at the same time I don't know any gay guys so I don't know how to approach the situation. And I probably sound like an idiot lol but these are the things I think about.
I usually look a situation and over analyze it in every possible way. I will think about how one person would react, then what they would say, to who they would say it, and what I would say. Then I would turn and look at the situation from what if the persons reaction were different. Its fucking draining to go through all the scenarios in my head but if I'm not actively involved in a conversation with someone then I am processing a random situation and outcomes. So any advice would be appreciated.
I'm watching the real world right now and the bi dude on there is a fucking idiot. It's a good thing the lesbian chick is there so people don't think all gay/bi people are douches. Some of the roommates on there have apparently never seen 2 dudes kiss before and freaked out about it. I was starting to think most people in their twenties were pretty ok with homosexuality but somehow MTV managed pick 3 of the remaining phobes and stick them on tv.
Thats all for now I guess. And if you emailed me and my lazy ass still hasn't responded I am sorry am going to do it with in the next couple days. later guys

Heres some pics of Kellan Lutz, yes he is from douchey twilight, but look at that body.lol

Even clothed he's hot.

Fuck you Sunday Funday

I think I am going to curb my drinking for a bit. I have become "that guy" who can't stop and ends up blacking out. But it's not like I black out 5 minutes before I pass out for the night. Nope. I still have usually 3 or 4 hours left in me. And it sucks not knowing what an ass I made if myself for a few hours. Not to mention the fact that drunk me wants to come out to any and everyone. Last night I wanted to come out to my bosses stepson. Idk if I did but I hope not. I don't think an openly gay bartender would go over well where I work.
I seriously don't even remember paying my tab going to get food or going home. Also I'm pretty sure I'm still drunk as I sit here at work. Fuck. I hope my boss stays away for a while.
Hope you guys have a better Monday than I am.

Last night

I failed my mission. I was gonna come out before we went out to eat and bar hop. Then I ended picking up another friend so I could be a dd. which just meant best drunk driver. Lol. So we ate and went to the bar and it was on my mind the whole night. I ended up only having a couple shots and a few beers so I wasn't drunk and neither was my friend "B". So I was gonna do it after last call. But we ended up going to her friends and played rock band for a few hours than went back to her place and passed out. Fail.
Then today we woke up and were taking and we started talking about religion and politics an how she is no longer sure about her religion. And I was really nervous cause the conversation was heading to a point where it would make sense to come out. Lol. So I just blurted out "sit downi have something very important to talk to you about". Then I said I was nervous and that the 2 reasons I had come to town was for our friends birthday and to talk to her. I was shaking like I was having a seizure and I just said I'm gay. And she was like ok, it doesn't change anything. I was relieved and there was an awkward second where she didn't know what to say and I was just kind of laughing at her. Then out of left fucking field she said that since we were spilling our guts she has to tell me that she had been questioning wether or not she was bi..... It was a nice surprise, and it made me feel even better. Then she just asked me a few questions like how long I have known and if I have had any relationships and shit. It was really good.
Then I had to make the 3 hour drive home so I could get back in time to bartend tonight.
Overall it was a good trip, there were alot of hot college guys at the bar which I don't get to see around here. But of course they were probably all straight.
Time to work
Peace out

Tonight

I am coming out to a friend from high school. She will be the first person from the small town I grew up in to know. It will give me a gauge of how the farm town people will take it.
I am also gonna do it sober before we go out to the bars. And it's a college town so maybe I will meet someone. Lol.
She is also the closest thing I had to a girlfriend( I talked about her in my unsex life) so that might make it a little weird but who cares.
Shit I'm nervous. Got a 3 hour drive. Later

So this one time I got drunk........

