I am at the stage where I need to come out to my family. I just really don't fell the need to tell anyone else unless they are related to me. even when it comes to family I am more focused with telling my moms side. I already know my dads side will be put off by it but who cares I rarely see them. Here are some things that my family has said/done when gay stuff has come up.
To start off with here is a story that I mentioned in my last post. My moms first cousin Ann got married to Gene 30 or so years ago. They had 3 kids together and bought a house in a small town close to where I grew up. One day about 7 or 8 years ago Gene told Ann that he wanted a divorce cause he was gay. One thing I will never do is get married to a girl, I know it isn't what I want and its not fair to her. So in this aspect I think Gene was in the wrong, however my cousin Ann is a fucking cunt. It is amazing to me that Gene was so concerned with being shunned and disowned by his family that he hid himself for so long with such a horrible person. He does get props for that, I want to punch her in the throat after spending 30 minutes with her. Anyway he went about it the best way he could. Ann and her parents successfully turned the 2 youngest kids that still lived with her against their dad. They told him how disgusting he was and a whole bunch of wonderful things any teenager would like to hear about their father. Gene's parents even stopped talking to him for awhile. They are very religious and couldn't handle seeing him so he would only be invited to family gatherings if his kids were going to be able to be there. Ann's mom is just as big an idiot as she is, now I get that she would be pissed off that her daughter spent so much of her life on a guy who left her, but she would talk mad shit about Gene at any opportunity. Everything is alot better for Gene now, he is still with the same guy he started dating after he left Ann. All of of his kids are back to loving him and he is included in his own familys functions.
Now family reactions. Ann and her parents are verbally anti-homo. I understand their anger with Gene but they don't have to talk about homos so negatively. They are people who I avoid so I could care less what they say. Ann's 2 siblings still talk to Gene when they see him and have no problem with him.lol....like I said Ann is a bitch. The same goes for everyone in my moms immediate family, we all talk to Gene still when we see him and they keep in touch online. No one in my family has a problem with him being gay, or so they say which I am glad for.
This weekend I was talking about Christmas decorations with my Grandma and she said that Gene's "roommate" had decorated the apartment and put pictures on facebook (yes my grandma has facebook.....). here is our conversation:
gma-Genes roommate decorated the apartment with Christmas
me-Grandma they are not roommates
gma-well what do you want me to call them
me-boyfriends
gma-but they live together
me-yes, cause they are dating
gma-but I'm old and am supposed to say roommates
me-but they aren't roommates
gma-but they share a room
me-so do you and grandpa
gma-well fine then
haha. I don't know why I said anything it just bugged me a little when she said roommates. And then I told my aunt the story when my grandma was sitting with us and she laughed and she didn't really want to say boyfriends either and than her and my grandma went on something to the extent of "to each his own, and whatever makes him happy". Which I suppose is a good view, but when I come out and don't want brushed off to "each his own" status, I want included. I want asked questions, I want to bring my "roommate" to Thanksgiving and Christmas. It might seem immature but I am fine holding my presence at family functions ransom if it means not being able to go to stuff with the person I want.
Also I can't even recount how many times I was asked this weekend about my girlfriend or any girls or blah blah blah. I have seriously worried that I didn't play straight well enough. Now I wish someone would say "hey are you gay?", if it was in the right setting I would say yes. It would be easier then trying to figure out when I make that switch from lying to someone and go to telling them something they never would have assumed. It would be freeing if I could just go on facebook and change my interested in to guys, and update me status to "I like D, get the fuck over it"...haha someday.
another thing quick. I still have grindr, I don't know why, maybe I am holding out hope. Anyway I checked it when I was back at my parents just thinking that some how there would be another gay guy to graduate from my town in the last decade or so that would know what grindr was....Fuck was I wrong.lol the closest guys were always 35 to 40 miles away. Maybe my town has to much "straight" in the water. While I was typing tonight this guy started a chat on grindr, he had no pic but I like to give a chance and he was responding really quick but his grammar was horrible, as in 3rd grader with the capabilities of a 1st grader. I understand people don't always use perfect grammar, myself included, but this dude was bad. Then he sent a pic and I didn't respond after 4 minutes so he went crazy clingy and sent 3 messages in a 1 minute time frame......blocked. Dude, we have been talking for 6 minutes calm the fuck down. Not that I was expecting alot from grindr but he was crazy. haha
I always feel a little better after writing. good night all
Monday, November 28, 2011
wasted weekend
How was everyone's Thanksgiving?? Good I hope. Mine was awesome I don't get to spend time with my family alot so anytime I get to I enjoy.
