Merry Christmas!

Hey guys hope everyone is able to spend today with you families and loved ones. I am at my parents house in the middle of nowhere and couldn't be happier. I got off work early enough last night that I made it here intone to open presents with my family. A couple years ago we had a blizzard on Christmas eve an I was trapped out of town for 3 days. Worst Christmas ever.
Later today we are going to my Grandmas to have extended family Christmas which should be pretty fun.
So far this has been the best Christmas in awhile. And not because I got good stuff but because I got my family good stuff and I like when I am able to give something to them.
On a gay note last night my brothers were arguing and one of them called the other a fag, right away my mom yelled at him and told him to watch his mouth. Which I thought was pretty cool because I have never heard her get mad for anyone using that word. Now I just need to make it through this week when I get asked 77487437 times if I have a girlfriend and why not. And my mom has been in a kick about me getting married lately..... But it shouldn't be to bad. I'll just hang out with my little cousins, they have less expectations. Haha.
Anyway regardless of what you guys are up to today and whether you celebrate Christmas or not I hope you get to enjoy your day and time with your family.
Thanks and have fun!!

A new me

The past year has been the roughest, toughest, best year of my life. First off I accepted who I am early in 2011. Which was huge for me because I have been denying since I was about 15. In April, the 16th to be exact, I came out to Lea. On August 20th I came out to U and finally on October 15th I came out to my friend B. Way more coming out than I planned on a year ago.
Recently I decided that I am going back to school this spring. I feel like I am incomplete with out a degree and a less sophisticated human being. I'm not sure why I feel that way but its a goal that needs accomplished so I will do it.
One thing I really wanted to focus on was my physical changes recently. The week before I came out to U I was really depressed and couldn't do much of anything. Eating included. I lost a little weight that week and I felt good once I came out so I decided what the fuck I am going to keep this up.

One thing I do not like to talk about is how I look. I don't think that I am attractive, when I see myself I wouldn't expect anyone to look twice. I am not ugly (I think) just overweight, which by definition is unattractive.  I do not find fat guys appealing so why would anyone find me attractive???That was my thought process so I decided to change that in August. And I am actually doing it. Here are some pics......I have no idea why I am posting these. I have this fear that you guys will see what I looked/ look like and will stop reading. I know I haven't set up some false image if myself that I am shattering but that is pretty much the only reason I haven't discussed myself til now.....anyway here is a picture of me on vacation in Chicago a couple years ago.

Disgusting I know.

This is me tonight.

A little bit better in my opinion...actually 30lbs better since August. I know I still have some work to do. My goal is to lose another 30lbs by this summer. Sounds petty but I want to swim with my shirt off, something I have felt to uncomfortable to do since I was probably in the 3rd or 4th grade in Colorado.

And finally one more

This one is my favorite.. In the past 4 months I have gone down 5 notches in my belt. Now my belt is too big and I only wear it because it halfway keeps my pants up.
 In 6 months I turn 24 and I want to say that I am happy with my life. That I am fulfilled with pursuing my education and knowing I am doing something that will help me long term. I also want to feel comfortable with how I look and have guys look at me.

later guys--watch my previous video from tonight.haha

I want this

Hey guys,
 I saw this video and had to post it. Warning though, if you watch it your going to cry or at least come very close, or if you don't have a heart you will be fine.

Now watch it again.
and again.
That is my goal. I just want to be loved and more than anything love someone in a way that I never have before....now I am getting sappy.
Anyway enjoy the video, I am watching it again. And will do so until I go to bed.
good night.
ps- my broncos lost yesterday, fuck tom brady

screw settling

I have come to a 189% sure conclusion that I am starting school again this spring. I can not settle for my mediocre job with my less than pleasant life in the place where I live. I need to change all of the above and the first step on this path is to better myself with am education to get a better job that I will enjoy and want to go to everyday. I have always been interested in law and politics and am going to get my bachelors in political science. I have always thought I wanted to teach and that might be a fall back but I want more from life. I want to have a job with responsibilities and have an influence, obviously both qualities of teaching just not what I think I want anymore. I had some issues while I was in school before and come January I will be in good standing on my loan and after and come fall semester I will be eligible for loans and grants again so I will be able to get shit rolling for real, until then I will take classes at a community college.

The reason I am writing this is because I got "lectured" at work today. Not because I did anything wrong but because I am a positive person......exactly, what the fuck. There was an issue with some people I supervise and my natural reaction to everything is to see the positive in everything. So when I was told about the issue I gave a sarcastic laugh and said "ugh why do people say stuff like that". I knew the situation was serious and warranted a serious response but my laugh was a laugh of disbelief and frustration. Even when someone puked and it blew into my mouth this weekend, I laughed. Its just what I do. There is no reason to not try and be positive and upbeat about a situation once it has happened and nothing can be changed. I know that when I blog I vent allot of sadness and frustration, but this is my only outlet to do so, I have no living breathing person to vent this kind of stuff to, so this is a benefit of my blog. Don't get me wrong I am not the type of guy who is peppy and runs around with a huge fake smile plastered on all the time or anything like that, but there is no reason not to laugh at life, who will benefit from me walking around like an asshole yelling at people being serious all the time??? No one. So why would I want to continue to work in a place where having a personality is grounds for getting lectured. I would also like to point out that 85%  of the people I am over are older than me. I am 23 and in charge of 40 year old children.
This was not a tipping point to my decision, it was already made. I was just super pissed off after the whole ordeal and it cemented my decision and I wanted to vent.

One random thought. After watching the Real World tonight I think I want to go on to the show. 5 of the roommates became really good friends and were genuinely sad to see each other leave when the show was over. I have never had that sort of random people meeting and becoming awesome friends. And I really would like to meet people and be straight up with them as gay and them be ok with it and treat me as a human. And I would love to get away from life for 3 months and just hang out and have fun.
Until I make the cast, school here I come!!!

no more gay bar

Here are some highlights from my weekend when I decided to be responsible and be a designated driver, and how I will never do it again.

First off my wisdom teeth are gone. It only took 20 minutes for the surgeon to extract them. Afterwards I was coherent enough to not come out to my mom (I don't know why this was a fear, but it was petty and I was worried), I was however talking like I was drunk and my mom got a kick out of it. Today was the first day I was able to eat something solid and it was the best cheeseburger I have ever had. On Saturday morning I was still passed out from my drugs when I got a call from one of my old roommates. He was calling from jail and he needed someone to go pick him up. I went and picked him up and he told me that he got a DUI, pretty much for being stupid and taking the longest possible way home from the bar on the busiest streets, not that drinking and driving isn't stupid in itself. Anyway I went and picked him up and took him to his get his car out of the impound and then went to work.

When I got off work I went out with some friends for a birthday and volunteered to be DD since I was on pain drugs and didn't want to drink while on them. We went to a few bars and then ended up going to the gay club, as its the only legit dance club in the city. I'm not much of dancer, it looks fun but I'm not one to put myself out there..someday I will. Anyway while at the bar I was on "purse patrol" and watching the purses while everyone else was on the dance floor. I was ok with it as it gave me a chance to look around the bar and gauge the gay scene here. And I came to the conclusion that it isn't for me. I don't dress in drag. I don't wear super tight clothes. I don''t drink pink, sugary, blended drinks. I don't have any feminine qualities. I just don't fit in there. And I am 100% ok with that. Don't get me wrong there were a few hot guys in there but not as many as I would like.haha. One guy came up and started talking to me while he was getting a drink, he seemed liked a decent guy but once again I went to the gay bar with no one who knows that I am gay so there was another level of awkward added. I wish my area had a gay sports bar. I know there are a few of them in bigger cities around the country and they sound like a place that I could fit into pretty well.

