relationships

I have been thinking a lot lately about relationships and how I get along with people. I have been told numerous times from a lot of friends that I am one of the easiest people to get along with. And I really try to get along with everyone and am usually the one who does what I can to keep people happy. My issue is that I don't know for sure how I would handle a relationship with a guy. After I have been friends with someone for a while I usually get tired of them or stuff that they do all time starts to annoy me. The only friends I really still consider friends and still like are all people that I do not see on a regular basis. I usually want to punch my roommate Lea in the face, I have known her for 5 years and considered her my best friend for most of that time, but now the only reason I talk to her is because I live and work with her. I usually only hang out with her because its comfortable, if that makes sense. I now consider my best friend to be U who I have seen for 5 minutes since the first week of December.
I guess my first issue is that I don't  know how to talk to a guy just to see where it goes. I have always kind of avoided relationships because I was never really attracted to girls and grew up in a town of 1000 people. I have talked to a few guys on Grindr but I never know where to take it so the conversation dies pretty quickly.
I guess the moral of the story is that I don't know if I can handle a long term relationship, which I really want but I can't seem to stand people that long. I don't want to tolerate someone I want to want to be around them and be happy when I am....Maybe I just don't know that right people? And I am definetly not a hook up kind of guy so thats not an option.lol
I am off of work today, first day not having to work since the 8th of this month so I am going to catch up on some posting. Thanks for reading and thanks for commenting if you want..

facebook

Who here has a facebook?? Better question who the hell doesn't? I wanted to talk about some slightly weird/creepy things that I have the pleasure of being involved in on facebook. In the past I have talked about a lady from work trying to set me up with her daughter. Well through bad luck her daughter now works at the same place as us. She talks to me pretty often and tries to get flirty with me and expects the same back, I can tell by the look on her face when I don't play into it. Anyway I want to share her facebook status from a couple weeks ago: A***** M**** all my exes are failures at life.. cough cough no 
                          names for the main one but your different and no wonder why
                           your not my ex. im glad to call you my boyfriend (:


When I saw this I didn't think much of it, I guess I was glad that she found a guy to date and would maybe leave me alone a little. Couldn't have been more wrong. At work I overheard one of her friends go over to her and ask why she didn't tell her she had a new boyfriend. and A.M said she really didn't and then her mother said that it was about me and A.M told her to shut up cause I was standing close and could hear them...... 
Apparently when I purposely avoid conversing or really even seeing you that is a hint that we are somehow dating and needs shared on the internet.... Not that I haven't ever read too much into things, as I am sure I am with U, but I don't write about it on the internet.....oh wait.haha.....on a place like facebook where mutual friends and U himself can read it. facebook incident number 2 is less creepy and more of just weird for me. As you remember on NYE I ended up hanging out with 2 gay guys. Well gay guy #2 apparently though I was "cute" enough to facebook about. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, its actually kind of flattering, but given the source I would rather it not happen. I'm sure this guy isn't a bad person or anything, he is just part of the gay community that I try to distance myself from. I don't remember what I told before but I will describe a little bit again. He likes to wear make-up and dress up in girls clothes and dance for guys online. On NYE he was dancing at the house party, alone, like a stripper. My friend told me about his facebook update regarding me so I went to look for him and couldn't find him...because on facebook he doesn't go by his name he goes by a girls name that is close to him......just not things that I like and things that in my opinion give the gay guys as whole a semi-negative image and stereotype that is obviously not all inclusive and hard for people to see around. I am not trying to piss anyone off thats just what I see and my perspective. 

K*****........o how i love all of u guys and chris i gess since that was the first time i met him. pluse he was cute. :)

This is part of his status update, it was so long it took him the status and 2 comments to talk about the night..this is pretty much the only thing about me..like I said not bad just unwanted attention. 

In other news I have yet to break a resolution! And I am writing this post on my laptop. I have had it for 6 years and It is about to shit out. It has taken me way to long to write this post and just trying to navigate with the mouse is shitty. So from here on out it will probably be all post from my iphone. I need to save up to buy a mac, I hear they are pretty sick, and I have had problems with PCs forever.

Hope you all have a good weekend enjoy and be safe!!!!!

Merry Christmas!

Hey guys hope everyone is able to spend today with you families and loved ones. I am at my parents house in the middle of nowhere and couldn't be happier. I got off work early enough last night that I made it here intone to open presents with my family. A couple years ago we had a blizzard on Christmas eve an I was trapped out of town for 3 days. Worst Christmas ever.
Later today we are going to my Grandmas to have extended family Christmas which should be pretty fun.
So far this has been the best Christmas in awhile. And not because I got good stuff but because I got my family good stuff and I like when I am able to give something to them.
On a gay note last night my brothers were arguing and one of them called the other a fag, right away my mom yelled at him and told him to watch his mouth. Which I thought was pretty cool because I have never heard her get mad for anyone using that word. Now I just need to make it through this week when I get asked 77487437 times if I have a girlfriend and why not. And my mom has been in a kick about me getting married lately..... But it shouldn't be to bad. I'll just hang out with my little cousins, they have less expectations. Haha.
Anyway regardless of what you guys are up to today and whether you celebrate Christmas or not I hope you get to enjoy your day and time with your family.
Thanks and have fun!!