I got to meet up with some of my old friends which was really fun since we are all old enough to drink and hit up the 1 decent bar in my hometown. Out of the 6 people I was with only my friend B knows about me. We never had a chance to talk just the 2 of us but I am ok with that.
This morning I woke up and checked my blogger and I read a post from a blogger that has since been deleted. He is going through some shit right now which sucks for him cause its how I have been feeling lately too. I have been really depressed lately I guess just with the whole being gay thing. I try not to get down and I try to put on a front but I just can't keep it up all the time. Most of you have probably been there before. I just get tired of being different and lonely and wish I was heterosexually normal.
When I was making one of my 2 hour drives for the weekend I had one though on my mind and it was the same as the blog I read to day: I wish I wasn't gay and since I can't help that I wish I would have kept my mouth shut and stayed in the closet so I could pretend to have normal life. Ya I would be lying to everyone else but when they looked at me it would be an objective, less judgmental look.
That being said I am glad that I have told the people that I have especially U. He has turned out to be supportive and exactly the friend that I need. I know that he will be there for me and because of that I will continue to tell people. I really can't go back now as much as I wished I could and it isn't going to do me any good so sit around denying who I am. The one thing I know is that I don't want to wait til I am 40 and come out completely, why waste more time than I already have. There is a story behind that for another post.
In my last post I set the goal of telling my mom...it is still a goal. I couldn't bring myself to do it. I don't know what it will take to get me there but I really want to tell her. I was going to do it Saturday but my family ended up going Christmas shopping and then I went to the bar with my cousin. So I was going to do do it Sunday before I left, but I was watching football with my Grandpa (GO TEBOW!!!!) and then my mom was with my cousin the afternoon. So I left feeling defeated and pissed off at myself. Then I was going through shit in my head and realized that i forgot something I needed I was only 15 miles from town so I turned around and called my mom and asked to meet me at the gas station a couple miles outside of town. On my way there I started to think that this was it, my mom was going to be alone, I could tell her and talk for a minute than get back in my car and drive off into the sunset.haha. I got the the gas station and got my shit and said bye. I thought about it more and realized that telling my mom outside of a gas station wasn't gonna help the situation at all. Then I got to sit in my car for my 2 hour drive home regretting not telling her and getting super angry at myself.
Overall my weekend was awesome in the sense of seeing my family but as for getting myself in a better mentality it wasn't as good. My cousin asked me about my love life and I wanted to tell him but we aren't that close anymore and when I asked myself "Do I tell cousin?" my gut instinct was no.
My question for any of you guys that are out to your families is how did you tell your mom? I just need help with this one. I want to tell my family and a few more good friends and once I am at peace with that then I could care less about anyone else who knows.
thanks and later
ps. i know this video is everywhere right now but I like it and have watched it a couple times. I am not an overly emotional guy but it definitely brought a tear to my eye.....and oh yeah Go Broncos! haha
I got to meet up with some of my old friends which was really fun since we are all old enough to drink and hit up the 1 decent bar in my hometown. Out of the 6 people I was with only my friend B knows about me. We never had a chance to talk just the 2 of us but I am ok with that.
This morning I woke up and checked my blogger and I read a post from a blogger that has since been deleted. He is going through some shit right now which sucks for him cause its how I have been feeling lately too. I have been really depressed lately I guess just with the whole being gay thing. I try not to get down and I try to put on a front but I just can't keep it up all the time. Most of you have probably been there before. I just get tired of being different and lonely and wish I was heterosexually normal.
When I was making one of my 2 hour drives for the weekend I had one though on my mind and it was the same as the blog I read to day: I wish I wasn't gay and since I can't help that I wish I would have kept my mouth shut and stayed in the closet so I could pretend to have normal life. Ya I would be lying to everyone else but when they looked at me it would be an objective, less judgmental look.