                                                                    none of this

                                                                 more of this

Now here comes the humorous/disgusting part of my weekend. After the bar closed I had to fulfill my duties as the DD and take one of my friends home. She only had 5 drinks in the 4 hours that we were at the bar, and she was burning some of that off while dancing. I had a few drinks in the same amount of time and I felt 100% fine when we left. Once we got started down the interstate she told me she felt sick and to pull over. I had just passed an exit and wasn't going to pull over on the interstate, as I said I had a little to drink and cops usually stop when there is a car on the side of the road with a vomiting passenger. So I told her to go ahead and roll her window down and have at it. I want too concerned wit having to wash my car the next day. What actually happened was a disaster. **this is not for the faint or easily sickened** My friend started vomiting out the window as instructed. However, being inebriated, she forgot some laws of physics and momentum. Instead of looking towards the back of the car while getting sick she looked straight ahead...I was driving 65 down the interstate, needless to say it all went back into her face. From her face the wind pushed it back and the shit literally started to fly, everywhere. Everywhere includes my shoulder, my hair, my cheek, IN MY FUCKING MOUTH. I am not the type of person to get sick easily, I can see or smell all kinds of considerably disgusting stuff and be fin, however vomit is where the line is drawn. Puke evokes puke for me. I don't know what came over me but I was able to contain myself and just gag in between my laughs of disbelief and disgust. I dropped her off at home and felt bad for her cause all of it had blown back into her face and she looked sad and gross. haha. 

I got home took a picture of the side of my car and went to bed cause I had to get up and work early. When I opened my door the next morning I gagged instantly. I didn't realize that this girl practically totaled the interior of my car with her stomachs contents. I drive an SUV and there was shit all the way in the cargo area in the back, not to mention everything in between. Enough details. Obviously I needed to clean it up so i went to the car wash and power sprayed the outside for my full minute thirty my quarters paid for, and then I had to add a few more to finish the job. 

I spent my lunch hour with a pair of rubber gloves, carpet cleaner, paper towels, a scrubbing brush, and febreeze. It all cleaned up relatively easy, except the ceiling. Yes you read correctly, my ceiling was destroyed and took quite a bit of effort to clean up but I got it. I had 3 "new car" tree air fresheners in there for the past few days so the horrible smell is gone. 

I wasn't even mad at her which is weird cause when I think of someone else telling me the story I would have told that person they should be pissed and make the other person clean it up, which is what everyone has told me, but I don't feel like getting pissed over stuff if I don't have to for some reason lately.

I just wanted to share that with anyone who wanted to hear about something disgusting/humorous. Someday I hope I have a guy to tell you about but until then you will have to deal with my asexual existence. 

I found a Christmas tree today that I thought was awesome so I bought it and decorated it. It is the ugliest thing in the entire world but I love it and glad that I will have something to put up every year. Here is a pic:

Ugly right......If anyone knows where to get a Tebow tree topper please let me know.haha

I will leave you with this pic. I would rather watch guys make out and show actual affection for each than just watch 2 dudes paid to go at it with each other, just throwing that out there.haha

later

Blog vomit

This post is just a few random thoughts I have in my head today so please bear with me.
1st off I have to get my wisdom teeth "extracted" on Thursday. They are growing in at a forward slant and smashing into my other teeth which is causing some insane pressure in my mouth. I am really fine with all of this my only issue is that my mom is coming to take me to the dentist, yes I am still slightly a mommies boy, and I hear that people say some pretty ridiculous things when they wake up from being gassed for surgery. I just don't want my subconscious to get the best of me when I am high and just blurt out to my mom that I am gay....not really how I would like this conversation to happen. I am probably just being paranoid but hey what's new there.
Next up. Tonight Lea was watching teen mom and was in the room and we started arguing about parenting styles, as you can imagine there is some room for improvement from some of the people on the show. Apparently I would be to honest of a parent when letting them know they have made mistakes. Lea said "I am glad you will never have kids". She didn't say it in a mean way it's just the fact that she thinks gay guys can't have kids that git to me Obviously there are some differences in getting is we get them, like lack of ovaries, but it happens. And it will happen for me, I will have kids and me and my husband will be damn good parents. I'm not a huge fan of kids now but I know 117% that I want kids when I am ready.
And lastly sorry if I seem to whine on here. I have acquaintances on Facebook who constantly bitch about petty things and it irks the hell out of me. So I want to apologize if I portray myself in that way. I just come here to get out what I can't to anyone else. Blogger has become one of the best things in my life right now. I am able to get stuff off of my chest and I love the feedback. I check it regularly to see if any of they guys I follow have posted because I feel some weird similarities to them. I have never met any of them in person. But when I read what they have I feel less alone.
So thanks again to whoever reads this.
Peace out and the next time I write I will be down 4 teeth, but just because I'm in the Midwest doesn't mean they will be front ones.

This is what I want to have

damn u

I thought my sexuality was confusing enough. After hanging out with U this weekend I am completely fucking lost on where he stands. As I said I have accepted him a friend and nothing more, I am not going to waste my time holding on to some straight guy fantasy that has a 1 in 1 million chance of happening. Those were my perceived odds 2 days ago, now they seem alot better.
U and his gf came up Saturday and we were going to go to the elite 8 soccer game downtown. (anyone with google can probably figure out where I live now, but who cares). We got there Saturday and sat at the stadium in the snow for an hour. They announced the lineups and we were ready for kickoff when the decided to postpone the game until Sunday. assholes. We decided to do the only reasonable thing and hit up the bar at 2pm. We sat there for a long time and it kept snowing outside. U and gf decided they were going to stay in a hotel so they didn't have to make the drive again today. He instantly volunteered me to stay in the hotel with them, even though my house is 25 minutes away. I was down with it, it just meant more time hanging out at the bars. Anyway there were alot of times where there was like awkward eye contact and weird smiles. I have no idea how to explain it. I just know that I am not going to come on to him or make a move or anything because he knows I'm gay and I don't want to lose one of the few friends who I have came out to. But it was all just weird small things going on that caught my attention. After a long 10 hours at the bar we had enough and went to the hotel. Here is what really threw me off. We got a room with 2 queen beds and obviously I would have my own bed and U and gf would share. As we were getting ready for bed U was laying in his bed talking to me and gf was looking the other way doing her own thing. As we were talking he started to pull his pants down on the left side which is where I was, like pants and boxers. He was doing it slowly and while talking to and looking at me and he just kept going until he got to right above his junk and so could see a fair amount of ass cheek. I had no idea what to do or say so I just looked away.
what the fuck??????????????????????????????????????????
Its hard enough to not want more than friendship with him. If he were gay he would be the perfect guy. And if not I need to find the gay version of him. He looked really good yesterday, with and without clothes.haha.
I think gf is a really nice and all but I don't really see how U is dating her. Her sense of humor is extremely bland and she restates everything that she hears that she thinks is funny in a less than funny way that results in a forced laugh from U. I thinks that U just really wants to start a family and make his parents proud. They really want grandkids and U has had this ridiculous schedule he set when he was younger of a timeline to accomplish certain things, marriage and kids included. I just feel that he is sticking to it because it seems easier than coming out..
.
.
Anyway the soccer game was fun today, super cold but it was worth it.
Hope you guys all had a good weekend. peace out

Stupid feeling

I just got off the phone with my mom and I feel super depressed now. I just saw almost my entire family during Thanksgiving and had a blast at home. I talk to my mom on the phone a couple times a week but it's usually just short conversations. Once every 2 or 3 weeks we have a long talk on the phone and I visit home once a month. It's only a 2 hour drive but with 2 jobs it makes getting back difficult. Anyway I just talked to her and got this shitty depressed feeling as we were in the phone. She was updating me on stuff with my grandparents and brothers etc. and all I did was listen. I can't connect myself fully with anyone because I feel like I'm not being honest with them, even in conversation. There is stuff that I want to be able to tell people and express certain things but I can't so I just hold back. I have always done it I guess even at the bar with friends. Everyone would say "hey look at that chick" "damn she's hot" blah blah blah. And I would just agree or laugh. If I can't commit myself fully then I really don't want to try. So I have always been passive in conversations rather than come out or make up some blatant lies. I have enough of those without having to go out of my way.
Anyway I just wanted to tell my mom over the phone. Just to get it out there it get over the depressed feeling. Maybe she would be ok with it and everything would be awesome or maybe she would yell at me and condemn me and hang up but at least I would know and could move on to figuring actual romantic relationships out. I don't know that I will honestly try to date before my mom knows. I don't know where this is going I'm just tired of internalizing everything and since I don't really have someone close to talk to this works.
I'm supposed to go out for a birthday tonight but now I'd rather be emo and angry at home. Its also supposed to snow here tonight and tomorrow and I was planning on going to one of the quarterfinal games of the men's NCAA tourney tomorrow. Stupid Midwest winter.
Adios Amigos

