Just a quick post, I'm at my local holein the wall farmers bar. And because my dryer is out of commission I have only 1 pair of jeans. When I bought them they were straight legged, and after washing them they became my emo jeans I try not to wear. Lol. I alwayys feel out of place here but add in jeans so tight my balls hurt and I stick out.lol good thing this place is empty....also Pitt is kicking the shit out of Southern Florida, I hope they enjoyed being in the top 25. That's all. I can't wait to get home and let my junk breath.lol
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
unsex life
It's been so long, sorry for that delay. I decided this post would be about my "love" life, or lack there of. Since I have never been able to talk to anyone about this it will be weird to type out but that's what you guys are all for. ( This post will probably be rambling all over the place, just fyi)
I guess I will start with the fact that I am still a virgin. Yep at 23, which means I still have 17 years according to the movie.lol. Sex to me has always seemed awkward, probably because growing up I wasn't attracted to girls and denied being attracted to guys. There have been 3 girls that I have ever considered possibilities for dating or whatever but never did. 1 of them was a friend in highschool who I ended up hating but she had a reputation for being easy and I think that my thought process was if I just hooked up with her I would be straight or something but nothing came of that. The 2nd girl is also from high school and was the closest thing to a girlfriend I ever had. We went to homecoming and prom together and hung out a lot, again nothing ever happened and she is now one of my best friends. I really just liked her personality, not that shes not beautiful cause she is, but obviously no attraction physically. And 3rd girl I work with and talked to a lot with at work and I for some reason liked flirting with her and she flirted back and then one drunken night I was putting my hand on her leg and trying to get her to come home..in front of her boyfriend, ya I am an ass. Nothing resulted from that either.
I am actually very glad nothing ever came of these instances because I didn't want to force some faked relationship and then have to explain later when I actually come out how I felt about my "ex-girlfriends".
Now on to my even more limited gay list. When I was in high school one of me and my brothers friends came over and spent the night. We were hanging out driving around and when it was just me and him in the car he reached over grabbed my hand and stuck it on his crotch and he was hard, then he reached over and put his hand on my crotch. I pushed it away and was freaked the fuck out. At this time in life I was just trying to figure what was wrong with me for not liking girls and wasn't sure what was going on. So we went back to my house and him and my 2 brothers watched a movie-National Treasure, I still remember,lol- and when it was over my brothers went back to their rooms to go to bed and since I had my bed plus a futon in my room "Drew" stayed in my room. While we were trying to sleep he asked me what I would do if I woke up with cum on my face, at this time I was like what the fuck and asked what he would do if the same happened to him. He than got off the futon and crawled under my covers and got on top of me and started grinding. We got naked and he started to blow me, that was awesome,lol, and then I decided I wanted to try it so I did and it was a little weird but not bad. Than we layed next to eachother and "helped each other out" then it got kind of weird. He got back on me and just grinded while kissing my neck, this went on for about 10 minutes and I just layed there wondering what the fuck was going on, I wasn't getting much out of it and was nervous cause it was the first time I'd ever done anything. Then we heard one of my brother open their bedroom door so Drew went back to the futon, when my bro went back to his room Drew tried to finish but I told him that I had to go to the bathroom. I went to the bathroom and remember looking at myself in the mirror and asking myself what the fuck I was doing. I went back to my room and told Drew I didn't feel good and he asked if that meant we needed to finish quick and I said no that means you have to leave.lol. I was scared and felt disgusted cause I knew what others would think if the knew. I actually slept in our spare bedroom for the next 2 weeks cause I didn't want to be in my bed again.