That being said I am glad that I have told the people that I have especially U. He has turned out to be supportive and exactly the friend that I need. I know that he will be there for me and because of that I will continue to tell people. I really can't go back now as much as I wished I could and it isn't going to do me any good so sit around denying who I am. The one thing I know is that I don't want to wait til I am 40 and come out completely, why waste more time than I already have. There is a story behind that for another post.
In my last post I set the goal of telling my mom...it is still a goal. I couldn't bring myself to do it. I don't know what it will take to get me there but I really want to tell her. I was going to do it Saturday but my family ended up going Christmas shopping and then I went to the bar with my cousin. So I was going to do do it Sunday before I left, but I was watching football with my Grandpa (GO TEBOW!!!!) and then my mom was with my cousin the afternoon. So I left feeling defeated and pissed off at myself. Then I was going through shit in my head and realized that i forgot something I needed I was only 15 miles from town so I turned around and called my mom and asked to meet me at the gas station a couple miles outside of town. On my way there I started to think that this was it, my mom was going to be alone, I could tell her and talk for a minute than get back in my car and drive off into the sunset.haha. I got the the gas station and got my shit and said bye. I thought about it more and realized that telling my mom outside of a gas station wasn't gonna help the situation at all. Then I got to sit in my car for my 2 hour drive home regretting not telling her and getting super angry at myself.
Overall my weekend was awesome in the sense of seeing my family but as for getting myself in a better mentality it wasn't as good. My cousin asked me about my love life and I wanted to tell him but we aren't that close anymore and when I asked myself "Do I tell cousin?" my gut instinct was no.
My question for any of you guys that are out to your families is how did you tell your mom? I just need help with this one. I want to tell my family and a few more good friends and once I am at peace with that then I could care less about anyone else who knows.
thanks and later
ps. i know this video is everywhere right now but I like it and have watched it a couple times. I am not an overly emotional guy but it definitely brought a tear to my eye.....and oh yeah Go Broncos! haha
Thursday, November 17, 2011
its been a while
Whats up guys?? Sorry for the slack in posting. My computer took a shit but I'm gonna try to stay up to date. I have a lot to throw out there but I don't think it will be all at once.
So I guess right now I will talk about U...I don't know how I feel about him anymore. I used to really like him which made talking to him leave me with false hopes that he was in the closet (which to be fair he gave off some weird vibes) and wanted to be more than friends. We have ended up hanging out every weekend for the last four weeks. It has gotten easier to talk to him about "gay" stuff and I think I have come to realize that all I need from him is friendship and he has become my best friend over that last month. When I think about guys to date or someone I would want to date i end up comparing them to him. Or just wishing they were just like him. He really is an awesome guy and I'm glad he is my friend and only a friend.
Next... I went to my first gay bar. And to make the experience more awkward it was someone who doesn't know I'm gay. haha. I was at a bar and my friend wanted me to go to the birthday party she was at. I decided to stop by cause #1 I wanted to go to a gay bar and #2 it was on my way home, I wouldn't have gone if it was out of my way. My only complaint was that it was a dance club and they went a little overboard on the fake fog, it was stuck in my nose hairs in the morning. Overall it was a really good experience. I'm not much of a dancer anyway so its not like I was restraining myself to stay in the closet but everyone seemed to be having fun and it was cool to see a place where guys could dance and kiss in public in the midwest and people not make comments under their breath. I was the one who had to go to the bar and get drinks because my wait in line was much less than the couple girls who went.lol. I didn't get hit on at all, at the same time I didn't try either. And I don't think I looked the most inviting. I was kind of just taking it all in. U is supposed to be coming to town for a bachelor party this weekend and when they go to the strip club he is going to ditch them (cause he's "not a fan of titty bars") and I think we are going to head to the gay bar again, and hopefully it will be a lot more comfortable.