A new me

The past year has been the roughest, toughest, best year of my life. First off I accepted who I am early in 2011. Which was huge for me because I have been denying since I was about 15. In April, the 16th to be exact, I came out to Lea. On August 20th I came out to U and finally on October 15th I came out to my friend B. Way more coming out than I planned on a year ago.
Recently I decided that I am going back to school this spring. I feel like I am incomplete with out a degree and a less sophisticated human being. I'm not sure why I feel that way but its a goal that needs accomplished so I will do it.
One thing I really wanted to focus on was my physical changes recently. The week before I came out to U I was really depressed and couldn't do much of anything. Eating included. I lost a little weight that week and I felt good once I came out so I decided what the fuck I am going to keep this up.

One thing I do not like to talk about is how I look. I don't think that I am attractive, when I see myself I wouldn't expect anyone to look twice. I am not ugly (I think) just overweight, which by definition is unattractive.  I do not find fat guys appealing so why would anyone find me attractive???That was my thought process so I decided to change that in August. And I am actually doing it. Here are some pics......I have no idea why I am posting these. I have this fear that you guys will see what I looked/ look like and will stop reading. I know I haven't set up some false image if myself that I am shattering but that is pretty much the only reason I haven't discussed myself til now.....anyway here is a picture of me on vacation in Chicago a couple years ago.

Disgusting I know.

This is me tonight.

A little bit better in my opinion...actually 30lbs better since August. I know I still have some work to do. My goal is to lose another 30lbs by this summer. Sounds petty but I want to swim with my shirt off, something I have felt to uncomfortable to do since I was probably in the 3rd or 4th grade in Colorado.

And finally one more

This one is my favorite.. In the past 4 months I have gone down 5 notches in my belt. Now my belt is too big and I only wear it because it halfway keeps my pants up.
 In 6 months I turn 24 and I want to say that I am happy with my life. That I am fulfilled with pursuing my education and knowing I am doing something that will help me long term. I also want to feel comfortable with how I look and have guys look at me.

later guys--watch my previous video from tonight.haha

I want this

Hey guys,
 I saw this video and had to post it. Warning though, if you watch it your going to cry or at least come very close, or if you don't have a heart you will be fine.

Now watch it again.
and again.
That is my goal. I just want to be loved and more than anything love someone in a way that I never have before....now I am getting sappy.
Anyway enjoy the video, I am watching it again. And will do so until I go to bed.
good night.
ps- my broncos lost yesterday, fuck tom brady

screw settling

I have come to a 189% sure conclusion that I am starting school again this spring. I can not settle for my mediocre job with my less than pleasant life in the place where I live. I need to change all of the above and the first step on this path is to better myself with am education to get a better job that I will enjoy and want to go to everyday. I have always been interested in law and politics and am going to get my bachelors in political science. I have always thought I wanted to teach and that might be a fall back but I want more from life. I want to have a job with responsibilities and have an influence, obviously both qualities of teaching just not what I think I want anymore. I had some issues while I was in school before and come January I will be in good standing on my loan and after and come fall semester I will be eligible for loans and grants again so I will be able to get shit rolling for real, until then I will take classes at a community college.

The reason I am writing this is because I got "lectured" at work today. Not because I did anything wrong but because I am a positive person......exactly, what the fuck. There was an issue with some people I supervise and my natural reaction to everything is to see the positive in everything. So when I was told about the issue I gave a sarcastic laugh and said "ugh why do people say stuff like that". I knew the situation was serious and warranted a serious response but my laugh was a laugh of disbelief and frustration. Even when someone puked and it blew into my mouth this weekend, I laughed. Its just what I do. There is no reason to not try and be positive and upbeat about a situation once it has happened and nothing can be changed. I know that when I blog I vent allot of sadness and frustration, but this is my only outlet to do so, I have no living breathing person to vent this kind of stuff to, so this is a benefit of my blog. Don't get me wrong I am not the type of guy who is peppy and runs around with a huge fake smile plastered on all the time or anything like that, but there is no reason not to laugh at life, who will benefit from me walking around like an asshole yelling at people being serious all the time??? No one. So why would I want to continue to work in a place where having a personality is grounds for getting lectured. I would also like to point out that 85%  of the people I am over are older than me. I am 23 and in charge of 40 year old children.
This was not a tipping point to my decision, it was already made. I was just super pissed off after the whole ordeal and it cemented my decision and I wanted to vent.

One random thought. After watching the Real World tonight I think I want to go on to the show. 5 of the roommates became really good friends and were genuinely sad to see each other leave when the show was over. I have never had that sort of random people meeting and becoming awesome friends. And I really would like to meet people and be straight up with them as gay and them be ok with it and treat me as a human. And I would love to get away from life for 3 months and just hang out and have fun.
Until I make the cast, school here I come!!!

no more gay bar

Here are some highlights from my weekend when I decided to be responsible and be a designated driver, and how I will never do it again.

