"functional relationship"

For all practical reasons I am in what I call a functioning relationship. When it comes to me and my roommate Lea its as if we are a couple. We hang out together, we have the same friends, we work together (at both jobs), we know each others parents, we usually are just together. When we do something with friends that are couples it is expected that we will show up together, just the 2 of us, no other possible date. We were both in the wedding I blogged about recently, I as an usher and her has a bridesmaid. We received one invitation to our apartment, addressed to the both of us, no plus ones.This normally isn't an issue, I actually find comfort in not worrying about having to show up somewhere alone, as Lea is my expected "date". If you subtract the lack of "gay support" I have received from her I have mostly gotten along with Lea and been tolerant of her.Recently she has started a new job of sorts and thinks that she is better than everyone who is not on the same course as her. She has this "dream" (in her words) that she will be retired by the time she is 25. She has already put in her notice at the bar and plans on quitting her full time job within the next 2 years. Im glad she has a dream but I think there is a difference between her "dream" and a goal. She has become extremely arrogant recently and practically turns her nose up to me when I am not 100% behind her on every decision and move she makes. Anyway the other day, Monday to be exact, I was at work getting ready to hold a meeting and she called me and asked why I wasn't at work, I told her I was and that I was getting ready for the meeting, she got pissed that I didn't fold when she was questioning me and got off the phone and let me talk to my boss. Later she asked my I was being an asshole to her and nice to my boss, and I told her that I wasn't trying to be and was pissed that she tried to call me out and make me look bad in front of my boss, and that my boss writes my evaluation and gives me a raise so I was gonna be a little nicer to him. Thats when she made a comment about me not being as good as her for not having a plan to be retired in 2 years and being less than her. I was pissed and retorted with something to the effect of having a realistic goal in life. Since then we have talked once over the phone. And I am honestly ok with that. I don't really need that in my life and the really awkward part is that I live with her until my lease is up in 5 months...should be fun.haha

On another random note. One of the people who works for me died yesterday. I am normally not an emotional person, as I have stated before I honestly only cry when drunk and coming out. I can count on 1 hand the times I have cried in the last 4 or 5 years. But for some reason I can't shake this. I wasn't close to the guy but I still saw him 4 or 5 days a week and talked to him at work. And what really sucks is having to watch other people cope with everything. He was from another country and had no immediate family here so there won't even be a funeral in the states, which I had viewed as some sort of closure, so now I am unsure of how to feel. I really feel responsible. He was in a car wreck on his way home from work..... And I make his schedule. And I don't know, it just really fucking sucks. It wasn't even his fault, someone ran a stop sign and he swerved to not hit them and ended up hitting someone else head on. Died on the scene, meanwhile the car that ran the stop sign fled and hasn't been found. ASSHOLE.

I suck in situations where sadness is the expected emotional response. But because I feel so connected to it this time my emotions are all over the place. My natural reaction to everything is laughter, whether it be nervous and awkward in this situation, but then the next minute I want to cry and find myself holding back tears.

I don't know what to do so I am off to have a few beers and hang out with a friend from work. Have a good rest of the weekend.

coming out letter

Whats up everyone? hope your all out having fun since it is Friday. I myself am at home reading and I decided to type up my coming out letter to my mom. It is kind of a random jumble of things I have always wanted to say and I gave it a mediocre format and am calling it a letter. Let me know what you guys think, I want to make sure I get it right. And I know this is something personal but I want to make sure I get it right and if I can get direct coming out assistance from you guys via my blog then I will be more than happy I ever started writing this. So here it is:
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Mom,

 I want to start out by saying that I love you and hope that you love me, which I think you do. I really wish I had what it takes to tell you this to your face but I don’t so here it goes. I am gay. 

I really hope you are ok with it and still love me. That is the only reason I haven’t come out and said it is because I am scared. Scared that people will no longer want to be my friends of family. Scared that you would stop loving me if you knew. Its not something that I chose and if I could I would choose to be normal and have a wife and kids, but I can’t and I don’t want to lie anymore. 