Set ups

What's up???? I just wanted to talk about something that has happened alot recently. I am a manager at my job and am only 23 which means I supervise quite a few people that are older than me. There is one lady who keeps trying to set me up with her daughter. Her daughter doesn't seem like a bad person but I am obviously not attracted to her. I just laugh off the suggestion and tell her I am not dating her daughter. Her daughter recently got a job really close to where we work and is in there all the time. I always here comments from people that know about how good she thinks I look. Lol. And that she likes me. She tries to flirt with me and I do my best to just let it fade out. I don't feel the need to explain myself to anyone but at the same time I don't want the weird situations.
Then there is another girl a few years younger than me who is trying to we me up with her friend. Have never met the friend but she has seen me before while at my job and told her friend to set us up. The girl I work with has tried to show me pictures and stuff but I just laugh I off. I am glad I come off as straight but I really wish people would let me be me and keeps private life mine.
On a better note the other day at work I saw this hot guy wondering around my store. Than a little later I backed up into him on accident an he smiled and said "a little butt bump never hurt anyone". I was in a hurry and had to walk away but I was smiling. Haha. No that I would have made a move but if he would have said something I would have been ok with it even if I was at work.
That's all for now. Peace out and hope everyone is doing ok.

families reaction to gay stuff

I am at the stage where I need to come out to my family. I just really don't fell the need to tell anyone else unless they are related to me. even when it comes to family I am more focused with telling my moms side. I already know my dads side will be put off by it but who cares I rarely see them. Here are some things that my family has said/done when gay stuff has come up.
 To start off with here is a story that I mentioned in my last post. My moms first cousin Ann got married to Gene 30 or so years ago. They had 3 kids together and bought a house in a small town close to where I grew up. One day about 7 or 8 years ago Gene told Ann that he wanted a divorce cause he was gay. One thing I will never do is get married to a girl, I know it isn't what I want and its not fair to her. So in this aspect I think Gene was in the wrong, however my cousin Ann is a fucking cunt. It is amazing to me that Gene was so concerned with being shunned and disowned by his family that he hid himself for so long with such a horrible person. He does get props for that, I want to punch her in the throat after spending 30 minutes with her. Anyway he went about it the best way he could. Ann and her parents successfully turned the 2 youngest kids that still lived with her against their dad. They told him how disgusting he was and a whole bunch of wonderful things any teenager would like to hear about their father. Gene's parents even stopped talking to him for awhile. They are very religious and couldn't handle seeing him so he would only be invited to family gatherings if his kids were going to be able to be there. Ann's mom is just as big an idiot as she is, now I get that she would be pissed off that her daughter spent so much of her life on a guy who left her, but she would talk mad shit about Gene at any opportunity. Everything is alot better for Gene now, he is still with the same guy he started dating after he left Ann. All of of his kids are back to loving him and he is included in his own familys functions.
Now family reactions. Ann and her parents are verbally anti-homo. I understand their anger with Gene but they don't have to talk about homos so negatively. They are people who I avoid so I could care less what they say. Ann's 2 siblings still talk to Gene when they see him and have no problem with him.lol....like I said Ann is a bitch. The same goes for everyone in my moms immediate family, we all talk to Gene still when we see him and they keep in touch online. No one in my family has a problem with him being gay, or so they say which I am glad for.
This weekend I was talking about Christmas decorations with my Grandma and she said that Gene's "roommate" had decorated the apartment and put pictures on facebook (yes my grandma has facebook.....). here is our conversation:
gma-Genes roommate decorated the apartment with Christmas
me-Grandma they are not roommates
gma-well what do you want me to call them
me-boyfriends
gma-but they live together
me-yes, cause they are dating
gma-but I'm old and am supposed to say roommates
me-but they aren't roommates
gma-but they share a room
me-so do you and grandpa
gma-well fine then

haha. I don't know why I said anything it just bugged me a little when she said roommates. And then I told my aunt the story when my grandma was sitting with us and she laughed and she didn't really want to say boyfriends either and than her and my grandma went on something to the extent of "to each his own, and whatever makes him happy". Which I suppose is a good view, but when I come out and don't want brushed off to "each his own" status, I want included. I want asked questions, I want to bring my "roommate" to Thanksgiving and Christmas. It might seem immature but I am fine holding my presence at family functions ransom if it means not being able to go to stuff with the person I want.
Also I can't even recount how many times I was asked this weekend about my girlfriend or any girls or blah blah blah. I have seriously worried that I didn't play straight well enough. Now I wish someone would say "hey are you gay?", if it was in the right setting I would say yes. It would be easier then trying to figure out when I make that switch from lying to someone and go to telling them something they never would have assumed. It would be freeing if I could just go on facebook and change my interested in to guys, and update me status to "I like D, get the fuck over it"...haha someday.
another thing quick. I still have grindr, I don't know why, maybe I am holding out hope. Anyway I checked it when I was back at my parents just thinking that some how there would be another gay guy to graduate from my town in the last decade or so that would know what grindr was....Fuck was I wrong.lol the closest guys were always 35 to 40 miles away. Maybe my town has to much "straight" in the water. While I was typing tonight this guy started a chat on grindr, he had no pic but I like to give a chance and he was responding really quick but his grammar was horrible, as in 3rd grader with the capabilities of a 1st grader. I understand people don't always use perfect grammar, myself included, but this dude was bad. Then he sent a pic and I didn't respond after 4 minutes so he went crazy clingy and sent 3 messages in a 1 minute time frame......blocked. Dude, we have been talking for 6 minutes calm the fuck down. Not that I was expecting alot from grindr but he was crazy. haha
I always feel a little better after writing. good night all

wasted weekend

How was everyone's Thanksgiving?? Good I hope. Mine was awesome I don't get to spend time with my family alot so anytime I get to I enjoy.
I got to meet up with some of my old friends which was really fun since we are all old enough to drink and hit up the 1 decent bar in my hometown. Out of the 6 people I was with only my friend B knows about me. We never had a chance to talk just the 2 of us but I am ok with that.
   This morning I woke up and checked my blogger and I read a post from a blogger that has since been deleted. He is going through some shit right now which sucks for him cause its how I have been feeling lately too. I have been really depressed lately I guess just with the whole being gay thing. I try not to get down and I try to put on a front but I just can't keep it up all the time. Most of you have probably been there before. I just get tired of being different and lonely and wish I was heterosexually normal.
    When I was making one of my 2 hour drives for the weekend I had one though on my mind and it was the same as the blog I read to day: I wish I wasn't gay and since I can't help that I wish I would have kept my mouth shut and stayed in the closet so I could pretend to have normal life. Ya I would be lying to everyone else but when they looked at me it would be an objective, less judgmental look.
            That being said I am glad that I have told the people that I have especially U. He has turned out to be supportive and exactly the friend that I need. I know that he will be there for me and because of that I will continue to tell people. I really can't go back now as much as I wished I could and it isn't going to do me any good so sit around denying who I am. The one thing I know is that I don't want to wait til I am 40 and come out completely, why waste more time than I already have. There is a story behind that for another post.
          In my last post I set the goal of telling my mom...it is still a goal. I couldn't bring myself to do it. I don't know what it will take to get me there but I really want to tell her. I was going to do it Saturday but my family ended up going Christmas shopping and then I went to the bar with my cousin. So I was going to do do it Sunday before I left, but I was watching football with my Grandpa (GO TEBOW!!!!) and then my mom was with my cousin the afternoon. So I left feeling defeated and pissed off at myself. Then I was going through shit in my head and realized that i forgot something I needed I was only 15 miles from town so I turned around and called my mom and asked to meet me at the gas station a couple miles outside of town. On my way there I started to think that this was it, my mom was going to be alone, I could tell her and talk for a minute than get back in my car and drive off into the sunset.haha. I got the the gas station and got my shit and said bye. I thought about it more and realized that telling my mom outside of a gas station wasn't gonna help the situation at all. Then I got to sit in my car for my 2 hour drive home regretting not telling her and getting super angry at myself.
     Overall my weekend was awesome in the sense of seeing my family but as for getting myself in a better mentality it wasn't as good. My cousin asked me about my love life and I wanted to tell him but we aren't that close anymore and when I asked myself "Do I tell cousin?" my gut instinct was no.