My 2nd and last attempt with a guy was a lot easier for me as I had started to accept my sexuality and kind of wanted to see where things would go. This was just last October. One of my roommates friends was down for his birthday so we were all drinking so me and "Morgan" ended up being the last 2 awake and we just hung out talking, drinking, and listening to music. Again I was drunk and things get a little shitty in my memory but here it goes anyway. I sat on the couch and Morgan came and sat next to me, like almost on my lap. I had enough liquid courage in me so I put my hand on his leg and he started rubbing my arm. I moved closer to his goods and leaned over and kissed my neck. At this point I was ready to go to my room so turned off the music and lights and grabbed Morgans hand and went to my room. Once there Morgan sat in my bed and passed out almost instantly. I was naked and ready to go and was working on his shorts when i looked up and saw him passing out. I told him to take his shirt off cause there were way to many buttons for my drunk ass.haha. He must have taken it off cause I know I didn't. I tried to blow him to get him to wake up and that didn't work, neither did trying to kiss him or anything. At this point I knew he was so fucked up he wasn't going to remember anything in the morning so put his boxers back on him so he would think he just took off his clothes to go to sleep. Then I went to bed, as predicted he didn't remember (or claimed not to). To clarify Morgan is married now, wasn't a year ago-in fact he wasn't even dating at the time, and has 3 kids, which is why that fact that what happened was surprising and why he claimed not to remember.
Thats it that is my lame relationship life. I have not had sex, and the couple times I did stuff were meaningless. I have also never been kissed....................yah dumb I know but sex/relationships have always seemed awkward and as gay as it sounds I want to do be with a guy who I really actually like and want to be with for more than a one night stand. I think I am ready for dating now I just want to know a guy before I get that far. That's all for now sorry for the long post.
I guess I will start with the fact that I am still a virgin. Yep at 23, which means I still have 17 years according to the movie.lol. Sex to me has always seemed awkward, probably because growing up I wasn't attracted to girls and denied being attracted to guys. There have been 3 girls that I have ever considered possibilities for dating or whatever but never did. 1 of them was a friend in highschool who I ended up hating but she had a reputation for being easy and I think that my thought process was if I just hooked up with her I would be straight or something but nothing came of that. The 2nd girl is also from high school and was the closest thing to a girlfriend I ever had. We went to homecoming and prom together and hung out a lot, again nothing ever happened and she is now one of my best friends. I really just liked her personality, not that shes not beautiful cause she is, but obviously no attraction physically. And 3rd girl I work with and talked to a lot with at work and I for some reason liked flirting with her and she flirted back and then one drunken night I was putting my hand on her leg and trying to get her to come home..in front of her boyfriend, ya I am an ass. Nothing resulted from that either.
I am actually very glad nothing ever came of these instances because I didn't want to force some faked relationship and then have to explain later when I actually come out how I felt about my "ex-girlfriends".
Now on to my even more limited gay list. When I was in high school one of me and my brothers friends came over and spent the night. We were hanging out driving around and when it was just me and him in the car he reached over grabbed my hand and stuck it on his crotch and he was hard, then he reached over and put his hand on my crotch. I pushed it away and was freaked the fuck out. At this time in life I was just trying to figure what was wrong with me for not liking girls and wasn't sure what was going on. So we went back to my house and him and my 2 brothers watched a movie-National Treasure, I still remember,lol- and when it was over my brothers went back to their rooms to go to bed and since I had my bed plus a futon in my room "Drew" stayed in my room. While we were trying to sleep he asked me what I would do if I woke up with cum on my face, at this time I was like what the fuck and asked what he would do if the same happened to him. He than got off the futon and crawled under my covers and got on top of me and started grinding. We got naked and he started to blow me, that was awesome,lol, and then I decided I wanted to try it so I did and it was a little weird but not bad. Than we layed next to eachother and "helped each other out" then it got kind of weird. He got back on me and just grinded while kissing my neck, this went on for about 10 minutes and I just layed there wondering what the fuck was going on, I wasn't getting much out of it and was nervous cause it was the first time I'd ever done anything. Then we heard one of my brother open their bedroom door so Drew went back to the futon, when my bro went back to his room Drew tried to finish but I told him that I had to go to the bathroom. I went to the bathroom and remember looking at myself in the mirror and asking myself what the fuck I was doing. I went back to my room and told Drew I didn't feel good and he asked if that meant we needed to finish quick and I said no that means you have to leave.lol. I was scared and felt disgusted cause I knew what others would think if the knew. I actually slept in our spare bedroom for the next 2 weeks cause I didn't want to be in my bed again.