And last but not least..........................................I think I am going to come out to my mom over Thanksgiving. I don't know why I just feel this need to do it when I am home. I only get there once a month and I don't want to do it over Christmas because I won't be home more than just Christmas Day, and I don't think I will be able to keep it in much longer. Its not that being gay is always on my mind its the fact that I am lying and keeping a secret and it is consuming me. I just can't think about much else. It's kind of dragging me down and I have been edgy towards people and I have a feeling that once I tell my mom I can tell more and more people and I will feel "free". I don't know maybe its wishful thinking. I don't even know how to bring it up to my mom, I have decided that it doesn't ever just come up naturally.lol. I don't want to do it in a letter, or a text, or facebook. I need to see that snap reaction from a person to see how they honestly feel about it. Where as if it is through text/fb/letter than they can hold back and sugar coat it or something.idk
anyway I have to go and watch Tebow and the Broncos kick the Jets ass. Ill write soon this time
So I guess right now I will talk about U...I don't know how I feel about him anymore. I used to really like him which made talking to him leave me with false hopes that he was in the closet (which to be fair he gave off some weird vibes) and wanted to be more than friends. We have ended up hanging out every weekend for the last four weeks. It has gotten easier to talk to him about "gay" stuff and I think I have come to realize that all I need from him is friendship and he has become my best friend over that last month. When I think about guys to date or someone I would want to date i end up comparing them to him. Or just wishing they were just like him. He really is an awesome guy and I'm glad he is my friend and only a friend.
Next... I went to my first gay bar. And to make the experience more awkward it was someone who doesn't know I'm gay. haha. I was at a bar and my friend wanted me to go to the birthday party she was at. I decided to stop by cause #1 I wanted to go to a gay bar and #2 it was on my way home, I wouldn't have gone if it was out of my way. My only complaint was that it was a dance club and they went a little overboard on the fake fog, it was stuck in my nose hairs in the morning. Overall it was a really good experience. I'm not much of a dancer anyway so its not like I was restraining myself to stay in the closet but everyone seemed to be having fun and it was cool to see a place where guys could dance and kiss in public in the midwest and people not make comments under their breath. I was the one who had to go to the bar and get drinks because my wait in line was much less than the couple girls who went.lol. I didn't get hit on at all, at the same time I didn't try either. And I don't think I looked the most inviting. I was kind of just taking it all in. U is supposed to be coming to town for a bachelor party this weekend and when they go to the strip club he is going to ditch them (cause he's "not a fan of titty bars") and I think we are going to head to the gay bar again, and hopefully it will be a lot more comfortable.
And last but not least..........................................I think I am going to come out to my mom over Thanksgiving. I don't know why I just feel this need to do it when I am home. I only get there once a month and I don't want to do it over Christmas because I won't be home more than just Christmas Day, and I don't think I will be able to keep it in much longer. Its not that being gay is always on my mind its the fact that I am lying and keeping a secret and it is consuming me. I just can't think about much else. It's kind of dragging me down and I have been edgy towards people and I have a feeling that once I tell my mom I can tell more and more people and I will feel "free". I don't know maybe its wishful thinking. I don't even know how to bring it up to my mom, I have decided that it doesn't ever just come up naturally.lol. I don't want to do it in a letter, or a text, or facebook. I need to see that snap reaction from a person to see how they honestly feel about it. Where as if it is through text/fb/letter than they can hold back and sugar coat it or something.idk
anyway I have to go and watch Tebow and the Broncos kick the Jets ass. Ill write soon this time
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
school or work.....
I haven't been in school for 2 years. I went to community college right out of high school and got a part time job to pay rent and bills. My roommate ended up bailing on me so I had to pay all the rent and shit so I went full time at work and focused on my immediate need for money in the situation rather than on the long term goal of getting a degree and a career. Not to mention that I had no idea what I wanted to do when I graduated HS. I had always wanted to be a doctor and when I graduated I had some scholarships for that so that was my declared major at first but it wasn't for me. Then I wanted to be a teacher but wasn't sure so one semester I just didn't enroll for classes again.
Now I have been at my work for 5 years and my managers approached my about a promotion. I am as high as I can go in the company without becoming a full fledged manager, which is a big commitment. I pretty much hate my job now and would have to take on more bull shit if I went for the promotion. At the same time I am ready to go back to school next semester. I am still not very financially stable but my car is almost paid off so that will be an extra 300 bucks a month I will have.
The question is go for the promotion and the 40 Gs a year to start with in a job I probably won't like at all. Or go back to school step down from my position at work so I have time for class and go into debt for a decade or 2. I tell myself the obvious answer is to go back to school and have a degree in 3 years. And its what I really want to do and always have wanted to. But the thought of the money right now and being financially stable is a little enticing. I really think that I will go back to school but there are repercussions at work if I do that because it will look like I "gave up" when I step down from my job to make time so going back up wouldn't be easy if I wanted to. fuuuuuuck. Too much going back in forth in my mind. I don't even know why its a choice I know what I should do plus I want the experience of meeting people at college....