My question for any of you guys that are out to your families is how did you tell your mom? I just need help with this one. I want to tell my family and a few more good friends and once I am at peace with that then I could care less about anyone else who knows.
thanks and later

ps. i know this video is everywhere right now but I like it and have watched it a couple times. I am not an overly emotional guy but it definitely brought a tear to my eye.....and oh yeah Go Broncos! haha

its been a while

Whats up guys?? Sorry for the slack in posting. My computer took a shit but I'm gonna try to stay up to date. I have a lot to throw out there but I don't think it will be all at once.
So I guess right now I will talk about U...I don't know how I feel about him anymore. I used to really like him which made talking to him leave me with false hopes that he was in the closet (which to be fair he gave off some weird vibes) and wanted to be more than friends. We have ended up hanging out every weekend for the last four weeks. It has gotten easier to talk to him about "gay" stuff and I think I have come to realize that all I need from him is friendship and he has become my best friend over that last month. When I think about guys to date or someone I would want to date i end up comparing them to him. Or just wishing they were just like him. He really is an awesome guy and I'm glad he is my friend and only a friend.
Next... I went to my first gay bar. And to make the experience more awkward it was someone who doesn't know I'm gay. haha. I was at a bar and my friend wanted me to go to the birthday party she was at. I decided to stop by cause #1 I wanted to go to a gay bar and #2 it was on my way home, I wouldn't have gone if it was out of my way. My only complaint was that it was a dance club and they went a little overboard on the fake fog, it was stuck in my nose hairs in the morning. Overall it was a really good experience. I'm not much of a dancer anyway so its not like I was restraining myself to stay in the closet but everyone seemed to be having fun and it was cool to see a place where guys could dance and kiss in public in the midwest and people not make comments under their breath. I was the one who had to go to the bar and get drinks because my wait in line was much less than the couple girls who went.lol.  I didn't get hit on at all, at the same time I didn't try either. And I don't think I looked the most inviting. I was kind of just taking it all in. U is supposed to be coming to town for a bachelor party this weekend and when they go to the strip club he is going to ditch them (cause he's "not a fan of titty bars") and I think we are going to head to the gay bar again, and hopefully it will be a lot more comfortable.
And last but not least..........................................I think I am going to come out to my mom over Thanksgiving. I don't know why I just feel this need to do it when I am home. I only get there once a month and I don't want to do it over Christmas because I won't be home more than just Christmas Day, and I don't think I will be able to keep it in much longer. Its not that being gay is always on my mind its the fact that I am lying and keeping a secret and it is consuming me. I just can't think about much else. It's kind of dragging me down and I have been edgy towards people and I have a feeling that once I tell my mom I can tell more and more people and I will feel "free". I don't know maybe its wishful thinking. I don't even know how to bring it up to my mom, I have decided that it doesn't ever just come up naturally.lol. I don't want to do it in a letter, or a text, or facebook. I need to see that snap reaction from a person to see how they honestly feel about it. Where as if it is through text/fb/letter than they can hold back and sugar coat it or something.idk
anyway I have to go and watch Tebow and the Broncos kick the Jets ass. Ill write soon this time

school or work.....

I haven't been in school for 2 years. I went to community college right out of high school and got a part time job to pay rent and bills. My roommate ended up bailing on me so I had to pay all the rent and shit so I went full time at work and focused on my immediate need for money in the situation rather than on the long term goal of getting a degree and a career. Not to mention that I had no idea what I wanted to do when I graduated HS. I had always wanted to be a doctor and when I graduated I had some scholarships for that so that was my declared major at first but it wasn't for me. Then I wanted to be a teacher but wasn't sure so one semester I just didn't enroll for classes again.
Now I have been at my work for 5 years and my managers approached my about a promotion. I am as high as I can go in the company without becoming a full fledged manager, which is a big commitment. I pretty much hate my job now and would have to take on more bull shit if I went for the promotion. At the same time I am ready to go back to school next semester. I am still not very financially stable but my car is almost paid off so that will be an extra 300 bucks a month I will have.
The question is go for the promotion and the 40 Gs a year to start with in a job I probably won't like at all. Or go back to school step down from my position at work so I have time for class and go into debt for a decade or 2. I tell myself the obvious answer is to go back to school and have a degree in 3 years. And its what I really want to do and always have wanted to. But the thought of the money right now and being financially stable is a little enticing. I really think that I will go back to school but there are repercussions at work if I do that because it will look like I "gave up" when I step down from my job to make time so going back up wouldn't be easy if I wanted to. fuuuuuuck. Too much going back in forth in my mind. I don't even know why its a choice I know what I should do plus I want the experience of meeting people at college....
On a lighter note I think I am going to Mardis Gras in February down in New Orleans so that should be fun and I can't wait to party.

Grindr and unrelated junk

Seems like its been forever since I posted. This is post 20 and I have 1500 page views. Thank you all for making this worth it.
 I have this weird love/hate relationship with Grindr and I guess I want some input. I used to have a droid phone and I downloaded grindr and chatted to a couple guys but nothing ever came of it. I'm not ready for random hookups so I didn't really pursue anything or really put much effort into flirting back. I decided that I didn't want to have a random hookup be my first time so I deleted grindr and stopped checking out craigslist.
When I got my new phone I downloaded it again, then deleted it, download, delete, download, etc. Then when I went to my friends last week I wanted to check out guys in the area I guess so I downloaded it. Since then I have kept it and had a few guys send the usual "sup" and "got a pic". I didn't upload a pic because I don't think I'm exactly attractive, not that I'm completely ugly. But I didn't even put together a profile its just a name so its not like these guys are into my personality. But at the same time I don't know any gay guys so I don't know how to approach the situation. And I probably sound like an idiot lol but these are the things I think about.
I usually look a situation and over analyze it in every possible way. I will think about how one person would react, then what they would say, to who they would say it, and what I would say. Then I would turn and look at the situation from what if the persons reaction were different. Its fucking draining to go through all the scenarios in my head but if I'm not actively involved in a conversation with someone then I am processing a random situation and outcomes. So any advice would be appreciated.
I'm watching the real world right now and the bi dude on there is a fucking idiot. It's a good thing the lesbian chick is there so people don't think all gay/bi people are douches. Some of the roommates on there have apparently never seen 2 dudes kiss before and freaked out about it. I was starting to think most people in their twenties were pretty ok with homosexuality but somehow MTV managed pick 3 of the remaining phobes and stick them on tv.
Thats all for now I guess. And if you emailed me and my lazy ass still hasn't responded I am sorry am going to do it with in the next couple days. later guys

Heres some pics of Kellan Lutz, yes he is from douchey twilight, but look at that body.lol

Even clothed he's hot.

Fuck you Sunday Funday

I think I am going to curb my drinking for a bit. I have become "that guy" who can't stop and ends up blacking out. But it's not like I black out 5 minutes before I pass out for the night. Nope. I still have usually 3 or 4 hours left in me. And it sucks not knowing what an ass I made if myself for a few hours. Not to mention the fact that drunk me wants to come out to any and everyone. Last night I wanted to come out to my bosses stepson. Idk if I did but I hope not. I don't think an openly gay bartender would go over well where I work.
I seriously don't even remember paying my tab going to get food or going home. Also I'm pretty sure I'm still drunk as I sit here at work. Fuck. I hope my boss stays away for a while.
Hope you guys have a better Monday than I am.