My 2nd and last attempt with a guy was a lot easier for me as I had started to accept my sexuality and kind of wanted to see where things would go. This was just last October. One of my roommates friends was down for his birthday so we were all drinking so me and "Morgan" ended up being the last 2 awake and we just hung out talking, drinking, and listening to music. Again I was drunk and things get a little shitty in my memory but here it goes anyway. I sat on the couch and Morgan came and sat next to me, like almost on my lap. I had enough liquid courage in me so I put my hand on his leg and he started rubbing my arm. I moved closer to his goods and leaned over and kissed my neck. At this point I was ready to go to my room so turned off the music and lights and grabbed Morgans hand and went to my room. Once there Morgan sat in my bed and passed out almost instantly. I was naked and ready to go and was working on his shorts when i looked up and saw him passing out. I told him to take his shirt off cause there were way to many buttons for my drunk ass.haha. He must have taken it off cause I know I didn't. I tried to blow him to get him to wake up and that didn't work, neither did trying to kiss him or anything. At this point I knew he was so fucked up he wasn't going to remember anything in the morning so put his boxers back on him so he would think he just took off his clothes to go to sleep. Then I went to bed, as predicted he didn't remember (or claimed not to). To clarify Morgan is married now, wasn't a year ago-in fact he wasn't even dating at the time, and has 3 kids, which is why that fact that what happened was surprising and why he claimed not to remember.
Thats it that is my lame relationship life. I have not had sex, and the couple times I did stuff were meaningless. I have also never been kissed....................yah dumb I know but sex/relationships have always seemed awkward and as gay as it sounds I want to do be with a guy who I really actually like and want to be with for more than a one night stand. I think I am ready for dating now I just want to know a guy before I get that far. That's all for now sorry for the long post.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
ignorant people
Watch this:
This fucking pissed me off. Not necessarily that Santorum made this question about sex instead of orientation, because I already knew he was a bigot bastard. But the fact that the audience booed a man who puts his life on the line to fight for them. Fucking douche bags.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
coming out #2
Thanks to socrkid17 for the shout out!!! Its nice to have readers and followers.
You have read about my coming out to Lea and now I want to talk about my coming out to U. He is the only other person who knows about my being gay. One night while drunk I was texting you and said that I needed to talk to him and that is wasn't something that could be said over texts so he decided to come and visit me the next weekend. Saturday came and U showed up at my house so we decided to go and have dinner at a bar in the downtown area where I live and start drinking. After dinner we went to an Irish bar with live music and it was fun, I had my first car bomb.lol. The whole time we were there I was just trying to to play out the conversation in my head, how would I start it, when should I tell him, is he going to be as accepting as I thought, is it going to be an awkward ride home? So I decided to wait even longer...We traveled closer to home to finish off the night to the bar that I work at part time in my neighborhood. I thought that a couple shots and a pitcher of beer each would be enough liquid courage to get what I needed accomplished. Once we got home we went on the patio..cause Lea was home and sleeping and at the time I didn't tell her my plans. Once outside the alcohol kicked in and my memory gets a little spotty, which is the most frustrating thing about the situation cause I would have liked to remember something so important, but lightweights can't be choosers.haha.
From what I remember: We were making small talk and I said I need to tell you something and he said go for it so I said "What if I told you I was gay?" His response "it honestly doesn't matter" I felt awesome at this time. Then we started talking about how his current girlfriend has a lot of gay friends and that if I was ok with he was going to tell her so that if I ever needed to I could talk to her gay friends, drunk me said ok. Then we talked about a mutual friend who has a lot of gay friends and he said I should tell her, which I have thought about but I don't know her real well and I am friends with her brother. We were out there for a while and all I don't remember much more. At one point we were hold hands, in a reassuring way, which for some reason I have done both times I came out. maybe it's so they can't run. I also remember him reassuring me over and over it was ok and he would be there for me. I for some reason think I cried but I can't be 100%. Next thing I know it is noon, I am hungover as fuck but emotionally I feel awesome. I had to bar tend that afternoon so me and U left my apartment at the same time. In the parking lot he stopped again and told me that if I ever needed anything to let him know.