On a lighter note I think I am going to Mardis Gras in February down in New Orleans so that should be fun and I can't wait to party.
Now I have been at my work for 5 years and my managers approached my about a promotion. I am as high as I can go in the company without becoming a full fledged manager, which is a big commitment. I pretty much hate my job now and would have to take on more bull shit if I went for the promotion. At the same time I am ready to go back to school next semester. I am still not very financially stable but my car is almost paid off so that will be an extra 300 bucks a month I will have.
The question is go for the promotion and the 40 Gs a year to start with in a job I probably won't like at all. Or go back to school step down from my position at work so I have time for class and go into debt for a decade or 2. I tell myself the obvious answer is to go back to school and have a degree in 3 years. And its what I really want to do and always have wanted to. But the thought of the money right now and being financially stable is a little enticing. I really think that I will go back to school but there are repercussions at work if I do that because it will look like I "gave up" when I step down from my job to make time so going back up wouldn't be easy if I wanted to. fuuuuuuck. Too much going back in forth in my mind. I don't even know why its a choice I know what I should do plus I want the experience of meeting people at college....
On a lighter note I think I am going to Mardis Gras in February down in New Orleans so that should be fun and I can't wait to party.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Grindr and unrelated junk
Seems like its been forever since I posted. This is post 20 and I have 1500 page views. Thank you all for making this worth it.
I have this weird love/hate relationship with Grindr and I guess I want some input. I used to have a droid phone and I downloaded grindr and chatted to a couple guys but nothing ever came of it. I'm not ready for random hookups so I didn't really pursue anything or really put much effort into flirting back. I decided that I didn't want to have a random hookup be my first time so I deleted grindr and stopped checking out craigslist.
When I got my new phone I downloaded it again, then deleted it, download, delete, download, etc. Then when I went to my friends last week I wanted to check out guys in the area I guess so I downloaded it. Since then I have kept it and had a few guys send the usual "sup" and "got a pic". I didn't upload a pic because I don't think I'm exactly attractive, not that I'm completely ugly. But I didn't even put together a profile its just a name so its not like these guys are into my personality. But at the same time I don't know any gay guys so I don't know how to approach the situation. And I probably sound like an idiot lol but these are the things I think about.
I usually look a situation and over analyze it in every possible way. I will think about how one person would react, then what they would say, to who they would say it, and what I would say. Then I would turn and look at the situation from what if the persons reaction were different. Its fucking draining to go through all the scenarios in my head but if I'm not actively involved in a conversation with someone then I am processing a random situation and outcomes. So any advice would be appreciated.
I'm watching the real world right now and the bi dude on there is a fucking idiot. It's a good thing the lesbian chick is there so people don't think all gay/bi people are douches. Some of the roommates on there have apparently never seen 2 dudes kiss before and freaked out about it. I was starting to think most people in their twenties were pretty ok with homosexuality but somehow MTV managed pick 3 of the remaining phobes and stick them on tv.
Thats all for now I guess. And if you emailed me and my lazy ass still hasn't responded I am sorry am going to do it with in the next couple days. later guys
Heres some pics of Kellan Lutz, yes he is from douchey twilight, but look at that body.lol
I have this weird love/hate relationship with Grindr and I guess I want some input. I used to have a droid phone and I downloaded grindr and chatted to a couple guys but nothing ever came of it. I'm not ready for random hookups so I didn't really pursue anything or really put much effort into flirting back. I decided that I didn't want to have a random hookup be my first time so I deleted grindr and stopped checking out craigslist.
When I got my new phone I downloaded it again, then deleted it, download, delete, download, etc. Then when I went to my friends last week I wanted to check out guys in the area I guess so I downloaded it. Since then I have kept it and had a few guys send the usual "sup" and "got a pic". I didn't upload a pic because I don't think I'm exactly attractive, not that I'm completely ugly. But I didn't even put together a profile its just a name so its not like these guys are into my personality. But at the same time I don't know any gay guys so I don't know how to approach the situation. And I probably sound like an idiot lol but these are the things I think about.
