For all practical reasons I am in what I call a functioning relationship. When it comes to me and my roommate Lea its as if we are a couple. We hang out together, we have the same friends, we work together (at both jobs), we know each others parents, we usually are just together. When we do something with friends that are couples it is expected that we will show up together, just the 2 of us, no other possible date. We were both in the wedding I blogged about recently, I as an usher and her has a bridesmaid. We received one invitation to our apartment, addressed to the both of us, no plus ones.This normally isn't an issue, I actually find comfort in not worrying about having to show up somewhere alone, as Lea is my expected "date". If you subtract the lack of "gay support" I have received from her I have mostly gotten along with Lea and been tolerant of her.Recently she has started a new job of sorts and thinks that she is better than everyone who is not on the same course as her. She has this "dream" (in her words) that she will be retired by the time she is 25. She has already put in her notice at the bar and plans on quitting her full time job within the next 2 years. Im glad she has a dream but I think there is a difference between her "dream" and a goal. She has become extremely arrogant recently and practically turns her nose up to me when I am not 100% behind her on every decision and move she makes. Anyway the other day, Monday to be exact, I was at work getting ready to hold a meeting and she called me and asked why I wasn't at work, I told her I was and that I was getting ready for the meeting, she got pissed that I didn't fold when she was questioning me and got off the phone and let me talk to my boss. Later she asked my I was being an asshole to her and nice to my boss, and I told her that I wasn't trying to be and was pissed that she tried to call me out and make me look bad in front of my boss, and that my boss writes my evaluation and gives me a raise so I was gonna be a little nicer to him. Thats when she made a comment about me not being as good as her for not having a plan to be retired in 2 years and being less than her. I was pissed and retorted with something to the effect of having a realistic goal in life. Since then we have talked once over the phone. And I am honestly ok with that. I don't really need that in my life and the really awkward part is that I live with her until my lease is up in 5 months...should be fun.haha
On another random note. One of the people who works for me died yesterday. I am normally not an emotional person, as I have stated before I honestly only cry when drunk and coming out. I can count on 1 hand the times I have cried in the last 4 or 5 years. But for some reason I can't shake this. I wasn't close to the guy but I still saw him 4 or 5 days a week and talked to him at work. And what really sucks is having to watch other people cope with everything. He was from another country and had no immediate family here so there won't even be a funeral in the states, which I had viewed as some sort of closure, so now I am unsure of how to feel. I really feel responsible. He was in a car wreck on his way home from work..... And I make his schedule. And I don't know, it just really fucking sucks. It wasn't even his fault, someone ran a stop sign and he swerved to not hit them and ended up hitting someone else head on. Died on the scene, meanwhile the car that ran the stop sign fled and hasn't been found. ASSHOLE.
I suck in situations where sadness is the expected emotional response. But because I feel so connected to it this time my emotions are all over the place. My natural reaction to everything is laughter, whether it be nervous and awkward in this situation, but then the next minute I want to cry and find myself holding back tears.
I don't know what to do so I am off to have a few beers and hang out with a friend from work. Have a good rest of the weekend.
Death is never an easy situation. Don't take this the wrong way but I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason. You making the schedule has nothing to do with his death. I hope the police can hunt down the person who ran that stop sign. That person is going to sit in a jail cell for a long time.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you and Lea spend a bit too much time together. My freshman roommate and I were ATTACHED at the hip until we started getting a little too used to each other. And it sounds like Lea is self centered with a mix of setting unrealistic goals for herself. Retiring by 25...why? That sounds so boring. Good luck with your living situation man, some distance will do both of you good.
Make it a good weekend!
I agree with AGD, Lea's plan to retire by 25 just sounds bizarre. What exactly is she planning to do with her life after that? Sit on a beach sipping pina coladas? And the fact that she looks down on you for not having a similar "plan" is ridiculous.
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear about your coworker. Try not to beat yourself up over it, you know there's no way this tragedy is your fault in the slightest. You did nothing wrong, whereas the guy who ran the stop sign broke the law and took someone's life because of it.
You cannot blame yourself for your co-worker's death, it was an accident, totally incidental to your schedule making. You had nothing to do with it, so don't guilt yourself as if you did. But you can feel sad for the loss, that's a normal reaction.
ReplyDeleteAs for your friend/roommate, while you want to be supportive, sometimes you have to look out for their interests by disagreeing with them. Having a dream is one thing -- but if that dream is totally unrealistic, the person is just setting themselves up for failure. She is too immature to realize that you are trying to help her out.
I had a friend who always wanted to be a vet, that was his dream. He had an excellent job at the local utility, that has fantastic long term benefits but he was willing to give it all up to chase his dream. He did not want to be you around corner vet serving household pets, he wanted to take care of big game animals. I asked him what's the financial payoff and likelihood he would be able to do that with his degree? But he got mad at me because I was putting up roadblocks to his dream; I was simply asking whether he could make a living doing what he wanted. As it turned out the demand for big game vets is very low -- he could do household pets but refuses since it's too boring taking care of cats and dogs.
He did find work that he loves at a wildlife center but he paid a steep price -- he basically ran thru all his savings to pay for vet school; his current job is a non-profit that doesn't pay much, he has trouble keeping up with his bills, there's no retirement and limited benefits, so he constantly worries about his financial future.
There's nothing wrong with having a good cry.
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