First off my wisdom teeth are gone. It only took 20 minutes for the surgeon to extract them. Afterwards I was coherent enough to not come out to my mom (I don't know why this was a fear, but it was petty and I was worried), I was however talking like I was drunk and my mom got a kick out of it. Today was the first day I was able to eat something solid and it was the best cheeseburger I have ever had. On Saturday morning I was still passed out from my drugs when I got a call from one of my old roommates. He was calling from jail and he needed someone to go pick him up. I went and picked him up and he told me that he got a DUI, pretty much for being stupid and taking the longest possible way home from the bar on the busiest streets, not that drinking and driving isn't stupid in itself. Anyway I went and picked him up and took him to his get his car out of the impound and then went to work.

When I got off work I went out with some friends for a birthday and volunteered to be DD since I was on pain drugs and didn't want to drink while on them. We went to a few bars and then ended up going to the gay club, as its the only legit dance club in the city. I'm not much of dancer, it looks fun but I'm not one to put myself out there..someday I will. Anyway while at the bar I was on "purse patrol" and watching the purses while everyone else was on the dance floor. I was ok with it as it gave me a chance to look around the bar and gauge the gay scene here. And I came to the conclusion that it isn't for me. I don't dress in drag. I don't wear super tight clothes. I don''t drink pink, sugary, blended drinks. I don't have any feminine qualities. I just don't fit in there. And I am 100% ok with that. Don't get me wrong there were a few hot guys in there but not as many as I would like.haha. One guy came up and started talking to me while he was getting a drink, he seemed liked a decent guy but once again I went to the gay bar with no one who knows that I am gay so there was another level of awkward added. I wish my area had a gay sports bar. I know there are a few of them in bigger cities around the country and they sound like a place that I could fit into pretty well.

                                                                    none of this

                                                                 more of this

Now here comes the humorous/disgusting part of my weekend. After the bar closed I had to fulfill my duties as the DD and take one of my friends home. She only had 5 drinks in the 4 hours that we were at the bar, and she was burning some of that off while dancing. I had a few drinks in the same amount of time and I felt 100% fine when we left. Once we got started down the interstate she told me she felt sick and to pull over. I had just passed an exit and wasn't going to pull over on the interstate, as I said I had a little to drink and cops usually stop when there is a car on the side of the road with a vomiting passenger. So I told her to go ahead and roll her window down and have at it. I want too concerned wit having to wash my car the next day. What actually happened was a disaster. **this is not for the faint or easily sickened** My friend started vomiting out the window as instructed. However, being inebriated, she forgot some laws of physics and momentum. Instead of looking towards the back of the car while getting sick she looked straight ahead...I was driving 65 down the interstate, needless to say it all went back into her face. From her face the wind pushed it back and the shit literally started to fly, everywhere. Everywhere includes my shoulder, my hair, my cheek, IN MY FUCKING MOUTH. I am not the type of person to get sick easily, I can see or smell all kinds of considerably disgusting stuff and be fin, however vomit is where the line is drawn. Puke evokes puke for me. I don't know what came over me but I was able to contain myself and just gag in between my laughs of disbelief and disgust. I dropped her off at home and felt bad for her cause all of it had blown back into her face and she looked sad and gross. haha. 

I got home took a picture of the side of my car and went to bed cause I had to get up and work early. When I opened my door the next morning I gagged instantly. I didn't realize that this girl practically totaled the interior of my car with her stomachs contents. I drive an SUV and there was shit all the way in the cargo area in the back, not to mention everything in between. Enough details. Obviously I needed to clean it up so i went to the car wash and power sprayed the outside for my full minute thirty my quarters paid for, and then I had to add a few more to finish the job. 

I spent my lunch hour with a pair of rubber gloves, carpet cleaner, paper towels, a scrubbing brush, and febreeze. It all cleaned up relatively easy, except the ceiling. Yes you read correctly, my ceiling was destroyed and took quite a bit of effort to clean up but I got it. I had 3 "new car" tree air fresheners in there for the past few days so the horrible smell is gone. 

I wasn't even mad at her which is weird cause when I think of someone else telling me the story I would have told that person they should be pissed and make the other person clean it up, which is what everyone has told me, but I don't feel like getting pissed over stuff if I don't have to for some reason lately.

I just wanted to share that with anyone who wanted to hear about something disgusting/humorous. Someday I hope I have a guy to tell you about but until then you will have to deal with my asexual existence. 

I found a Christmas tree today that I thought was awesome so I bought it and decorated it. It is the ugliest thing in the entire world but I love it and glad that I will have something to put up every year. Here is a pic:

Ugly right......If anyone knows where to get a Tebow tree topper please let me know.haha

I will leave you with this pic. I would rather watch guys make out and show actual affection for each than just watch 2 dudes paid to go at it with each other, just throwing that out there.haha

later