I usually look a situation and over analyze it in every possible way. I will think about how one person would react, then what they would say, to who they would say it, and what I would say. Then I would turn and look at the situation from what if the persons reaction were different. Its fucking draining to go through all the scenarios in my head but if I'm not actively involved in a conversation with someone then I am processing a random situation and outcomes. So any advice would be appreciated.
I'm watching the real world right now and the bi dude on there is a fucking idiot. It's a good thing the lesbian chick is there so people don't think all gay/bi people are douches. Some of the roommates on there have apparently never seen 2 dudes kiss before and freaked out about it. I was starting to think most people in their twenties were pretty ok with homosexuality but somehow MTV managed pick 3 of the remaining phobes and stick them on tv.
Thats all for now I guess. And if you emailed me and my lazy ass still hasn't responded I am sorry am going to do it with in the next couple days. later guys
Heres some pics of Kellan Lutz, yes he is from douchey twilight, but look at that body.lol
Even clothed he's hot.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Fuck you Sunday Funday
I think I am going to curb my drinking for a bit. I have become "that guy" who can't stop and ends up blacking out. But it's not like I black out 5 minutes before I pass out for the night. Nope. I still have usually 3 or 4 hours left in me. And it sucks not knowing what an ass I made if myself for a few hours. Not to mention the fact that drunk me wants to come out to any and everyone. Last night I wanted to come out to my bosses stepson. Idk if I did but I hope not. I don't think an openly gay bartender would go over well where I work.
I seriously don't even remember paying my tab going to get food or going home. Also I'm pretty sure I'm still drunk as I sit here at work. Fuck. I hope my boss stays away for a while.
Hope you guys have a better Monday than I am.
I seriously don't even remember paying my tab going to get food or going home. Also I'm pretty sure I'm still drunk as I sit here at work. Fuck. I hope my boss stays away for a while.
Hope you guys have a better Monday than I am.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Last night
I failed my mission. I was gonna come out before we went out to eat and bar hop. Then I ended picking up another friend so I could be a dd. which just meant best drunk driver. Lol. So we ate and went to the bar and it was on my mind the whole night. I ended up only having a couple shots and a few beers so I wasn't drunk and neither was my friend "B". So I was gonna do it after last call. But we ended up going to her friends and played rock band for a few hours than went back to her place and passed out. Fail.
Then today we woke up and were taking and we started talking about religion and politics an how she is no longer sure about her religion. And I was really nervous cause the conversation was heading to a point where it would make sense to come out. Lol. So I just blurted out "sit downi have something very important to talk to you about". Then I said I was nervous and that the 2 reasons I had come to town was for our friends birthday and to talk to her. I was shaking like I was having a seizure and I just said I'm gay. And she was like ok, it doesn't change anything. I was relieved and there was an awkward second where she didn't know what to say and I was just kind of laughing at her. Then out of left fucking field she said that since we were spilling our guts she has to tell me that she had been questioning wether or not she was bi..... It was a nice surprise, and it made me feel even better. Then she just asked me a few questions like how long I have known and if I have had any relationships and shit. It was really good.
Then I had to make the 3 hour drive home so I could get back in time to bartend tonight.
Overall it was a good trip, there were alot of hot college guys at the bar which I don't get to see around here. But of course they were probably all straight.
Time to work
Peace out
Then today we woke up and were taking and we started talking about religion and politics an how she is no longer sure about her religion. And I was really nervous cause the conversation was heading to a point where it would make sense to come out. Lol. So I just blurted out "sit downi have something very important to talk to you about". Then I said I was nervous and that the 2 reasons I had come to town was for our friends birthday and to talk to her. I was shaking like I was having a seizure and I just said I'm gay. And she was like ok, it doesn't change anything. I was relieved and there was an awkward second where she didn't know what to say and I was just kind of laughing at her. Then out of left fucking field she said that since we were spilling our guts she has to tell me that she had been questioning wether or not she was bi..... It was a nice surprise, and it made me feel even better. Then she just asked me a few questions like how long I have known and if I have had any relationships and shit. It was really good.
Then I had to make the 3 hour drive home so I could get back in time to bartend tonight.
Overall it was a good trip, there were alot of hot college guys at the bar which I don't get to see around here. But of course they were probably all straight.
Time to work
Peace out
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