This last week my friend Jake (purple belt) came over and we decided to walk around my new neighborhood to see what was within walking distance and how far I was from all the bars.haha. It was pretty cool we walked for probably a couple hours and stopped and got ice cream and stopped in an art gallery which had some pretty sweet nature pictures, if only I had a few grand to buy one. Anyway we were walking back and he just started a question and I knew exactly where it was going. He said either Lea is a really bad liar or I just believe her but I have a question to ask and it might be kind of awkward but are you gay? I just started laughing and simply said yes. It was really easy and it felt extremely freeing to get it out in the open with him. He actually asked questions about it too, which was cool and sort of a way I knew that he was ok with it and didn't just want to know and then never mention it again. Then he started talking about how his parents told have talked to him a few times about it being ok if he is gay and he could tell them...add that to the list.ha.
So he makes the 5th person that I have told and it really is getting easier. I kind of like when people ask me it takes the pressure off and takes away all of the work of starting/segueing into the topic.
Also not sure if I made it clear in my last post about moving but me and Lea "broke up" in roommate terms, were still cool she just wanted to live alone and "grow up" as she put it. I was a little weary about it at first but I think living alone will be good for me after living with a roommate or my parents for pretty much my entire life.
And I am also very excited for the school year to start, I live close to a college campus!
And I finally watched shelter..it was really good.
later
I recently moved from my suburban apartment to an apartment downtown in the city. Its really close to all the happenings here in town and I have always wanted to live in a city. Plus I figured the chance of meeting a guy would be easier in a place where everyone is more progressive, and less redneck. haha. So far I have chatted with a few guys on Grindr but nothing too major.
Until last night. This guys chatted me and asked if I wanted to come over. I usually would have said no, but for some reason I really just wanted to go out on a limb and see what it would be like. He only lived a few blocks away and I stupidly went. I got to his place and he let me in the building. I tried to make some small talk about his apartment and how nice his place was and all he wanted to do was get me into his room. Which was the ultimate reason for my visit, but conversation never killed anyone. We went to his room and started kissing. We ended up just messing around for a bit and sucking some D.lol. That was all we did but it wasn't for a lack of him trying.
One of the weirdest things I have ever seen was when he came he would lift his right hand above his head like he was a bull rider....I just stared at him. I have watched some porn in my life, I mean I am a 24 year old virgin, and I have never seen anything like that.haha
He was really insistent that I fuck him. He asked, I told him no. He asked again and I asked if he had condoms, he said "maybe". We messed around for a few again and then he told me to "do him" (this is a little weird for me to write so excuse any awkward language.haha) I told him no I didn't want to and he told me just to stick it in... I said no again. He got off again. YEEHAW. And then we were laying there and he wanted to cuddle. I told him I would stay for awhile. And just kept moving around and he started to run his finger across my face.
I left.
Went home. Blocked him. Cleaned up. Went to bed regretting my decision to go over. I guess I am glad that I took a step I just wish it would have turned out better. I really wasn't that attracted to him nor did I feel a connection so I found myself disconnected from the situation and staring off during the whole thing.
I know I managed to make this into a random ramble but I wanted to share.
Also I think I received the toothiest blow job ever!! haha.
No more random hookups, dates only for this guy.
At this point in time I should be doing my homework... but this seems much funner. I started a couple online summer classes a few weeks ago so I cold get in some credits and still work full time.. I have got to have the worst timing ever. We are doing our annual inventory at work and I have to fill in where needed when people call in so I am in the middle of a 17 day in a row stretch at work, I'll have had 4 days off this month. I have spent so much time at work I already fell behind in one of my classes. Not how I saw things starting off but I'm sure Ill be back on top of it soon.