Last night

I failed my mission. I was gonna come out before we went out to eat and bar hop. Then I ended picking up another friend so I could be a dd. which just meant best drunk driver. Lol. So we ate and went to the bar and it was on my mind the whole night. I ended up only having a couple shots and a few beers so I wasn't drunk and neither was my friend "B". So I was gonna do it after last call. But we ended up going to her friends and played rock band for a few hours than went back to her place and passed out. Fail.
Then today we woke up and were taking and we started talking about religion and politics an how she is no longer sure about her religion. And I was really nervous cause the conversation was heading to a point where it would make sense to come out. Lol. So I just blurted out "sit downi have something very important to talk to you about". Then I said I was nervous and that the 2 reasons I had come to town was for our friends birthday and to talk to her. I was shaking like I was having a seizure and I just said I'm gay. And she was like ok, it doesn't change anything. I was relieved and there was an awkward second where she didn't know what to say and I was just kind of laughing at her. Then out of left fucking field she said that since we were spilling our guts she has to tell me that she had been questioning wether or not she was bi..... It was a nice surprise, and it made me feel even better. Then she just asked me a few questions like how long I have known and if I have had any relationships and shit. It was really good.
Then I had to make the 3 hour drive home so I could get back in time to bartend tonight.
Overall it was a good trip, there were alot of hot college guys at the bar which I don't get to see around here. But of course they were probably all straight.
Time to work
Peace out

Tonight

I am coming out to a friend from high school. She will be the first person from the small town I grew up in to know. It will give me a gauge of how the farm town people will take it.
I am also gonna do it sober before we go out to the bars. And it's a college town so maybe I will meet someone. Lol.
She is also the closest thing I had to a girlfriend( I talked about her in my unsex life) so that might make it a little weird but who cares.
Shit I'm nervous. Got a 3 hour drive. Later

So this one time I got drunk........

I don't remember much about last night, so I will call it a success. Haha. I wish I didn't black out so easily but at least I know I had a pretty good time. I did something way out of the ordinary and hit on some dude????? Thats how much I drank.
To start with I was at a wedding reception with one of my old friends, we will call her M, she went as my date. It was open bar so I was hitting the keg beer pretty hard. After a while me and M went to the bar and met up with a couple more friends. I kept drinking beer and some random guy bought our table a round of shots. I caved in and had a drag of a cigarette after quitting and not having a smoke in a month. Anyway while everyone else was outside smoking this dude came up to me and started talking about football and than he went back to his table to sit alone. I was drunk and this guy seemed cool so I decided I wanted to see what could happen. I had no idea if he was gay or bi but I had a mission and I was gonna try. He walked by our table again a little later and said something to us so we invited him to come sit with us. The 2 people I was with now have no idea I'm gay so its not like they were helping me or anything. Last call came around and this dude, we will call him Nathan, asked if we wanted to go drink some more at his place. I was obviously up for it but my friends rode together and one of them is married and has a kid so they went home and I followed Nathan to his house. We drank outside and talked about high school stuff cause we went to high schools that played each other in sports and were relatively close. I had invited Lea over and she came over with one of her friends and we all sat around drinking. Than moved into the garage for some reason and thats were I sat on the floor and passed out. Lea decided I had had enough to drink so we were all gonna leave. Lea and her friend were gonna follow me and Nathan back to where I was staying, he drove cause I was obviously worse off than him. So on the drive he needed to adjust my steering wheel so reached over and unlocked it and when I was done I put my and on is knee and drug it up to his thigh before I took it off kept my hand to myself. Than once he had it at the right height I locked it and did the same thing with my hand. He didn't say anything either way but I stopped and we were almost at my friends and then I passed out. I was freaked the fuck out while I was doing it but I wasn't gonna stop.LOL. It was nothing major but Nathan was a pretty decent looking guy and he didn't object or freak out. I doubt I will see him or talk to him again so it doesn't really matter. I'm not the best at meeting people so the fact that I decided to go to some random guys house for whatever reason is different. You probably think this is lame as shit, cause it is but for me it was a small step. It will happen someday. And hopefully I do more that rub some dudes leg.
Did anyone catch the Broncos game today? It was an ass kicking until they took out Orton and put in my boy Tebow. Then we only lost by 2.haha. And my college team won, it was close and a comeback that was apparently awesome but I missed it cause I was at the wedding. Anyway here is a fucking awesome band, this song gets stuck in my head all the time. If you haven't listened to Mumford and Sons give them a listen, I always think about coming out when listening to them

also I am at over 1000 page views, thanks to all of you for reading.

WTF

I think I'm about to lose. Lol

location: middle of nowhere

I am at my parents house for a couple nights cause I have a wedding to go to. I'm not sure how much I have explained the town I grew up in so I'll do it quick. "Ftown" has about 1100 people according to the census but we also have 2 assisted living facilities and a nursing home so I think that the actual contributing population is less than 1000. Everybody knows everything about everyone else. I would say it is your typical small town and in a many ways I actually like the place. Obviously everyone here is pretty close minded and has no problem saying bigoted things, because everyone is basically the same so who can they offend, right? Its not something that gets to me too much, its the way everyone here was raised and its the way they choose to raise their kids. So rather than go on a crusade to change everyones opinions and ways of life, I chose to leave the town and I rarely visit.
When I was in high school I wasn't in the popular crowd of jocks, and I didn't get along with most of them. But I was well liked through out the school and the town. Everyone knew me and knew I was a good kid. I was chosen to be president of the local FFA chapter. (for those of you who have no idea what that is it is an agricultural and leadership organization). I was a town kid and knew very little about ag but I guess I excelled in the leadership aspect and always did the right thing. I also was elected as homecoming court my senior year, which pissed off the popular crowd cause I didn't play football and they didn't think it was fair. Anyway I didn't win, I swear it was rigged cause the principals son did.haha. Anyway Ftown was an alright place to grow up, and I have alot of the "small town values" instilled in me which have helped me alot in life since leaving.
Back to what I wanted to write about, my relationship with my parents.
I have pretty much always had a good relationship with my mom. She was always the more easy going of my parents which I took advantage of growing up and argued with her alot. She has always been there no matter what the issue or situation was and I think she always would be no matter what. I remember once my brother got in trouble with the cops for drinking(happens alot) and my dad said something to the effect of not loving him anymore and my mom was pissed and said that he couldn't love his son with conditions and that her love was unconditional. Which is why I 99% think she will be ok with me coming out, but right now fear keeps me from doing it.

My dad and I have always had a very shitty relationship. For most of my high school years I would have told you that I hated him. I 100% could not stand him and would think to myself why couldn't my mom have married someone else. He had his days of being an alright guy, but it was mostly him being an asshole and he pretty much wanted us to fear him. He had no reasoning for the punishment he would give us and would not listen to anything we had to say. If he wanted something done in a week he would ground us until it was done, for example if it was Monday and he wanted the garage cleaned out on Saturday he would ground us on Monday until we got done on Saturday. He didn't give us the chance to prove ourselves to him he always expected the worst. I'm not writing this for pity or anything, this didn't traumatize me and cause long term affects. I think if I would have wallowed in how I felt about him and our relationship I would have become depressed and that is losing and I won't let him win. Just a couple more stories about him I want to get off my chest. Once during an argument my parents were have my dad came to me and said "do you think me and your mom should divorce?". "Yes" was all I could say. That is hoe much I hated him. So he packed his shit the next night while my mom was at work and before we went to bed he came upstairs to say good bye cause when he left for work the next morning he wasn't coming back. Even though I hated him I still cried at the situation and my little brother was devastated and when it came time to do it my dad couldn't and stayed.  He seemed better for a while but it didn't last. During my senior year we had to record a message about our parents that would be played overhead at a ceremony. I talked about my mom and how she was always there and helped with whatever I needed and when it came to my dad I lied and said thanks for always being there when I needed to talk. I don't even think my dad showed up for that event so it didn't matter. But thats what I felt. Since I graduated and moved out he has gotten easier to get along with, but I only see him once a month so it all works out. I do not think that my dad would accept me if I came out. When my dads side of the family was intown for my brothers graduation they were talking about a relative who had recently died from AIDS and how he deserved it and was going to hell because he was gay. It sucked to sit there and hear that because it was before I accepted who I was and it made me go way to the back of the closet.
Like I said way at the top of this post I have a wedding to go to tomorrow. My dad asked what I thought about all my friends getting to married and moving on and whatnot and all I could say is that they were stupid.lol. I do want to get married but not anytime soon, I should probably date first, and I want to wait until it is legal for me to do it in the state where I live. Than the conversation turned to who my date is-no one. And than whose hows I as staying at, with the undertone of "whats her name?" My grandma also talked about my getting married today.
I have always worried that people think I am gay. But apparently I am an awesome liar. haha not really a good trait to be proud of but its gotten me this far.