I don't remember much about last night, so I will call it a success. Haha. I wish I didn't black out so easily but at least I know I had a pretty good time. I did something way out of the ordinary and hit on some dude????? Thats how much I drank.
To start with I was at a wedding reception with one of my old friends, we will call her M, she went as my date. It was open bar so I was hitting the keg beer pretty hard. After a while me and M went to the bar and met up with a couple more friends. I kept drinking beer and some random guy bought our table a round of shots. I caved in and had a drag of a cigarette after quitting and not having a smoke in a month. Anyway while everyone else was outside smoking this dude came up to me and started talking about football and than he went back to his table to sit alone. I was drunk and this guy seemed cool so I decided I wanted to see what could happen. I had no idea if he was gay or bi but I had a mission and I was gonna try. He walked by our table again a little later and said something to us so we invited him to come sit with us. The 2 people I was with now have no idea I'm gay so its not like they were helping me or anything. Last call came around and this dude, we will call him Nathan, asked if we wanted to go drink some more at his place. I was obviously up for it but my friends rode together and one of them is married and has a kid so they went home and I followed Nathan to his house. We drank outside and talked about high school stuff cause we went to high schools that played each other in sports and were relatively close. I had invited Lea over and she came over with one of her friends and we all sat around drinking. Than moved into the garage for some reason and thats were I sat on the floor and passed out. Lea decided I had had enough to drink so we were all gonna leave. Lea and her friend were gonna follow me and Nathan back to where I was staying, he drove cause I was obviously worse off than him. So on the drive he needed to adjust my steering wheel so reached over and unlocked it and when I was done I put my and on is knee and drug it up to his thigh before I took it off kept my hand to myself. Than once he had it at the right height I locked it and did the same thing with my hand. He didn't say anything either way but I stopped and we were almost at my friends and then I passed out. I was freaked the fuck out while I was doing it but I wasn't gonna stop.LOL. It was nothing major but Nathan was a pretty decent looking guy and he didn't object or freak out. I doubt I will see him or talk to him again so it doesn't really matter. I'm not the best at meeting people so the fact that I decided to go to some random guys house for whatever reason is different. You probably think this is lame as shit, cause it is but for me it was a small step. It will happen someday. And hopefully I do more that rub some dudes leg.
Did anyone catch the Broncos game today? It was an ass kicking until they took out Orton and put in my boy Tebow. Then we only lost by 2.haha. And my college team won, it was close and a comeback that was apparently awesome but I missed it cause I was at the wedding. Anyway here is a fucking awesome band, this song gets stuck in my head all the time. If you haven't listened to Mumford and Sons give them a listen, I always think about coming out when listening to them

also I am at over 1000 page views, thanks to all of you for reading.

WTF

I think I'm about to lose. Lol

location: middle of nowhere

I am at my parents house for a couple nights cause I have a wedding to go to. I'm not sure how much I have explained the town I grew up in so I'll do it quick. "Ftown" has about 1100 people according to the census but we also have 2 assisted living facilities and a nursing home so I think that the actual contributing population is less than 1000. Everybody knows everything about everyone else. I would say it is your typical small town and in a many ways I actually like the place. Obviously everyone here is pretty close minded and has no problem saying bigoted things, because everyone is basically the same so who can they offend, right? Its not something that gets to me too much, its the way everyone here was raised and its the way they choose to raise their kids. So rather than go on a crusade to change everyones opinions and ways of life, I chose to leave the town and I rarely visit.
When I was in high school I wasn't in the popular crowd of jocks, and I didn't get along with most of them. But I was well liked through out the school and the town. Everyone knew me and knew I was a good kid. I was chosen to be president of the local FFA chapter. (for those of you who have no idea what that is it is an agricultural and leadership organization). I was a town kid and knew very little about ag but I guess I excelled in the leadership aspect and always did the right thing. I also was elected as homecoming court my senior year, which pissed off the popular crowd cause I didn't play football and they didn't think it was fair. Anyway I didn't win, I swear it was rigged cause the principals son did.haha. Anyway Ftown was an alright place to grow up, and I have alot of the "small town values" instilled in me which have helped me alot in life since leaving.
Back to what I wanted to write about, my relationship with my parents.
I have pretty much always had a good relationship with my mom. She was always the more easy going of my parents which I took advantage of growing up and argued with her alot. She has always been there no matter what the issue or situation was and I think she always would be no matter what. I remember once my brother got in trouble with the cops for drinking(happens alot) and my dad said something to the effect of not loving him anymore and my mom was pissed and said that he couldn't love his son with conditions and that her love was unconditional. Which is why I 99% think she will be ok with me coming out, but right now fear keeps me from doing it.