I don’t like that I have to lie or just be quiet when you bring up a girlfriend or marriage. Number 1 I don’t want to lie to people and number 2 it really sucks having to hold back what I really want to say or talk about.

I have been “different” for a really long time. I just didn’t know that meant I was gay until probably junior high and even then I tried to make it go away. About a year ago I just kind of accepted it though. This probably isn’t 100% news to you, who else is 23 and never had a girlfriend?? For the record I have never been in a relationship, of any kind. I have always felt that I couldn’t date anyone without you knowing who I was. And I still do want to meet someone and get married and have kids. 

Lea, U, and B are the only people who I have told so far, and now you. I would really like if I could just be myself around all of my friends, coworkers and family. I don’t know how they would take it but it has to better than living a lie. 

I don’t know how or when I will ever tell dad. When I get there I guess I will cross that bridge. And I honestly don’t think he will take it as well as I am hoping that you are as you read.

I am really scared and shaky as I type this. If I had the courage to tell you this in person I would be crying like a baby right now. I just really need you to accept me and be there for me because support is something I don’t have. Please let me know that you got this email so I am not waiting around nervously for days anticipating what will happen.

If you don’t think that you can still look at me and love me the same please let me know. I don’t want to come back home for a visit where I am not wanted.

I love you

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Any input would be appreciated. I already decided I will need to send this on a night on which I do not work the next day so I can drink myself to sleep, because I don't think I will be able to do it naturally. haha.I did really good in keeping my emotions in check as I wrote this, until I got to the last 2 lines and then I almost lost it. I swear the only time I cry is when it relates to coming out. Otherwise I go years without doing so...

good night every one and thanks

religulous

Is actually a good movie.

Skip politics for now I want to talk about something else that I think about pretty often. Religion.

There has never been a time in my life that religion has played an important role. When I was little there was only 1 time I can remember going to church before we moved to Nebraska when I was 10. My mom took me and my brothers to a church that I had only seen in the movies. We went in and it started slow and church like, then everyone stood up and sang and clapped and danced around a little bit...it wasn't for my family. We didn't go to church again until we moved and then we only went because of family that also went and wanted up to go. I remember going to sunday school sitting there uninterested and feeling out of place. Its not like my parents were bad immoral people but with 3 kids the raise they both worked full time and church and religion were the last things on their minds. 

I have known since I was about 14 that I found God very hard to believe in. I remember once in 10th grade we were discussing evolution and I was asked in biology if I believed in evolution or creation, I responded that I believed in a combination of both,like God created a caveman like person who evolved into what we currently are today.

I am the type of person who needs to see something to put weight into it. I can not say with 100% certainty that God does not exist, just the same that no one can say with 100% certainty that he does. My problem with God is that I am expected to believe in something that has never been seen/photographed/proven to exist. When something bad happens the response is "it was Gods plan", or "God took him" when someone dies. And when something good happens it is "thank God" "this is all because of Jesus". It has nothing to do with all the practice and work some puts into something it has to do with what they do on Sunday mornings. If I accomplish something its because I did what I needed to do to get it done. If I fuck up and something bad happens or falls through then I know I need to try harder next time. 

Now the trouble with religion is the way that "christian" or "holy" people is the way that they act. There are ideals and values that they claim to live by and uphold yet some of them are the most hateful  disgusting people to walk the planet. 

***I am not denouncing anyone for what they believe, nor am I naive enough to think that every single religious person acts like this*** When I see stuff on tv or in the newspaper it really pisses me off and just turns me off to it more and more.

Please don't confuse my atheism with immorality. I consider myself a very moral person. I don't need any group or book to tell me what is right or wrong, I know is good and what is bad. And yes most of these are are social mores that are derived from the bible or religious teachings but I am not arguing that there aren't positives in religion. And of course the way that homosexuality is treated might have a little something to do with this. But anyway this is post I have thought about writing for a while and now it turned into a semi-rant and I contemplated deleting it but I just want to throw it out there so I can write other stuff.