Later that night I texted him again and said thanks again. I emailed him a week or so later just to gay talk. And things seemed ok as he responded. Since then I have emailed him with no response, a couple times. He gave me a lot of advice in the first email which I needed, I think I might be needy when I come out to people. But my thinking is that I came out to them so I had someone who knows me and I could talk to. But he is still a friend and I can't just stop talking to him. It should also be said that I am in love with U....yes I am currently the guy in love with his straight friend, not who I wanted to be but I think there have been some mixed signals...lol. that story is for next time.
So that is coming out #2 and the way things are looking I don't think there will be anymore soon. I am not ballsy enough as areyousuprised (from the earlier video) to come out full force like that. Someday though.
Hopefully my future posts will be a little more interesting and upbeat, but I won't make promises.haha
ps-my email is fenery1@gmail.com
You have read about my coming out to Lea and now I want to talk about my coming out to U. He is the only other person who knows about my being gay. One night while drunk I was texting you and said that I needed to talk to him and that is wasn't something that could be said over texts so he decided to come and visit me the next weekend. Saturday came and U showed up at my house so we decided to go and have dinner at a bar in the downtown area where I live and start drinking. After dinner we went to an Irish bar with live music and it was fun, I had my first car bomb.lol. The whole time we were there I was just trying to to play out the conversation in my head, how would I start it, when should I tell him, is he going to be as accepting as I thought, is it going to be an awkward ride home? So I decided to wait even longer...We traveled closer to home to finish off the night to the bar that I work at part time in my neighborhood. I thought that a couple shots and a pitcher of beer each would be enough liquid courage to get what I needed accomplished. Once we got home we went on the patio..cause Lea was home and sleeping and at the time I didn't tell her my plans. Once outside the alcohol kicked in and my memory gets a little spotty, which is the most frustrating thing about the situation cause I would have liked to remember something so important, but lightweights can't be choosers.haha.
From what I remember: We were making small talk and I said I need to tell you something and he said go for it so I said "What if I told you I was gay?" His response "it honestly doesn't matter" I felt awesome at this time. Then we started talking about how his current girlfriend has a lot of gay friends and that if I was ok with he was going to tell her so that if I ever needed to I could talk to her gay friends, drunk me said ok. Then we talked about a mutual friend who has a lot of gay friends and he said I should tell her, which I have thought about but I don't know her real well and I am friends with her brother. We were out there for a while and all I don't remember much more. At one point we were hold hands, in a reassuring way, which for some reason I have done both times I came out. maybe it's so they can't run. I also remember him reassuring me over and over it was ok and he would be there for me. I for some reason think I cried but I can't be 100%. Next thing I know it is noon, I am hungover as fuck but emotionally I feel awesome. I had to bar tend that afternoon so me and U left my apartment at the same time. In the parking lot he stopped again and told me that if I ever needed anything to let him know.
Later that night I texted him again and said thanks again. I emailed him a week or so later just to gay talk. And things seemed ok as he responded. Since then I have emailed him with no response, a couple times. He gave me a lot of advice in the first email which I needed, I think I might be needy when I come out to people. But my thinking is that I came out to them so I had someone who knows me and I could talk to. But he is still a friend and I can't just stop talking to him. It should also be said that I am in love with U....yes I am currently the guy in love with his straight friend, not who I wanted to be but I think there have been some mixed signals...lol. that story is for next time.
So that is coming out #2 and the way things are looking I don't think there will be anymore soon. I am not ballsy enough as areyousuprised (from the earlier video) to come out full force like that. Someday though.
Hopefully my future posts will be a little more interesting and upbeat, but I won't make promises.haha
ps-my email is fenery1@gmail.com
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Lonely
Its late I have been watching and reading the news and I couldn't be happier for anyone serving now that DADT is finally gone. But watching everyone elses happiness make me realize how depressed and trapped I feel in my life right now. One thing that's weird for me is to express my feelings to others. So this blog is a way for me to do that, yet at the same time I feel like deleting this because it feels overly emo.
I live in probably the shitiest place in the midwest to be gay. I moved to the outskirts of a city 2 hours from home hoping the area would be more accepting and conducive to me feeling comfortable being me...wrong. I managed to move into an area almost more conservative than the 1,100 person town I graduated in. I know poor me, but you guys are the only people I can talk to about this shit. There is nothing keeping me here right now besides a lease I can't afford to break, only 9 more months!