My dad and I have always had a very shitty relationship. For most of my high school years I would have told you that I hated him. I 100% could not stand him and would think to myself why couldn't my mom have married someone else. He had his days of being an alright guy, but it was mostly him being an asshole and he pretty much wanted us to fear him. He had no reasoning for the punishment he would give us and would not listen to anything we had to say. If he wanted something done in a week he would ground us until it was done, for example if it was Monday and he wanted the garage cleaned out on Saturday he would ground us on Monday until we got done on Saturday. He didn't give us the chance to prove ourselves to him he always expected the worst. I'm not writing this for pity or anything, this didn't traumatize me and cause long term affects. I think if I would have wallowed in how I felt about him and our relationship I would have become depressed and that is losing and I won't let him win. Just a couple more stories about him I want to get off my chest. Once during an argument my parents were have my dad came to me and said "do you think me and your mom should divorce?". "Yes" was all I could say. That is hoe much I hated him. So he packed his shit the next night while my mom was at work and before we went to bed he came upstairs to say good bye cause when he left for work the next morning he wasn't coming back. Even though I hated him I still cried at the situation and my little brother was devastated and when it came time to do it my dad couldn't and stayed.  He seemed better for a while but it didn't last. During my senior year we had to record a message about our parents that would be played overhead at a ceremony. I talked about my mom and how she was always there and helped with whatever I needed and when it came to my dad I lied and said thanks for always being there when I needed to talk. I don't even think my dad showed up for that event so it didn't matter. But thats what I felt. Since I graduated and moved out he has gotten easier to get along with, but I only see him once a month so it all works out. I do not think that my dad would accept me if I came out. When my dads side of the family was intown for my brothers graduation they were talking about a relative who had recently died from AIDS and how he deserved it and was going to hell because he was gay. It sucked to sit there and hear that because it was before I accepted who I was and it made me go way to the back of the closet.
Like I said way at the top of this post I have a wedding to go to tomorrow. My dad asked what I thought about all my friends getting to married and moving on and whatnot and all I could say is that they were stupid.lol. I do want to get married but not anytime soon, I should probably date first, and I want to wait until it is legal for me to do it in the state where I live. Than the conversation turned to who my date is-no one. And than whose hows I as staying at, with the undertone of "whats her name?" My grandma also talked about my getting married today.
I have always worried that people think I am gay. But apparently I am an awesome liar. haha not really a good trait to be proud of but its gotten me this far.

Well that is my ramble of random shit loosely related and put together in yet another long post. Hopefully I can catch a little football tomorrow in between all the wedding shit. Hope you all have a decent weekend, and if you have emailed me I plan on responding Sunday. later
something random to look at.lol

I hate my back.

I can usually handle pain pretty well. Not that experienced much of it as I have never needed stitches or gone to the dr for a broken bone. Once I was completely wasted and got into a wrestling match with a friend and got flipped off the bed and broke my toe. But according to my mom (a nurse) there's not much that can be done for a broken big toe so I just limped around for a while. It's been about 2 years since and I still can't bend it all the way. Anyway back to pain. I can usually man up and deal with it but this is different. I am currently on day 2 of a back spasm. And besides whiney comments every 30 minutes I was dealing just fine. No troubles walking or sitting or lifting. Than an hour ago some douche pulled on my arm which jerked my back around. I immediately wanted to vomit. I never want to cry when I get hurt, just puke. I'm weird. Once I got home I fell on my bed and couldn't move. It hurts to breath. It took me 10 minutes to get up to get some pain killers. ( this is me whining. Lol). My night is over and I'm laying in bed watching Netflix on my iPhone and blogging. I'm supposed to go take a hot shower and stretch shit out but it's a long ten feet to the bathroom.....
Guess I better try.
Thanks for sharing in my agony. Lol just tell me stop whining in the comments.
Night.