I have also become increasingly more active in the last couple months. I did Warrior Dash a couple weeks ago and did relatively well. Placed in the top 1/3 out of almost 10,000 people, which I was happy with seeing as I had never run in any type of race. This past week through work I was in charge of putting together a group of us to do a couple legs of the "torch run" for the state games here. Kind of like the Olympic torch carry but with much less importance. haha. I ran a total of about 6 miles in 2 days, which is a lot for me. I don't know if I'd go so far as it was fun but I always love the sense of accomplishment I get after running a distance. I haven't played tennis or lifted in a couple weeks but am supposed to start with Jake again soon (more on that in a minute). I also got a soccer ball for my birthday a couple of weeks ago and am taking applications for a coach since I haven't played in a few(15) years. haha. It will take a pro
To go with that since August when I started my challenge to lose weight and get in shape I have lost 55lbs. I am pretty happy with the results thus far but I have kind of hit a plateau and really want to lose another 20lbs. When I look at pictures of how I used to look versus now its kind of disgusting.
On to the Jake issue. Since I wrote about him last we very rarely hang out and conversations are almost a little awkward. But not because I made a move on him or went to far, if that happened I would be ok with it.haha. Its actually because him and my roommate Lea have a thing now. Which I am 100% ok with but they have pretty much lied to me about the whole thing and snuck around my back. I know I sound like a bitchy cheerleader so let me explain. Jake would come over to my place to hangout and one night I went to bed because I had to work the next morning, and he stayed and watched TV with Lea. Soon he would text me to hangout and come over and then come over late and stay and hangout after I went to bed. So I felt like he was just using me just to get to hang out with her. After then I went on vacation came back and we lifted once and it was slightly awkward-much less muscle touching- and they both acted a little weird. Now he's at my place all the time with her and they go on walks and go driving around for a couple hours. Essentially they same things we used to do but with sex.haha. They are always playing footsie and wrestling and one night they passed out on the floor cuddling and then as soon as I went to my room they got up and went to hers. All those clues would lead me to believe they are hooking up, I think its pretty solid evidence. But the thing is neither one of them have came out and said anything to me and they both act really guilty and weird after he stays the night....So while I know I should jealous, I hate being lied to more than anything.
Whining complete. On a positive note I put in my 2 week notice at the bar. While I will miss the money I won't miss the people and their narrow-minded views I had to sit and listen to for hours at a time.
here are some summer pics
This is a time that I am going to ask that everyone leave a comment. I only have 29 followers and probably a few non-followers who stop in and read. 5 people know that I like dudes. Lea, U, his fiancee, B, and the girl from the bar. B, U, and fiancee all live in other towns, none of which are close. Lea is not a person I have come to put much stock in when it comes to gay things and girl from bar I don't really talk to. So my question out of all of this is: Do I go out alone to meet guys??
I know I sound like a friendless introvert but I don't see the point in going out with people who don't know and trying to catch a dudes eye while avoiding the attention of the people I'm actually with.
I really want to go to downtown even if its alone just to be in the area of town where everyone goes out. But at the same time I don't want to be "that guy" who goes to the bar alone and sits there alone just drinking the night away. alone.
Yes the simple solution is to just tell all my friends and family I'm gay and live life....but shit isn't that easy and "happily ever after".
Let me know please! If I get enough responses soon maybe I'll try and savage the night.haha.
A couple off subject things. What happened to RJ? Maybe his life is just going so well he didn't to to vent, if so thats awesome.
#2. I cannot fucking wait for the College World Series in a few weeks. I have gone every year for the last 7 years and it is one of the funnest things ever. I highly recommend coming if your team makes the tourney, or if your just bored. There are also a lot of hot college dudes there to see their schools play, and it gets hot, and they get shirtless, and painted.haha
Once again I have fallen for a straight kid. I know, I know I shouldn't but I can't help it. Essentially all I need is a straight guy who likes penis. This kid, Jake, works with me and he recently started hanging out with our small group of now disbanded friends. We were talking about working out and he said he needed to start running, which I already do, and I needed to start lifting, which he already does. So we started working out together. Than we would just hang out a lot and we ended up spending a lot of time together. Now I am sure it is just me deep down desire to have a boyfriend that is reading into stuff too much, but this time I thought this kid was legitimately gay. I will now present the evidence for you all to come to a verdict. Exhibit A: He wears a purple belt and on some days purple shoes to match....