Well that is my ramble of random shit loosely related and put together in yet another long post. Hopefully I can catch a little football tomorrow in between all the wedding shit. Hope you all have a decent weekend, and if you have emailed me I plan on responding Sunday. later
something random to look at.lol

I hate my back.

I can usually handle pain pretty well. Not that experienced much of it as I have never needed stitches or gone to the dr for a broken bone. Once I was completely wasted and got into a wrestling match with a friend and got flipped off the bed and broke my toe. But according to my mom (a nurse) there's not much that can be done for a broken big toe so I just limped around for a while. It's been about 2 years since and I still can't bend it all the way. Anyway back to pain. I can usually man up and deal with it but this is different. I am currently on day 2 of a back spasm. And besides whiney comments every 30 minutes I was dealing just fine. No troubles walking or sitting or lifting. Than an hour ago some douche pulled on my arm which jerked my back around. I immediately wanted to vomit. I never want to cry when I get hurt, just puke. I'm weird. Once I got home I fell on my bed and couldn't move. It hurts to breath. It took me 10 minutes to get up to get some pain killers. ( this is me whining. Lol). My night is over and I'm laying in bed watching Netflix on my iPhone and blogging. I'm supposed to go take a hot shower and stretch shit out but it's a long ten feet to the bathroom.....
Guess I better try.
Thanks for sharing in my agony. Lol just tell me stop whining in the comments.
Night.



Ps. RIP Steve Jobs :(

U

So awhile ago I said I would talk about my attraction to U. Sorry if it gets confusing I don't know what the hell I was thinking using U as nickname but here we go.
I met U about 3 years ago at a work/charity BBQ I was in charge of. We had volleyball and basketball tournaments and U is my boss' cousin and was supposed to play on his team. Well my boss didn't show up so I volunteered to replace him and play with U and one of my other friends/boss for some 3 on 3. We ended up getting 3rd because I suck ass at bball. Anyway move on to volleyball and we kicked ass.haha. The first time I saw U I thought he was fuckin hot, and was glad that my boss didn't show. Anyway a few months later he ended up coming to a party at my friends house and he was trying to get in this girls pants so they were playing strip pong so I had to try very hard to make it obvious that I was checking him out shirtless, which by the way was very difficult. We ended up hanging out randomly in groups of friends for about a year during which I just thought he was hot. I ended up playing volleyball with his cousin/my boss on a summer league and U's parents were on the team also. Weird but they are fucking legit at volleyball and we did good throughout the season. U ended up hanging out with us alot seeing as how he was related to half my team. Through volleyball (which was at a bar.ha) and drinking after we ended up hanging out and we had some other academic similarities that we would talk about. And he is also the only other person I know who is somewhat passionate about politics, I love politics by the way. So through all this we became good friends and I started to like him more than just thinking he was hot. This past summer I jumped ship and joined his volleyball team so we would hang out weekly and I would seriously get a little depressed when he wouldn't hang out after the games cause he was a main reason I went. Lame ass I know.
Anyway after our all day tournament we decided to get pretty wasted, pretty early. I told him I was gonna stay at his place cause I wasn't driving and we were joking around all day about who was gonna be big spoon. He ended up pissing his girlfriend off (yah he has a gf). And so he started to walk home and I had to get all his shit and mine and go out to the parking lot. His gf had to drive us home so I went and got in the front, U was in the back laying down. One of the things U forgot at the bar was his cowboy hat. I decided to wear it obviously, and when I got in the car he sent me a text and said that it looked sexy on me. I would usually just laugh it off cause I'm always worried if I play gay back that it will make people think twice. However I was drunk and pretty much in love with this guy so sent him a text back and said that I was wearing it just for him. Then he told me to get in the back seat.lol. I didn't. When we got back to his place his girlfriend was still a little pissed so she pretty much left right away. U stripped down to his boxers right away which I enjoyed as he has a nice swimmers cut body, and I wasn't concerned about not looking. he then told me his dick was falling out the front but I missed it. damnit.It was bed time so we walked down the hall towards the bedrooms when U stopped to give me options where I could pass out. They were as follows: the couch in the basement, the pink 70's couch in the living room, in the spare room on the futon, or in his bed if I wanted to that would be ok with him. I am shy so I picked futon and went to pass out alone. I was laying there just thinking about everything when I heard a crash which was U rolling onto the floor.lol. I kept thinking and got up with the intention of going into his room and telling him that I was gay. I got up, and walked to the bathroom, where I pissed and talked myself out of it. I walked back by his room and he was laying on the floor so I asked him if he was ok and he said ya and told me to go lay with him. I can only say no so many times.lol. So I went and layed on the floor with him and he covered my up in the same blanket as him. There was no spooning or touching but just being that close to him and his breathing was comforting and relaxing. Then I went to sleep hoping I would wake up with his arms around me and of course that didn't happen. The next day he apparently had very little memory of even pissing his gf off....sigh

Anyway about 2 weeks later I came out to him and I think I was expecting him to profess his love to me or something. As we all know that didn't happen and he gave me some good advice and told me if I ever wanted to go hangout in more liberal parts of town he would be down but I have tried to invite with no response...I'd like to think is so in love with me and doesn't want to accept it that he can't talk to me. haha.
anyway this is a way long post and I am starting to get over U, I guess its easy when he is acting like a douche.
later dudes

have you guys seen this video its pretty funny.

Weekend recap.

Hows it goin guys?? Hope you all had a good weekend, mine was a little disappointing, for petty reasons that you are about to read about.
Let's start at Friday. I got my new IPhone! It's pretty sweet so far and I feel so elite with it. Lol not really but it is cool. So I also went to the bar on Friday with Lea and she made some comment about me being a dick to her the last month or so and it being undeserved. So on the way home I said you really don't know why I hate you you? She said no and than I pretty much let her have it. I told her that she replaced the words dumb and stupid with gay and it was fucked up cause it started after I told her. I told her it was like she was stabbing me every time she said it ( dramatic, I know) she apologized with some half ass sorry and I kept going an told her that she was one of 2 people I felt comfortable enough to tell and she has no regard for how I felt when she said that shit. She also denied saying fag and faggot ever... Then we started talking about how depressed I have been lately and how shitty lifes been. And she proceeded to tell me my life isn't that bad, and blah blah cause she knows what it's like to lie for years to everyone. Moral of the story is she apologized and I still came out of the situation pissed off.
Saturday--- my college team got their asses kicked. Not even close. For some reason I get pissed off when my teams lose but I get over it fast. Than me and Lea had a birthday party to stop at so we went and I tried to buy the birthday girl a drink but got told no cause she already had to much, Lea's response "that's gay". Awesome.
I know I shouldn't expect much from some people but it was less than 24 hours since our last talk.
Today was fun. Went and played some tennis with a couple friends and I got a really old dryer from my grandparents, but it works which is all that matters since mine took a shit a couple months ago. Good bye laundry mat. But today my Broncos got their asses kicked as well, Im gonna have to pick new teams or stop being so loyal.....I'll just stick with them and see if they can pull it out next week. I wish I had some interesting hook up story for you but I don't. Lol I wish so that you had something to read and I'd have someone to hookup with. Thanks for the emails guys I really get alot out of them and they make my day a little better. I actually got 2 of them within 8 minutes last night, my phone was blowing up. And as promised TB I read your blog in about an hour tonight. It was really good. I guess that's it everyone so have a good week. (even though I plan on writing tomorrow)
Here is my "new" 30 year old dryer.