Segue.

I had a wedding on Saturday that I was an usher in. This was the bachelor party that I went to last weekend and don't remember. It went really well and was a lot of fun. My tux ended up being a little bit big since I was fitted in November which was about 25lbs ago. It wasn't crazy big so it was ok. I also got drunk enough that I was dancing :\  which is something I never do. I have no problem slow dancing with a girl but I always take a seat during the fast songs cause I am white and have no rhythm. The best part was that I remember the entire wedding and reception. 

Here is my new drinking theme song:

I guess thats it for now, for the few of you who read this far in, thanks.ha. I plan on my next post being a draft of the email I will send to my mom to come out in cowardice because I can't to it face to face. And I'm tired of getting all emo when she talks to me on the phone and her constantly asking if everything is ok...........

well good night I guess

AIM

Just wanted to share my AIM with everyone. Add me, I actually like to talk to people. Ha. fenery1@gmail.com. Thanks y'all..... I'm feeling hickish

boobs

Hey everybody its been a while, as usual I guess. This last weekend I went to a bachelor party for a friend whose wedding I am in this weekend. First of all I only really know the groom and have only met most of the rest of the wedding party a few times. One of their favorite words to give each other shit is "faggot", which I have pretty much become desensitized to because it is never used in the context that would honestly piss me off. They are all really awesome guys, all but 2 of the other 7 guys there are in the air force together so they have that bond that I wish I had with a group of friends and they are accepting of people into their group. That being said my only fear was getting too drunk and making an ass of myself.
One of my New Years resolutions was to cut way back on my drinking and only drink on the weekends if I was going out. I have done that successfully. Less alcohol=lower tolerance. Since New Years I haven't really gone all out and partied and had fun. I knew I would black out if I drank too much so my plan was to pace myself and stay away from hard liquor. I did really good until about 11 when we got into the limo to go from one bar to the strip club.......
This is where I pretty much remember about 10 minutes of spotty memories. blackout.I remember walking in and paying my $20. blackout. Going in with a couple of the other guys and paying for a dance for the groom. blackout. I remember using the bathroom and the attendant giving me a paper towel. blackout. Talking to a guy I just met that night about the stripper in front of us. blackout. Texting B and U about how much I hated vagina.lol. blackout. Putting a dollar on stage and having to standup to "motorboat" a stripper. Yes for the first time in my 23.5 years of existence I touched breasts, it might have been with my face but none the less there was contact.haha. If memory serves ? it was pretty unexciting, but a milestone regardless. blackout. Its 9am, I am in the hotel bed and I have to use the bathroom. Use the bathroom and then go back to bed. I only got to sleep for about another hour before we got up to clean up a little bit and check out to go home.
During my drive home I have plenty of time to freak out because I blacked out. I started to lose black out at 11pm. We had our limo (which was a pretty badass Ford Excursion SUV) until 2:30am. Thats at least 3.5 hours of emptiness, not to mention drive time back to the hotel and the pizza boxes that were in the room in the a.m when I woke up. I drove home and was up for about an hour and then went back to sleep til 4pm, so I don't think I got much sleep that night. If I were a normal straight midwestern guy I wouldn't give a shit about my blackout due to being in a controlled environment not having to worry about driving and the such. But for some reason drunk me feels like coming out all the time, however I am usually sober enough to restrain.....
I freaked out about this for a few days, and then I realized I am done caring. If I told someone and still haven't had an angry mob with pitch forks and torches outside my balcony then who the fuck cares right????

Some of my drunk text conversations with B and U:

me-Vaginas gross me out.--to U

me-tits. touched my face.--to U

me-I don't want tits in my face.--to B

me the next morning- sorry for the drunk texts lol.---to B and U.

They were both responding and being awesome. Until it came time for them to go to bed, and for me to be in bed long before.

Thats all for now, kind of long post anyway. Next time I hope to post about politics :) which I love. peace out