Exhibit B: While working out he will come over and have me feel his muscles...
Exhibit C: One day we went out to eat and then went to a park and walked around the lake stopping and talking and taking pictures, for a few hours. It would be the perfect date in the future.
(there might have been a little
less-no touching but you get the idea)
Those are the big ones that stick out in my head. He also has an exact count on not only the number of girls he's had sex with, but a narrowed down number on the actual number of occurrences, and he says he regrets each one.
I think in the past 3 weeks we have not, not hung out outside of work 2 days. Also one day he grabbed my phone to look something up and he opened up the Safari browser and towleroad was up. He said "why are you looking at this page" I asked "what page?" and he said "just kidding I wanted to see what you would say" and that was it.
He also jumped on my xbox to get on my netflix, where Brokeback Mountain is in my queue right on the front page. I don't think he is clueless I'm sure he just has no idea how to approach it. I want to tell him I'm gay anyway just because he has become such a good friend. And I also want to tell him that what I really want to do when I see him is grab his face and make out for 6 hours at a time....babysteps. Haha. I tried to really hard not to fall for him but come on, he's really fucking cute and...well he wears a purple belt.haha.
I guess thats it for now, just needed to get my thoughts out.
Anyone get to catch the solar eclipse last night?? I was doing P90x, which still kills right now.lol.
later
I know I am probably not going to find many opponents to my views on marriage equality reading my blog but its still something I want to talk about. Obviously 2 days ago North Carolina passed Amendment 1 which solidified the law in place to ban same sex marriage and not recognizing partnerships or unions of any kind from anywhere. That fucking sucks. It doesn't affect me here in Nebraska but for those who live in NC it blows. Than 1 day later Obama comes out for equality, which isn't some big political action, its just where he stands and I think where the Democratic party is going this year.
This statement will probably be interpreted in a couple ways but who cares. I think that there is always going to be problems with the fiscal side of the government. There is never going to be a time when the country unanimously looks at the budget and the deficit and says "hey, this looks good great job everybody"(sorry Paul Ryan fans). Thats just not how the system works, there will always be alienated and pissed of people trying to get what they want. Of course jobs and the economy are important, is the recovery slower than anyone would like to see, yes, but is it recovering, yes. It has always taken longer to build something up than it has to tear it down.
With that being said when I look at politics social issues are more important to me, barring some outrages shit on the fiscal side. Think of it like this, If I was told that I had 1 year to live would I want to spend it being as happy as possible trying to fix something that will arguably always be flawed and will somehow always continue to chug along anyways??? I am sorry if this makes no sense at all.
So in November I will be voting the same way I did 4 years ago, for Barack Obama. Not just because of his stance on gay marriage but I also agree with many of his foreign and fiscal policy stances. My vote will essentially not count based on where I live, which sucks because If I lived 10 miles further North than I would live in the district the Obama won 4 years ago when he split the state..
I just registered for classes for this summer, one of them being current social problems, I think I should do fine. Haha. That and all the news coverage had me thinking about all this.
__________________________________________________________________I also like to read the blog towleroad, if you don't you should, I feel somehow more connected to the gay world.. There was a video on there I watched this morning that was sad as fuck but it is an important reminder of why we need marriage rights.
Hey guys it has been waaaaay to long since I have blogged a post. If I had actually posted every time I thought about actually doing it I would have spent a lot of time on my computer. I have no idea how to write this post so that it has some sort of readable format so here goes my usual ramble.