Tight pants

Just a quick post, I'm at my local holein the wall farmers bar. And because my dryer is out of commission I have only 1 pair of jeans. When I bought them they were straight legged, and after washing them they became my emo jeans I try not to wear. Lol. I alwayys feel out of place here but add in jeans so tight my balls hurt and I stick out.lol good thing this place is empty....also Pitt is kicking the shit out of Southern Florida, I hope they enjoyed being in the top 25. That's all. I can't wait to get home and let my junk breath.lol

unsex life

It's been so long, sorry for that delay. I decided this post would be about my "love" life, or lack there of. Since I have never been able to talk to anyone about this it will be weird to type out but that's what you guys are all for. ( This post will probably be rambling all over the place, just fyi)
 I guess I will start with the fact that I am still a virgin. Yep at 23, which means I still have 17 years according to the movie.lol. Sex to me has always seemed awkward, probably because growing up I wasn't attracted to girls and denied being attracted to guys. There have been 3 girls that I have ever considered possibilities for dating or whatever but never did. 1 of them was a friend in highschool who I ended up hating but she had a reputation for being easy and I think that my thought process was if I just hooked up with her I would be straight or something but nothing came of that. The 2nd girl is also from high school and was the closest thing to a girlfriend I ever had. We went to homecoming and prom together and hung out a lot, again nothing ever happened and she is now one of my best friends. I really just liked her personality, not that shes not beautiful cause she is, but obviously no attraction physically. And 3rd girl I work with and talked to a lot with at work and I for some reason liked flirting with her and she flirted back and then one drunken night I was putting my hand on her leg and trying to get her to come home..in front of her boyfriend, ya I am an ass. Nothing resulted from that either.
I am actually very glad nothing ever came of these instances because I didn't want to force some faked relationship and then have to explain later when I actually come out how I felt about my "ex-girlfriends".
Now on to my even more limited gay list. When I was  in high school one of me and my brothers friends came over and spent the night. We were hanging out driving around and when it was just me and him in the car he reached over grabbed my hand and stuck it on his crotch and he was hard, then he reached over and put his hand on my crotch. I pushed it away and was freaked the fuck out. At this time in life I was just trying to figure what was wrong with me for not liking girls and wasn't sure what was going on. So we went back to my house and him and my 2 brothers watched a movie-National Treasure, I still remember,lol- and when it was over my brothers went back to their rooms to go to bed and since I had my bed plus a futon in my room "Drew" stayed in my room. While we were trying to sleep he asked me what I would do if I woke up with cum on my face, at this time I was like what the fuck and asked what he would do if the same happened to him. He than got off the futon and crawled under my covers and got on top of me and started grinding. We got naked and he started to blow me, that was awesome,lol, and then I decided I wanted to try it so I did and it was a little weird but not bad. Than we layed next to eachother and "helped each other out" then it got kind of weird. He got back on me and just grinded while kissing my neck, this went on for about 10 minutes and I just layed there wondering what the fuck was going on, I wasn't getting much out of it and was nervous cause it was the first time I'd ever done anything. Then we heard one of my brother open their bedroom door so Drew went back to the futon, when my bro went back to his room Drew tried to finish but I told him that I had to go to the bathroom. I went to the bathroom and remember looking at myself in the mirror and asking myself what the fuck I was doing. I went back to my room and told Drew I didn't feel good and he asked if that meant we needed to finish quick and I said no that means you have to leave.lol. I was scared and felt disgusted cause I knew what others would think if the knew. I actually slept in our spare bedroom for the next 2 weeks cause I didn't want to be in my bed again.

My 2nd and last attempt with a guy was a lot easier for me as I had started to accept my sexuality and kind of wanted to see where things would go. This was just last October. One of my roommates friends was down for his birthday so we were all drinking so me and "Morgan" ended up being the last 2 awake and we just hung out talking, drinking, and listening to music. Again I was drunk and things get a little shitty in my memory but here it goes anyway. I sat on the couch and Morgan came and sat next to me, like almost on my lap. I had enough liquid courage in me so I put my hand on his leg and he started rubbing my arm. I moved closer to his goods and leaned over and kissed my neck. At this point I was ready to go to my room so turned off the music and lights and grabbed Morgans hand and went to my room. Once there Morgan sat in my bed and passed out almost instantly. I was naked and ready to go and was working on his shorts when i looked up and saw him passing out. I told him to take his shirt off cause there were way to many buttons for my drunk ass.haha. He must have taken it off cause I know I didn't. I tried to blow him to get him to wake up and that didn't work, neither did trying to kiss him or anything. At this point I knew he was so fucked up he wasn't going to remember anything in the morning so put his boxers back on him so he would think he just took off his clothes to go to sleep. Then I went to bed, as predicted he didn't remember (or claimed not to). To clarify Morgan is married now, wasn't a year ago-in fact he wasn't even dating at the time, and has 3 kids, which is why that fact that what happened was surprising and why he claimed not to remember.

Thats it that is my lame relationship life. I have not had sex, and the couple times I did stuff were meaningless. I have also never been kissed....................yah dumb I know but sex/relationships have always seemed awkward and as gay as it sounds I want to do be with a guy who I really actually like and want to be with for more than a one night stand. I think I am ready for dating now I just want to know a guy before I get that far.  That's all for now sorry for the long post.

ignorant people

Watch this:

This fucking pissed me off. Not necessarily that Santorum made this question about sex instead of orientation, because I already knew he was a bigot bastard.  But the fact that the audience booed a man who puts his life on the line to fight for them. Fucking douche bags.

coming out #2

Thanks to socrkid17 for the shout out!!! Its nice to have readers and followers.
You have read about my coming out to Lea and now I want to talk about my coming out to U. He is the only other person who knows about my being gay. One night while drunk I was texting you and said that I needed to talk to him and that is wasn't something that could be said over texts so he decided to come and visit me the next weekend. Saturday came and U showed up at my house so we decided to go and have dinner at a bar in the downtown area where I live and start drinking. After dinner we went to an Irish bar with live music and it was fun, I had my first car bomb.lol. The whole time we were there I was just trying to to play out the conversation in my head, how would I start it, when should I tell him, is he going to be as accepting as I thought, is it going to be an awkward ride home? So I decided to wait even longer...We traveled closer to home to finish off the night to the bar that I work at part time in my neighborhood. I thought that a couple shots and a pitcher of beer each would be enough liquid courage to get what I needed accomplished. Once we got home we went on the patio..cause Lea was home and sleeping and at the time I didn't tell her my plans. Once outside the alcohol kicked in and my memory gets a little spotty, which is the most frustrating thing about the situation cause I would have liked to remember something so important, but lightweights can't be choosers.haha.
 From what I remember: We were making small talk and I said I need to tell you something and he said go for it so I said "What if I told you I was gay?" His response "it honestly doesn't matter" I felt awesome at this time. Then we started talking about how his current girlfriend has a lot of gay friends and that if I was ok with he was going to tell her so that if I ever needed to I could talk to her gay friends, drunk me said ok. Then we talked about a mutual friend who has a lot of gay friends and he said I should tell her, which I have thought about but I don't know her real well and I am friends with her brother. We were out there for a while and all I don't remember much more. At one point we were hold hands, in a reassuring way, which for some reason I have done both times I came out. maybe it's so they can't run. I also remember him reassuring me over and over it was ok and he would be there for me. I for some reason think I cried but I can't be 100%. Next thing I know it is noon, I am hungover as fuck but emotionally I feel awesome. I had to bar tend that afternoon so me and U left my apartment at the same time. In the parking lot he stopped again and told me that if I ever needed anything to let him know.
Later that night I texted him again and said thanks again. I emailed him a week or so later just to gay talk. And things seemed ok as he responded. Since then I have emailed him with no response, a couple times. He gave me a lot of advice in the first email which I needed, I think I might be needy when I come out to people. But my thinking is that I came out to them so I had someone who knows me and I could talk to. But he is still a friend and I can't just stop talking to him. It should also be said that I am in love with U....yes I am currently the guy in love with his straight friend, not who I wanted to be but I think there have been some mixed signals...lol. that story is for next time.
 So that is coming out #2 and the way things are looking I don't think there will be anymore soon. I am not ballsy enough as areyousuprised (from the earlier video) to come out full force like that. Someday though.

