unsex life

It's been so long, sorry for that delay. I decided this post would be about my "love" life, or lack there of. Since I have never been able to talk to anyone about this it will be weird to type out but that's what you guys are all for. ( This post will probably be rambling all over the place, just fyi)
 I guess I will start with the fact that I am still a virgin. Yep at 23, which means I still have 17 years according to the movie.lol. Sex to me has always seemed awkward, probably because growing up I wasn't attracted to girls and denied being attracted to guys. There have been 3 girls that I have ever considered possibilities for dating or whatever but never did. 1 of them was a friend in highschool who I ended up hating but she had a reputation for being easy and I think that my thought process was if I just hooked up with her I would be straight or something but nothing came of that. The 2nd girl is also from high school and was the closest thing to a girlfriend I ever had. We went to homecoming and prom together and hung out a lot, again nothing ever happened and she is now one of my best friends. I really just liked her personality, not that shes not beautiful cause she is, but obviously no attraction physically. And 3rd girl I work with and talked to a lot with at work and I for some reason liked flirting with her and she flirted back and then one drunken night I was putting my hand on her leg and trying to get her to come home..in front of her boyfriend, ya I am an ass. Nothing resulted from that either.
I am actually very glad nothing ever came of these instances because I didn't want to force some faked relationship and then have to explain later when I actually come out how I felt about my "ex-girlfriends".
Now on to my even more limited gay list. When I was  in high school one of me and my brothers friends came over and spent the night. We were hanging out driving around and when it was just me and him in the car he reached over grabbed my hand and stuck it on his crotch and he was hard, then he reached over and put his hand on my crotch. I pushed it away and was freaked the fuck out. At this time in life I was just trying to figure what was wrong with me for not liking girls and wasn't sure what was going on. So we went back to my house and him and my 2 brothers watched a movie-National Treasure, I still remember,lol- and when it was over my brothers went back to their rooms to go to bed and since I had my bed plus a futon in my room "Drew" stayed in my room. While we were trying to sleep he asked me what I would do if I woke up with cum on my face, at this time I was like what the fuck and asked what he would do if the same happened to him. He than got off the futon and crawled under my covers and got on top of me and started grinding. We got naked and he started to blow me, that was awesome,lol, and then I decided I wanted to try it so I did and it was a little weird but not bad. Than we layed next to eachother and "helped each other out" then it got kind of weird. He got back on me and just grinded while kissing my neck, this went on for about 10 minutes and I just layed there wondering what the fuck was going on, I wasn't getting much out of it and was nervous cause it was the first time I'd ever done anything. Then we heard one of my brother open their bedroom door so Drew went back to the futon, when my bro went back to his room Drew tried to finish but I told him that I had to go to the bathroom. I went to the bathroom and remember looking at myself in the mirror and asking myself what the fuck I was doing. I went back to my room and told Drew I didn't feel good and he asked if that meant we needed to finish quick and I said no that means you have to leave.lol. I was scared and felt disgusted cause I knew what others would think if the knew. I actually slept in our spare bedroom for the next 2 weeks cause I didn't want to be in my bed again.

My 2nd and last attempt with a guy was a lot easier for me as I had started to accept my sexuality and kind of wanted to see where things would go. This was just last October. One of my roommates friends was down for his birthday so we were all drinking so me and "Morgan" ended up being the last 2 awake and we just hung out talking, drinking, and listening to music. Again I was drunk and things get a little shitty in my memory but here it goes anyway. I sat on the couch and Morgan came and sat next to me, like almost on my lap. I had enough liquid courage in me so I put my hand on his leg and he started rubbing my arm. I moved closer to his goods and leaned over and kissed my neck. At this point I was ready to go to my room so turned off the music and lights and grabbed Morgans hand and went to my room. Once there Morgan sat in my bed and passed out almost instantly. I was naked and ready to go and was working on his shorts when i looked up and saw him passing out. I told him to take his shirt off cause there were way to many buttons for my drunk ass.haha. He must have taken it off cause I know I didn't. I tried to blow him to get him to wake up and that didn't work, neither did trying to kiss him or anything. At this point I knew he was so fucked up he wasn't going to remember anything in the morning so put his boxers back on him so he would think he just took off his clothes to go to sleep. Then I went to bed, as predicted he didn't remember (or claimed not to). To clarify Morgan is married now, wasn't a year ago-in fact he wasn't even dating at the time, and has 3 kids, which is why that fact that what happened was surprising and why he claimed not to remember.

Thats it that is my lame relationship life. I have not had sex, and the couple times I did stuff were meaningless. I have also never been kissed....................yah dumb I know but sex/relationships have always seemed awkward and as gay as it sounds I want to do be with a guy who I really actually like and want to be with for more than a one night stand. I think I am ready for dating now I just want to know a guy before I get that far.  That's all for now sorry for the long post.