***This post is lengthy***
For a while since my last post I was thinking that there was nothing going on in my life worth putting out there, and I was actually troubled because that meant I have let myself get into a comfortable routine and if I stay in that comfortable rut then I am not going progress in my coming out at all. I have reached the point in time where the absence of another gay person in my life is irritating. I have a few friends who I know I can talk to but at the same time there is no way that they can 100% relate 100% of the time. So with that thought in mind I started talking to this guy online with the understanding that it was for friendship only and nothing sexual would ever develop. It was all good for the first few days and then through some freakish coincidental circumstances it turns out we have a few Facebook friends in common and a picture was posted online of him on a friends page. I wasn't really concerned with what he looked like, as friendship was my only goal going in, but what I saw online was not at all how he described himself. I was looking for other masculine normal dudes and he presented himself as such in his emails, in his picture he looked anything but (the shaped eyebrows were a slight indicator). That lie along with the fact that he started to ask for pictures a lot were enough for me to give up on him. So now I need to figure out a time to head downtown and meet some people in person.
A couple weeks ago 2 co-workers were talking and looking at me and called me over, I knew on my way over that my sexuality was going to come up, its a 6th sense. haha. Anyway I get over there and am almost immediately asked "guys or girls?". Fuuuuuck. As I stated in a previous post I don't want to lie anymore when asked the question, but at the same time I really didn't want to come out to these two. I did everything I could to avoid answering the question and joke about it with them, but they didn't relent and I lied.... I walked off pissed off at myself but at the same time at them for feeling the need to talk about me at all.
About a week ago I was trying to call one of my friends to let her know I was on my way over to pic her up so we could go hang out and I accidentally called one of the girls who works at the bar. I apologized for calling the wrong person and she laughed and said yeah right you really just wanted to talk to me deep down thats why you misdialed. I laughed and made small talk about the bar and work and that was it. Later that night she called me back and I swear to you she pulled the 8th grader wait til he answers and hang up cause I am too nervous. Damnit. Let me tell you about this girl. She is very, very attractive (for a girl.ha) and very a very confident person. She is also 36 or so and has a son who is 19 and in college... Anyway she called and it went like this:
me-hello
her-hi
me-whats up
her-...(silence)
...
...
...what are you doing?
me-watching tv
her-...
...
...
...
...
CLICK
I tried to brush it off and hoped she was just drunk and redialed me accidentally. A few days later I was bartending and she walked in and knew it wasn't going to be good. Her and her friend kept throwing one liners and pick up lines at me and I tried to comically deflect them, i.e: "Your tall, dark, and handsome" "I'm not that tall".haha I don't get hit on ever so I was just trying to roll with it. Then it happened. The girl I work with pulled me into the back room and tried to do so by holding my hand, which I twisted out of. I got a 6th sense flash and got nervous. She said she had a question to ask me but she didn't want me to get mad. I told her I wouldn't and she said she wanted to ask me, then she didn't, did, didn't. I told her I don't get mad and she just needed to ask me. She said that she thought I was "really adorable" and she didn't want to make a fool of herself by flirting with me followed by an "are you gay?" I stared back at her for a minute and a million things ran through my mind. Lie, tell the truth, who will she tell, can you trust her, you really don't know her, you'll probably lose your job if the people here find out, it was a million thoughts in 2 seconds, I stared at her in the eyes and said "yes, but don't tell anyone".
I just wanted to be honest for once so I did. We talked for a minute and she said again that she liked my but didn't want to make a fool of herself by being turned down and said "to each his own" and that she wouldn't tell anyone. Then she went back out to the bar and I went into the kitchen and was shaking like crazy and needed a minute to breath and relax. All I thought about til close was that conversation and tried to bring myself to be ok with it, and I am. Its got to be better than turing down a chick that looks like model in front of everyone weekly.
I have wanted to tell someone that for about a week, so let me know what you think I like feedback.
On a much, much sadder note, U is engaged :( haha. I'm really happy for him and his fiancee but of course my heart is broken and I have to come to terms with that fact that he might actually be straight. haha, oh well.
I also get to play volleyball again this summer. Volleyball is one of my favorite things to do in the summer. I am competitive and so is most of my team so winning is always enjoyable.
Here is one of my favorite bands to go running to. The music has a slight anger factor and is good to get the mood up and juices flowing. This song has actually been on the radio lately too.