Hopefully my future posts will be a little more interesting and upbeat, but I won't make promises.haha
ps-my email is fenery1@gmail.com

Lonely

Its late I have been watching and reading the news and I couldn't be happier for anyone serving now that DADT is finally gone. But watching everyone elses happiness make me realize how depressed and trapped I feel in my life right now. One thing that's weird for me is to express my feelings to others. So this blog is a way for me to do that, yet at the same time I feel like deleting this because it feels overly emo.

I live in probably the shitiest place in the midwest to be gay. I moved to the outskirts of a city 2 hours from home hoping the area would be more accepting and conducive to me feeling comfortable being me...wrong. I managed to move into an area almost more conservative than the 1,100 person town I graduated in. I know poor me, but you guys are the only people I can talk to about this shit. There is nothing keeping me here right now besides a lease I can't afford to break, only 9 more months!
This is just rambling about me feeling depressed and lonely. As I have written before I don't know any gay guys. And the few I see around are extremely effeminate and aren't the type of guys I would approach. Not that I am looking to start dating or having sex, although I am tired of waking up alone. Just some guys that I could be me around and meet people who know how I feel and what I have gone through. So how about this for now.
Since I need some bros to talk to and we all have to internet send me an email. Again not something I normally do but I guess I'm feeling kind of needy today.lol. I would love to chat with some of you guys.

This is why I hate having week days off, no football or drinking leaves time for thinking. Thanks for attending my pity party.haha

Awesome

Just to go along with the repeal today. This video is awesome and you should watch this video and the rest of his. This guy is my hero for many reasons.

RIP

RIP
Don't ask, don't tell
1993-2010

This is a day to be proud

coming out #1

To start off with, my Broncos lost to the fucking Raiders of all teams. Should have let Tebow play, cause Orton  sucked, and Tebow is much better looking.haha.

Alright so on to my actual reason for this post. So as I said I came out to Lea after being at a college football scrimmage this last April. After the game we went to a bar where one of m friends was working so it was dollar drinks for this guy.lol. Lea didn't drink much as she had to drive home. After we got back to town we decided to hit up a local hole in the wall where we were regulars. After a some time, and booze, here we decided to go with a few friends to another bar in town. This is where it starts to get fuzzy. Don't get me wrong I used to be a pro at handling my alcohol, I think there were about 12 days during the entire year I was 21 that I didn't drink, but lately I have calmed down a little bit and lost some tolerance. Getting back on track, at this last bar I start to get a little spotty with my memory. Me and Lea came home at about 2am and were laying on the floor in her room. I'm not sure what came over me but I told her I had to tell her something but I wasn't going to tell her if she was too drunk to remember. She said she wasn't and after verifying this with her 8 more times I grabbed her and hand, took a breath and said...."I'm gay". Response "ok, are you sure?" I told her yeah and then told her I was scared and that I didn't plan on telling anyone because I wanted to have friends and I know people would hate me if they knew....at this point in the conversation I was crying my eyes, which is embarrassing as fuck because I never cry. Than our "couch roommate" at the time came home and so we left and drove to BK to get her some food. While driving there I told her about people we work with who I thought were attractive and she said she would always be there for me and would go to to gay bar with me.lol. So then we got home and it was bed time.

Sounds awesome!!!!!! Right? not quite. The next day I woke up and wanted to jump put my window, I didn't want to see her face or what she might think of me once the Captain Morgan wore off. Well I saw her and....nothing. she didn't acknowledge or say anything for over a week. Which had me freaking out because either she wasn't ok with it anymore or she was so drunk she forgot. So a week later we were driving home from my volleyball game and I turned down the radio and asked if she remembered our convo and she said yes...that is pretty much the last time my sexuality has been brought up.

Not that I want it to be a big thing that is focused on but some support or someone to talk to would be nice. If it happens to come up in conversation she will kill the subject and switch it pretty quick. In the past 2 months or so she has eliminated the words "dumb" and "stupid" from her vocabulary and replaced them with gay......fucking awesome to live and work with. Also "fag" and "faggot" are now used often and as maliciously as possible. I honestly wouldn't care if she didn't know...Fuck I used to say "gay" until last year when I finally just accepted myself as a homo and dealt with it. 

I'm not one to start drama by bringing it up although it gets old sometimes. Moral of this story is that my coming out to Lea seemed better than I would have ever thought at first, and then it quickly faded to my worst fears I have always had. It just doesn't make me want to come out anymore knowing not even my "best friend" can accept and support me....

sorry to end on a down note. Here are some pics to bring it back up.lol

More about me

I'm sure that everyone wants to hear about me more so here it goes. Besides being gay and a midwesterner, I am obviously closeted, which is again why I am here, kind of like therapy to get shit off my chest. I'm not a fan of the phrase "straight acting" because it insinuates that all gay guys should be wearing their lavender capris and spandex v-neck that is 2 sizes to small. Moving on, I am pretty much your normal guy, if you saw me walking down the street you wouldn't take a 2nd look.

About my situation.. I am out to 2 people right now. Obviously I would like to be out to everyone but this isn't a perfect world. Of the 2 people that know one is my roommate, we will call her Lea. I told Lea back in April of this year. I was not planning to at all, but I got a little drunk after going to the scrimmage game at a college in the area. Damn beer. She took it pretty well at the time but since then it is a subject she is not comfortable with so she doesn't bring it up and I like/respect her less for not being the best friend I thought she was and needed in my life. I'll go into greater detail in a later post.
The other guy I am out to I have known for a few years but we weren't close friends at all, we will call him U. He asked me to play on his volleyball team this summer and we got a lot closer. U is also pretty much the only other person I know who is passionate about and likes to talk politics, and we are both democrats-hard to find here. I actually premeditated my conversation with him and told him about a week in advance we needed to talk. Then when it happened he was awesome about it and has been there to talk to ever since, even though we live 1 and a half hours apart. This was just last month.
These are the only people who know, I don't "hook up" so there isn't even another homo who knows. In fact I know 0 gay guys, which sucks for trying to come out and meet people, and is also another reason I'm doing this. But this post is long and has given me a lot of ideas for future posts. thanks, and hopefully I get some followers or page views, I think the one view I had from Germany might have been an accident.....

ps- go Broncos!!!!!

Hola

The first post seems to be a place for introductions so here it goes. I guess I'm doing this because I have stuff that I need to get off my chest, not that I think anything I say is important enough for anyone to care, I'm just looking for an outlet.
I am 23 and live in the mid-west region of the US.I lead an extremely boring and mundane life and I also happen to be gay, not that its a giant deal these days but it is to me right now. As you can probably tell I am in the closet and try very hard to fly under the radar and not get noticed for fear of someone realizing I'm gay. I have only told 2 friends about the real me, and only 1 of them is anywhere close to supportive.
Like I said I'm not doing this because what I say is so important that everyone needs to read it its just a place for me to get my thoughts externalized and if someone reads and wants to comment then the feedback would be awesome. That's all I have for now, I'll have to gather my thoughts on how to go about blogging, as I have never done it before. So soon there should be another post.

Thanks to all 0 of you that are reading this now.haha