Ps. RIP Steve Jobs :(

U

So awhile ago I said I would talk about my attraction to U. Sorry if it gets confusing I don't know what the hell I was thinking using U as nickname but here we go.
I met U about 3 years ago at a work/charity BBQ I was in charge of. We had volleyball and basketball tournaments and U is my boss' cousin and was supposed to play on his team. Well my boss didn't show up so I volunteered to replace him and play with U and one of my other friends/boss for some 3 on 3. We ended up getting 3rd because I suck ass at bball. Anyway move on to volleyball and we kicked ass.haha. The first time I saw U I thought he was fuckin hot, and was glad that my boss didn't show. Anyway a few months later he ended up coming to a party at my friends house and he was trying to get in this girls pants so they were playing strip pong so I had to try very hard to make it obvious that I was checking him out shirtless, which by the way was very difficult. We ended up hanging out randomly in groups of friends for about a year during which I just thought he was hot. I ended up playing volleyball with his cousin/my boss on a summer league and U's parents were on the team also. Weird but they are fucking legit at volleyball and we did good throughout the season. U ended up hanging out with us alot seeing as how he was related to half my team. Through volleyball (which was at a bar.ha) and drinking after we ended up hanging out and we had some other academic similarities that we would talk about. And he is also the only other person I know who is somewhat passionate about politics, I love politics by the way. So through all this we became good friends and I started to like him more than just thinking he was hot. This past summer I jumped ship and joined his volleyball team so we would hang out weekly and I would seriously get a little depressed when he wouldn't hang out after the games cause he was a main reason I went. Lame ass I know.
Anyway after our all day tournament we decided to get pretty wasted, pretty early. I told him I was gonna stay at his place cause I wasn't driving and we were joking around all day about who was gonna be big spoon. He ended up pissing his girlfriend off (yah he has a gf). And so he started to walk home and I had to get all his shit and mine and go out to the parking lot. His gf had to drive us home so I went and got in the front, U was in the back laying down. One of the things U forgot at the bar was his cowboy hat. I decided to wear it obviously, and when I got in the car he sent me a text and said that it looked sexy on me. I would usually just laugh it off cause I'm always worried if I play gay back that it will make people think twice. However I was drunk and pretty much in love with this guy so sent him a text back and said that I was wearing it just for him. Then he told me to get in the back seat.lol. I didn't. When we got back to his place his girlfriend was still a little pissed so she pretty much left right away. U stripped down to his boxers right away which I enjoyed as he has a nice swimmers cut body, and I wasn't concerned about not looking. he then told me his dick was falling out the front but I missed it. damnit.It was bed time so we walked down the hall towards the bedrooms when U stopped to give me options where I could pass out. They were as follows: the couch in the basement, the pink 70's couch in the living room, in the spare room on the futon, or in his bed if I wanted to that would be ok with him. I am shy so I picked futon and went to pass out alone. I was laying there just thinking about everything when I heard a crash which was U rolling onto the floor.lol. I kept thinking and got up with the intention of going into his room and telling him that I was gay. I got up, and walked to the bathroom, where I pissed and talked myself out of it. I walked back by his room and he was laying on the floor so I asked him if he was ok and he said ya and told me to go lay with him. I can only say no so many times.lol. So I went and layed on the floor with him and he covered my up in the same blanket as him. There was no spooning or touching but just being that close to him and his breathing was comforting and relaxing. Then I went to sleep hoping I would wake up with his arms around me and of course that didn't happen. The next day he apparently had very little memory of even pissing his gf off....sigh

Anyway about 2 weeks later I came out to him and I think I was expecting him to profess his love to me or something. As we all know that didn't happen and he gave me some good advice and told me if I ever wanted to go hangout in more liberal parts of town he would be down but I have tried to invite with no response...I'd like to think is so in love with me and doesn't want to accept it that he can't talk to me. haha.
anyway this is a way long post and I am starting to get over U, I guess its easy when he is acting like a douche.
later dudes

have you guys seen this video its pretty funny.

Weekend recap.

Hows it goin guys?? Hope you all had a good weekend, mine was a little disappointing, for petty reasons that you are about to read about.
Let's start at Friday. I got my new IPhone! It's pretty sweet so far and I feel so elite with it. Lol not really but it is cool. So I also went to the bar on Friday with Lea and she made some comment about me being a dick to her the last month or so and it being undeserved. So on the way home I said you really don't know why I hate you you? She said no and than I pretty much let her have it. I told her that she replaced the words dumb and stupid with gay and it was fucked up cause it started after I told her. I told her it was like she was stabbing me every time she said it ( dramatic, I know) she apologized with some half ass sorry and I kept going an told her that she was one of 2 people I felt comfortable enough to tell and she has no regard for how I felt when she said that shit. She also denied saying fag and faggot ever... Then we started talking about how depressed I have been lately and how shitty lifes been. And she proceeded to tell me my life isn't that bad, and blah blah cause she knows what it's like to lie for years to everyone. Moral of the story is she apologized and I still came out of the situation pissed off.
Saturday--- my college team got their asses kicked. Not even close. For some reason I get pissed off when my teams lose but I get over it fast. Than me and Lea had a birthday party to stop at so we went and I tried to buy the birthday girl a drink but got told no cause she already had to much, Lea's response "that's gay". Awesome.
I know I shouldn't expect much from some people but it was less than 24 hours since our last talk.
Today was fun. Went and played some tennis with a couple friends and I got a really old dryer from my grandparents, but it works which is all that matters since mine took a shit a couple months ago. Good bye laundry mat. But today my Broncos got their asses kicked as well, Im gonna have to pick new teams or stop being so loyal.....I'll just stick with them and see if they can pull it out next week. I wish I had some interesting hook up story for you but I don't. Lol I wish so that you had something to read and I'd have someone to hookup with. Thanks for the emails guys I really get alot out of them and they make my day a little better. I actually got 2 of them within 8 minutes last night, my phone was blowing up. And as promised TB I read your blog in about an hour tonight. It was really good. I guess that's it everyone so have a good week. (even though I plan on writing tomorrow)
Here is my "new" 30 year old dryer.