This is just rambling about me feeling depressed and lonely. As I have written before I don't know any gay guys. And the few I see around are extremely effeminate and aren't the type of guys I would approach. Not that I am looking to start dating or having sex, although I am tired of waking up alone. Just some guys that I could be me around and meet people who know how I feel and what I have gone through. So how about this for now.
Since I need some bros to talk to and we all have to internet send me an email. Again not something I normally do but I guess I'm feeling kind of needy today.lol. I would love to chat with some of you guys.
This is why I hate having week days off, no football or drinking leaves time for thinking. Thanks for attending my pity party.haha
Monday, September 19, 2011
Awesome
Just to go along with the repeal today. This video is awesome and you should watch this video and the rest of his. This guy is my hero for many reasons.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
coming out #1
To start off with, my Broncos lost to the fucking Raiders of all teams. Should have let Tebow play, cause Orton sucked, and Tebow is much better looking.haha.
Alright so on to my actual reason for this post. So as I said I came out to Lea after being at a college football scrimmage this last April. After the game we went to a bar where one of m friends was working so it was dollar drinks for this guy.lol. Lea didn't drink much as she had to drive home. After we got back to town we decided to hit up a local hole in the wall where we were regulars. After a some time, and booze, here we decided to go with a few friends to another bar in town. This is where it starts to get fuzzy. Don't get me wrong I used to be a pro at handling my alcohol, I think there were about 12 days during the entire year I was 21 that I didn't drink, but lately I have calmed down a little bit and lost some tolerance. Getting back on track, at this last bar I start to get a little spotty with my memory. Me and Lea came home at about 2am and were laying on the floor in her room. I'm not sure what came over me but I told her I had to tell her something but I wasn't going to tell her if she was too drunk to remember. She said she wasn't and after verifying this with her 8 more times I grabbed her and hand, took a breath and said...."I'm gay". Response "ok, are you sure?" I told her yeah and then told her I was scared and that I didn't plan on telling anyone because I wanted to have friends and I know people would hate me if they knew....at this point in the conversation I was crying my eyes, which is embarrassing as fuck because I never cry. Than our "couch roommate" at the time came home and so we left and drove to BK to get her some food. While driving there I told her about people we work with who I thought were attractive and she said she would always be there for me and would go to to gay bar with me.lol. So then we got home and it was bed time.
Sounds awesome!!!!!! Right? not quite. The next day I woke up and wanted to jump put my window, I didn't want to see her face or what she might think of me once the Captain Morgan wore off. Well I saw her and....nothing. she didn't acknowledge or say anything for over a week. Which had me freaking out because either she wasn't ok with it anymore or she was so drunk she forgot. So a week later we were driving home from my volleyball game and I turned down the radio and asked if she remembered our convo and she said yes...that is pretty much the last time my sexuality has been brought up.
Not that I want it to be a big thing that is focused on but some support or someone to talk to would be nice. If it happens to come up in conversation she will kill the subject and switch it pretty quick. In the past 2 months or so she has eliminated the words "dumb" and "stupid" from her vocabulary and replaced them with gay......fucking awesome to live and work with. Also "fag" and "faggot" are now used often and as maliciously as possible. I honestly wouldn't care if she didn't know...Fuck I used to say "gay" until last year when I finally just accepted myself as a homo and dealt with it.
I'm not one to start drama by bringing it up although it gets old sometimes. Moral of this story is that my coming out to Lea seemed better than I would have ever thought at first, and then it quickly faded to my worst fears I have always had. It just doesn't make me want to come out anymore knowing not even my "best friend" can accept and support me....
sorry to end on a down note. Here are some pics to bring it back up.lol
Monday, September 12, 2011
More about me
I'm sure that everyone wants to hear about me more so here it goes. Besides being gay and a midwesterner, I am obviously closeted, which is again why I am here, kind of like therapy to get shit off my chest. I'm not a fan of the phrase "straight acting" because it insinuates that all gay guys should be wearing their lavender capris and spandex v-neck that is 2 sizes to small. Moving on, I am pretty much your normal guy, if you saw me walking down the street you wouldn't take a 2nd look.
About my situation.. I am out to 2 people right now. Obviously I would like to be out to everyone but this isn't a perfect world. Of the 2 people that know one is my roommate, we will call her Lea. I told Lea back in April of this year. I was not planning to at all, but I got a little drunk after going to the scrimmage game at a college in the area. Damn beer. She took it pretty well at the time but since then it is a subject she is not comfortable with so she doesn't bring it up and I like/respect her less for not being the best friend I thought she was and needed in my life. I'll go into greater detail in a later post.
The other guy I am out to I have known for a few years but we weren't close friends at all, we will call him U. He asked me to play on his volleyball team this summer and we got a lot closer. U is also pretty much the only other person I know who is passionate about and likes to talk politics, and we are both democrats-hard to find here. I actually premeditated my conversation with him and told him about a week in advance we needed to talk. Then when it happened he was awesome about it and has been there to talk to ever since, even though we live 1 and a half hours apart. This was just last month.
These are the only people who know, I don't "hook up" so there isn't even another homo who knows. In fact I know 0 gay guys, which sucks for trying to come out and meet people, and is also another reason I'm doing this. But this post is long and has given me a lot of ideas for future posts. thanks, and hopefully I get some followers or page views, I think the one view I had from Germany might have been an accident.....
ps- go Broncos!!!!!
About my situation.. I am out to 2 people right now. Obviously I would like to be out to everyone but this isn't a perfect world. Of the 2 people that know one is my roommate, we will call her Lea. I told Lea back in April of this year. I was not planning to at all, but I got a little drunk after going to the scrimmage game at a college in the area. Damn beer. She took it pretty well at the time but since then it is a subject she is not comfortable with so she doesn't bring it up and I like/respect her less for not being the best friend I thought she was and needed in my life. I'll go into greater detail in a later post.
The other guy I am out to I have known for a few years but we weren't close friends at all, we will call him U. He asked me to play on his volleyball team this summer and we got a lot closer. U is also pretty much the only other person I know who is passionate about and likes to talk politics, and we are both democrats-hard to find here. I actually premeditated my conversation with him and told him about a week in advance we needed to talk. Then when it happened he was awesome about it and has been there to talk to ever since, even though we live 1 and a half hours apart. This was just last month.
These are the only people who know, I don't "hook up" so there isn't even another homo who knows. In fact I know 0 gay guys, which sucks for trying to come out and meet people, and is also another reason I'm doing this. But this post is long and has given me a lot of ideas for future posts. thanks, and hopefully I get some followers or page views, I think the one view I had from Germany might have been an accident.....
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Hola
The first post seems to be a place for introductions so here it goes. I guess I'm doing this because I have stuff that I need to get off my chest, not that I think anything I say is important enough for anyone to care, I'm just looking for an outlet.
I am 23 and live in the mid-west region of the US.I lead an extremely boring and mundane life and I also happen to be gay, not that its a giant deal these days but it is to me right now. As you can probably tell I am in the closet and try very hard to fly under the radar and not get noticed for fear of someone realizing I'm gay. I have only told 2 friends about the real me, and only 1 of them is anywhere close to supportive.
Like I said I'm not doing this because what I say is so important that everyone needs to read it its just a place for me to get my thoughts externalized and if someone reads and wants to comment then the feedback would be awesome. That's all I have for now, I'll have to gather my thoughts on how to go about blogging, as I have never done it before. So soon there should be another post.
Thanks to all 0 of you that are reading this now.haha
I am 23 and live in the mid-west region of the US.I lead an extremely boring and mundane life and I also happen to be gay, not that its a giant deal these days but it is to me right now. As you can probably tell I am in the closet and try very hard to fly under the radar and not get noticed for fear of someone realizing I'm gay. I have only told 2 friends about the real me, and only 1 of them is anywhere close to supportive.
Like I said I'm not doing this because what I say is so important that everyone needs to read it its just a place for me to get my thoughts externalized and if someone reads and wants to comment then the feedback would be awesome. That's all I have for now, I'll have to gather my thoughts on how to go about blogging, as I have never done it before. So soon there should be another post.
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